Over a Slice of CheeseCake...

So Glad for the Know Before You Enroll Initiative

2012-01-07T00:48:00.005-05:00

I can't tell you how extremely happy it makes me that New York City has finally recognized a huge problem that existed for so many years without consequence. During the late 1980's, I attended LaGuardia Community College in Queens. The college is a part of the City University of New York aka CUNY. Because I was super broke, I not only got financial aid, but got a College Work Study stipend. I landed a job at the Admissions Office at the college. After my stint as a Work Study helper, I was hired on as a part-time worker working full-time hours. I was happy to not only be making more money in a setting I was familiar with, but I actually liked working in the office. It was a fun job, and I felt I was making a difference by helping prospective students select a career path. To be honest, the job was so fulfilling, I stayed on for 5 years.

Over the course of my employment there, I met many wonderful people. One of the most memorable people I met was this developmentally disabled man named Harold. When he first started to come into the office, everyone who dealt with him lost their patience. He was slow to understand instructions and CUNY is all about bureaucracy and works on sending an application to a centralized department, UAPC or the University Application Processing Center located in the campus at Kingsborough Community College in Brooklyn, then waiting for the application to be approved. In order to avoid an onslaught of calls at UAPC, there is the (212) 997-CUNY number given out to check on application status for OAS or the Office of Admissions Services, which is located in Manhattan. No one actually goes to UAPC to visit, it is merely a processing machine, and all results are posted in a coding system on the mainframe and access is allowed to all of the Admissions Offices throughout the CUNY system. Years ago, there were waivers for the application fee for Freshmen students based on extreme financial need, but these had to be applied for directly at OAS. If you were eligible, you would be invited in with your school records in order to get the waiver and fill out your application with a counselor at this office.

Each round of approvals is called an allocation so if you apply in late September or the month of October for the Spring, you will be part of the first allocation for that particular semester. The same goes for applying in late January - end of February for the Fall semester. Most programs, particularly the high demand programs like Nursing and Physical Therapy Assistant, among others, are on a space available basis so timing is absolutely critical. The stakes become higher if you are applying to one of the 2 year colleges because the pool of eligible applicants is now much larger. This means that your application, application fee, and all corresponding documents need to be at UAPC during the times stated above.

Another thing to know is that for Freshmen, those straight out of High School or those with no college credit from another accredited college, will only be accepted into these programs in the Fall. Transfer students, or those who have transferable credits from accredited institutions, are primarily accepted into the high demand programs in the Spring because first priority is given to Freshmen in the Fall. If the student applied to either a program, which is not available or has been closed due to an overwhelming amount of applicants, or a school they are not eligible for, such as, the 4 year colleges since they require higher grades coming out of HS and/or certain SAT scores, an applicant will be given the choice to attend the college they chose if seats are available and they meet the eligibility requirements for Admissions at that particular location or the next choice on they listed on their application that they qualify for during the upcoming semester under another program, such as Liberal Arts, or the choice to be re-allocated for the following semester when the program they desire is available. Re-allocation is free the first time around, but after that, you will need to re-activate your application fee, which basically means pay the fee again. For Freshmen, the last time I checked the fee was $65.00 and transfer students $70.00 and remember all fees are non-refundable. After that, each time you re-activate your application, you need to pay the fee over.

There are a few choices to make CUNY work for you, but you have to either do your homework or get lucky in order to encounter a counselor who will go the extra mile to help you out. Weekly, counselors see hundreds of students and everyone thinks they are the exception, and generally, are not shy to say so. These counselors usually hear all the complaints or get all the inquiries from impatient prospective students, their parents, family members...you name it, they have heard it....trust me. In a nutshell, counselors can often become passive aggressive disgruntled workers, and the usual canned answers are so ingrained, they become quite complacent to merely stick to the script. After all, why deviate and make this angry person stay in your face longer than necessary?

The best thing to do in this situation, is to appeal to this councelor as a person and not merely a bureaucrat. If they give you a hard time, don't get mad at them and make it personal, and make them even less likely to share their expertise or less inclined to use the limited power they have to get you out of your bind. Let them know you know they are only doing their job, and that they must hear this a lot, but that you would really appreciate it if they could think of something you could do in order to help your situation, and then proceed to tell them what your predicament is. It may sound like an over simplistic thing to do, but once you can get through to that person on a personal level, and have them see you and hear you as a person as opposed to SSN ___-__-____, they are very likely to give you some great suggestions or maybe use their influence as an insider to expedite things for you.

I don't recall now what Harold wanted to become, but it really didn't matter because Harold had come from Kingsborough Community College and had exhausted all remediation classes available to him there by flunking them. Now, here he was at LaGuardia Community College wanting to enroll. As an Admissions Counselor, it was my duty to highlight which career choices would be best for each prospective student based on their preferences and other factors, such as available seats in the academic program of their choice for that particular semester, and sometimes immigrations status, financial situation, etc.

However, Harold was a special case. He was a transfer student, who had failed the placement test miserably at least twice, so here he was again in basic remedial courses, but at another school. Was this the best choice for Harold, or did some brave soul need to tell him that he may never make it out of this school with his Associate's in hand, and maybe he should pursue something less academically focused and more intent on skill building for an entry level job?

It wasn't so much that he had or did not have the potential to excel, it was the fact that he was at a level where his financial aid would run out even before he was out of these remedial courses, and he was not being sponsored by VESID. He was a hopeless case. And to me, it just seemed so unfair that this sweet, but very persistent man, who was abandoned in a group home while his parents retired to Florida, could recite the entire school catalog verbatim, but could not perform well in the classroom, and he was falling through the cracks of the CUNY bureaucratic machine at an alarming speed. My heart ached for him and the dreams he had, which would surely come crashing down on him about two years later. And all because he would not give up and refused to believe in himself. I must confess I did lose sleep over Harold and his situation, and I wished I would find the magical solution, which would allow him to save face, and at the same time, relieve my own conscience.

There were others. I can't tell you how many times I heard students tell me how they had signed up at some trade school, which promised them what they so desperately desired a GED and a job, only to find out the school wasn't accredited by Middle States and their efforts were for nothing. Only a small percentage actually managed to get the GED and those that did, wholeheartedly believed that the credits they had earned were fully transferable. I can't tell you how many times I had to break that bad news. It was never easy, and I couldn't understand how in the world the government could allow these fraudulent schools, who were cheating these students out of a future, to receive 1-2 years of TAP and PELL for a "24 credit program" in order to receive a GED when you could just take free classes in order to pass the test for absolutely nothing. And the sad part was that it was so prevalent that it could be called epidemic at that time. The main problem with these programs is that there is tuition involved, and most students who enroll will be using federal financial aid. You only get a limited amount of federal aid so if you are only planning to take the GED and stopping at an Associate's Degree, then it's fine, but if you are planning on one day obtaining a Bachelor's Degree, you will run out of federal aid before you complete your education. More than likely 1-2 years before you finish. So unless you have the resources to pay for the tail end of your college classes or land yourself a job at an institution of higher education or another employer that will either waive your tuition or have a tuition reimbursement program in place, or plan to apply for a guaranteed student loan to finance the remainder of your classes, it's not a wise idea. However, remember, loans have to be paid back, and they will expect payment shortly after you stop taking classes not necessarily when you find yourself a job...just food for thought!

One of the things we always told any prospective students was to ask if the school was accredited by Middle States, and to watch out for names like _____ Institute or the School of __________ or some other such monicker, which did not include the words "college" or "university". Schools are not allowed to call themselves college or university unless they have gone through the checks and balances to obtain certain types of accreditation. Here in New York, Middle States is the name of the game.

I have the utmost respect for DeVry, TCI, and Monroe, who back then each were merely Institutes. They got their act together and became fully accredited colleges and universities. They rose above the business of scamming students, perhaps not even intentionally, and began actually educating their pupils...awesome!

So if you are ever in the market to enroll in a degree granting or Higher Education institution within NY, NJ, PA, DC, MD, or DE, please please check the Middle States Directory of Institutions. And now, even better, the NYC Mayor's Office has a new initiative called Know Before You Enroll, which targets to educate prospective students on choosing higher educational institutions wisely:

Know Before You Enroll Tips

They are also encouraging students who have attended fraudulent schools to file a complaint and provide a link as a resource to do so. This is such wonderful news, and it gives me such joy to know that something like this exists after so many years, so many disappointed faces, and how many lives were put on hold or possibly ruined because this resource was not as timely as it should've been. Make no mistake, I am not looking at a gifted horse in the mouth, but being on the frontlines, and watching so many young people make sacrifices like the young woman who was working as a domestic for 60-70 hrs/week, spoke no English, and had saved up her meager wages for months to fund her dream, what if she had gone to one of these places? They would have certainly taken her money, and left her with less than the nothing she had to begin with. So yes, as much happiness as it brings me to see these ads on the subway on a regular basis:

I can't help but to privately mourn for all the potential that was lost, and to wonder where all these people are now? I sincerely hope that they were all able to overcome the obstacles they faced at the time, and that they found the success they all so richly deserved!

Router Placement DOES Matter!!!

2012-01-03T11:43:00.008-05:00

For years, I have paid my monthly fee to get my Internet connection through my cable provider. We had a wired cable modem and a Linksys WRT54GL router for our networking needs. The router was kept in a back bedroom on top of a dresser between a fishtank housing a lizard and a large window. We have always had intermittent interrupted service and the signal would drag at most times. At first, our network wasn't secured, but a good computer savvy friend came over and fixed that. He taught me how to setup the security settings and assign a WEP key. This was fine for a little while, but eventually the signal crapped out on us once again. It got so bad, we would disconnect the router at night in case anyone was somehow still managing to piggy back on our signal. We were stumped as to why the signal still had not improved.

When the router was first turned on, it would work like a charm, but in a matter of minutes, it would begging to degrade and crawl. Over this past holiday season, I decided to subscribe to Netflix. As luck would have it, we watched some really idiotic movie at 2:00 am, and everything worked just fine. Armed with this false sense of security, the next day, we decided to watch a family movie with my 7 year old....talk about latency issues!

In order to get through the first half hour, we had to reboot the router about 5 separate times. It was beyond frustrating. I immediately began researching on the net to find a solution and decided to get a newer, more powerful router. I had no idea that G routers had been replaced by N ones, and no clue as to how exactly having a dual band router would benefit me. After much research, I decided on the Linksys E4200...why? I was going to settle for the E3200, but since we often have 3 laptops running at one time, 2 may be streaming video, and now we have the movie streaming service, as well as a wireless printer, and we are planning to get an additional desktop early this Spring, I figured I could not go wrong with the best possible router of this line.

The installation of the router itself in the same old physical location was pretty easy. Going from WEP to WPA required simply changing the key / password and I was ready to go. Since both products were Linksys, the installation CD was able to detect and import all my previous settings. I did go in and tweak a few minor things, but out of the box, the security settings were what most people would need, and it even sets up a password protected guest account with an auto-generated password in case you need it.

So now the router was all set up, I rebooted everything, and my connection was working. But guess what? It was just as slow as before! You can just imagine my frustration at having shelled out about $200 on this new router and everything was exactly the same as it was before.

Now, by this time, I had read a few articles on optimal router placement, but to be honest, I didn't think much of it. But, as a last resort, I decided to move the router from that bedroom into a more centrallized location. I chose a hallway at the halfway point of the entire apartment, and sat the router on top of a large closet about a foot shy of the ceiling.

Of course, it goes without saying, I had to quickly get a 50 ft Ethernet cable, and daisy chain about 3 extension chords to reach the new location of the router since my apartment is wired rather oddly. After giving the system one last reboot, the lights came on the router and all lights were on on the cable modem. I began doing some light surfing to test the speed. All I can say is wow!!! I had no idea my connection could actually be that fast. I am now connecting at 450 Mbit/s and my oldest daughter's 2008 Macbook is coming in at 130 Mbit/s...oh yeah! As glad as I am, I want to kick myself for not thinking of this solution sooner. All those years wasted with a dragging signal, and all those repeatedly dropped connections; just because we had never given a second thought to where the router was physically located.

About an hour later, we were able to watch our first Netflix flick without any interruptions. We were even able to pause, prep snacks, and not have to hold off going to the bathroom; and all without those dreaded red loading bars popping up, and then praying against hope that the movie would pick up where it left off. Best of all, I was surfing during the movie, so was my oldest daughter, and my 7 year old was in her room streaming You Tube. It was so wonderful, and the best part is that is now what we can expect on a regular basis...so was this new router worth the added expense? Abso-freakin'-lutely!!!

Ponderings of an Expired Friendship and a Tragedy

2011-12-28T01:18:00.005-05:00

In the Spring of 2009, I was struggling to break up with a girlfriend of mine, who over some time had proved to be in a very different place in life than I was at the time. The friendship began several years before when IRC (Internet Relay Chat) was still popular and we had me through some online friends from a particular local chat channel. She lived in the Bronx and I still lived on the Upper West Side. She seemed a bit of a social awkward, but overall, was a very nice person. She was going through a troubled marriage and the effects of an overbearing husband.

We established a short-lived friendship online, which began in the late 90’s. Then, in 2006, she found me online again, and we reconnected. However, this time, she lived out of state so our primary mode of conversation was through and online messenger program. The friendship was never ideal or even reciprocal. She had some unresolved personal issues, which affected the manner in which she related to the world, and it rendered her very much a codependent. I let the friendship ride out of guilt, but it was rather emotionally draining.

I admit it. I wasn’t the most patient person, and I really wasn’t a very good friend. I was also going through some issues of my own with my serial cheating husband in 2009. I was in denial myself as to how being married to this inconsiderate, and many times abusive man was taking its toll on my ability to relate positively to the outside world.

A few weeks before I ended the friendship, she revealed that one of her family members had been murdered. I later found out it was Julissa Brisman, now infamous for being the victim of the Craigslist Killer.

At the time, I will admit I was very judgmental and believed this young woman to be a prostitute. I never wrote about it since out of respect for my former friend, and honestly, exploiting that situation would have been tactless beyond words.

Today, I watched a rerun of the episode of the TV show 48 Hours on ID, which originally aired in March 28, 2010. This particular episode featured the Craigslist Killer. This case immediately brought back a flood of memories; in hindsight, I have realized many things, but isn’t that the way it always goes?

First and foremost, it doesn’t matter if Ms. Brisman was or was not a prostitute. Knowing all the facts now, it is clear she was a beautiful young lady, who had become complacent with getting by on her looks, and this had a toll on her self-esteem. She made a bad decision by conducting business in such a way, which left her so very vulnerable. Other than that, she did not deserve or had coming the manner in which she died. She was loved, she had a family who were concerned about her, and had she lived to old age, she might have had a life full of promise and great rewards. Without overlooking the obvious, what happened to her was a tragedy on many levels.

What’s even worse is that her killer, Phillip HaynesMarkoff, pretty much got away with it.

Yes, he was indicted for Ms. Briman’s murder and for the armed robbery of 2 other women also working out of hotels, but he was never convicted. He was incapable of awaiting his sentence, much less of serving it, and ultimately committed suicide. How does a man, who brazenly shows his face overtly on various security cameras while his image is being televised all over the country, has the nerve to send multiple emails back and forth without a care in the world, and finally attacks his victims without wearing a disguise without ever entertaining the fear of being identified, now all of a sudden become a shameless coward?

The real clincher was that he had attempted suicide several times while in police custody, and even despite this, he wasn’t supervised closely enough to prevent him from “offing himself”. I can’t think of a more appropriate phrase other than “offing himself” because that is exactly what he did; he got himself off leaving his former fiancé and her family, his friends and acquaintances, Trisha Leffler, Julissa Brisman’s loved ones, and Corinne Stout to deal with the aftermath of his actions.

Even his last statement to the world was a message to his fiancé, Megan McAllister on the day after what would’ve been his first year wedding anniversary written in blood using an intimate monicker from when they were still a happy couple. What seems like an eerily romantic and selfless act from a heartbroken lover may really be the ultimate act of narcissistic manipulation. And now that we know to what extent this man’s arrogance and cockiness manifested itself, I vote for the latter.

As with all tragic events there is usually a silver lining. In this case, if Markoff had been allowed to go unnoticed, his crimes would have certainly escalated. He was already keeping women’s panties as trophies of his crimes and the manner in which he accosted these women was taking control over them and had a strong sexual undertone. He more than likely would have eventually graduated to rape, and from there, who knows. He had all the makings of a future serial killer. So, at the very least, it’s good to know this guy, who believed he was too smart to be caught, and increasingly too dangerous to be allowed to roam loose, is indeed off the streets!

X-Ploiting Factor

2011-12-09T23:11:00.002-05:00

Since the X Factor was first aired in the US, I have been faithfully watching. Frankly, turned off by American Idol. However, after watching several performances, and now that there are only less than a handful of contestants remaining, I can't help but question the show’s selection criteria. The age limit is obviously way too low.

"Each judge is assigned one of four categories—boys between 12 and 30, girls between 12 and 30, individuals over 30, or groups (some of which may be formed from rejected soloists after the audition process)."

Recently, 2 competitors have produced pitiful spectacles of uninhibited immaturity. One, by throwing a tantrum, begging the audience for validation in order to perform, and then acting like a spoiled little brat as he avoided being eliminated by the skin of his teeth, and the other by bawling uncontrollably and collapsing on the floor during her elimination:

13 Year Old Rachel Crow

15 Year Old Brian Bradley aka Astro

Does it make for good TV? Absolutely, the show definitely provides an element of unpredictability, but it is at the expense of exploiting these young people, neither of whom is able to successfully handle the pressure or compete gracefully.

It’s not like it’s a big surprise that people will be cut until 2 head off and 1 remains standing, but these kids do not have the emotional gumption to be able to keep it together, and instead, they just end up embarrassing themselves in order for us to be entertained…it’s rather sad, isn’t it?

What do YOU Expect from the TSA When YOU Travel?

2011-10-16T02:03:00.006-04:00

Last year in February while heading on a 7 day vacation to Florida from New York, my barely one year old 15 inch Macbook Pro was stolen at the security checkpoint. Since I had my 2 kids with me, I was a bit distracted when the bins containing our personal possessions went through the x-ray machine. When we started collecting our stuff, my laptop never came out of the machine. I immediately asked one of the officers operating the machine where it was. They pulled me aside and scanned the perimeter in case I just wasn't seeing it due to all the movement and commotion, but no, that wasn't the case. They then began reviewing the security footage and saw 2 men, who were directly behind us. The heavier set man with a dark argyle sweater placed his own personal bin on top of mine, the one with my laptop inside. When he reached the other side, he took the 2 bins and placed my Macbook Pro in a backpack and scurried away.

Other TSA officers were summoned and showed up a few minutes later. Collectively, about a half dozen officers searched the Main Terminal at LaGuardia, but were unable to find the perpetrators. I must say this was a horrid beginning to any vacation, particularly since I knew I could not afford to replace the computer any time soon. I also received several calls from NY/NJ Port Authority detectives once I got back and they were issuing an arrest warrant for Grand Larceny for this perpetrator, but the problem was they could not identify him.

As with all things, the silver lining was that I never stored too much personal data on the laptop since I had a home storage drive and I regularly transferred files over. I did lose some family pictures I will never be able to recover, but due to all the circumstances surrounding my divorce at the time, maybe it was for the better that I lost them. The worse part has been that it's now almost a year later and I have not been able to purchase another laptop. I have learned to do without and I will NEVER travel again with my own personal laptop.

I did file a claim directly with the TSA regarding my stolen laptop. After about 2 months, I finally received a reply from them denying my claim on the basis that I was negligent in not watching my possessions. They even went as far as to inform me over the phone that they could not replace everyone's property or else no one would be careful when traveling with their personal items. So yeah, according to them, having your expensive electronics stolen by thieves is nothing but fun for us who are victimized. They are not responsible although it is mandatory for you to surrender them prior to going through the machine. And of course, there are no signs at the checkpoints stating this either or else no one would surrender their items. No offense, I feel that is a big load of big time Bullshit!

The kicker is that after that, your last legal remedy is to sue them in District Court, which is the court for military crimes and government agencies. It was about $350 to file for your case to be heard, not to mention 4 copies of all the forms and paperwork you need to submit to substantiate your case, and of course, there were no guarantees. I knew I would most likely lose since it was little me against the entire TSA....come on, there is no contest so I didn't feel like throwing away another $350 on top of the $2,100.00 I had already paid for the stolen laptop to file a case which would go nowhere. Not to mention my strongest evidence was the security footage which was owned by the TSA. So the loss was that much greater. Yes, I am certain there is some type of appeals process after this, but at that point, unless you just want to prove a point, is it worth throwing away more money to get nothing in return?

So lucky for me that recently I got a bonus at work, and it was about half the cash I would need in order to buy a new Macbook Pro with comparable specs to the one I lost last year. These past few days, I have been researching prices on Macbook Pro's. I am considering purchasing a refurbished model. A new 15" Macbook Pro right now starts out at $1,799 + tax = $1,956.41 + free shipping with the following specs:

15-inch: 2.0 GHz

2.0GHz quad-core
Intel Core i7
4GB 1333MHz
500GB 5400-rpm¹
Intel HD Graphics 3000
AMD Radeon HD 6490M with 256MB GDDR5
Built-in battery (7 hours)²
OS Lion

A refurbished 15" Macbook Pro sells for $1,489.00 + tax = $1,621.15 + free shipping with the following specs:

Refurbished MacBook Pro 2.0GHz quad-core Intel i7

Originally released February 2011
15.4-inch (diagonal) LED-backlit glossy widescreen display, 1440-by-900 resolution
4GB (2 x 2GB) of 1333MHz DDR3 SDRAM
500GB Serial ATA @ 5400 rpm
8x double-layer SuperDrive (DVD±R DL/DVD±RW/CD-RW)
Intel HD Graphics 3000 and AMD Radeon HD 6490M
OS Lion

I feel very confident since I am buying directly from Apple instead of a reseller or authorized dealer. However, the refurbished pages change pretty constantly so when you do see a good deal, you better grab it. I will be purchasing mine within the next few weeks so I will continue to troll the pages and gauge what is the best deal I can get.

The Need for Relationship Closure

2011-09-12T12:46:00.007-04:00

This weekend I learned a very valuable lesson about relationship closure. As life, the ultimate prankster would have it, it wasn’t me that needed the closure. In fact, it was the partner or my very first husband. He was someone I married 21 years ago, and neither one of us, was ready for marriage at all. Since my mother had basically pressured me into the marriage due to her old fashioned values and my inability to support myself at the time, and he was 2 years younger than I was, the marriage was destined for disaster. And yes, that was exactly the road it took. Our living together as a married couple lasted for 1.5 years, but we were married on paper for about 12 years. After we separated, I lost touch with him. I can’t say it wasn’t voluntarily on my part; he had gotten himself into trouble with the law, and I did not want to get caught up in that type of lifestyle.

While we were still together, he had managed to drop out of school, and get fired from all sorts of odd jobs he only managed to hold for a week or two. I ended up working full-time, attending college part-time, and supporting my daughter, him and myself, as well as paying part of my mother's rent so she would allow us to live with her. This would not have been as bad if he wasn't drinking and hanging out with his hoodlum friends until all hours of the morning, and then coming home, and trying do go the domestic violence route when I would call him on it. All this, was way too much for me to bear. Around the same time, I had become pregnant, and we decided to terminate the pregnancy due to our current situation, which took a great toll on both of us emotionally. As soon as I was able to, I chose to disassociate myself from him, and he was left to fend for himself. After that, I couldn't locate him for many years in order to file for a divorce.

Through the years, I always wondered if he had survived it all. Was he even still alive? You hear so many horror stories about young Latin men and how they end up. I sincerely hoped he had not ended up as yet another of the many statistics. That is where Facebook came into the rescue. Recently, I found him on the popular networking site and we began corresponding. Yes, he did turn his life around, and he seems very happy with the place in life he’s at now. He shared he had a son he loved immensely. We exchanged a few emails back and forth to catch up, and that is as far as it went. He is still a very sweet guy, and I was so happy things had turned out well for him. That was around the beginning of this year.

This weekend, I got a message by way of Facebook on my cell. It was some belligerent woman, whose name I did not recognize, complaining how I had been contacting her husband, and demanding I stop immediately. Her approach was so abrassive, it automatically put me on the defensive, and the desire to defy her was almost uncontrollable. After a few exchanges back and forth, I was able to piece the entire story. She was angry at me from when they first met 18 years ago. He was still not over our marriage then, and she felt he was rebounding. Today, he still has not married her. All these years, she has blamed me for him not walking down the aisle with her; so having me turn up again all of a sudden, made her feel threatened and insecure. I did reassure her. She had nothing to worry about from me. And, I took the time to answer some of her questions regarding our past marriage, why we split up, etc.

I must confess it was a bit weird, but I sensed she needed to know. Why hadn’t he told her all these things himself? I don’t know…maybe it’s just as basic as a difference in perspective. I can’t say for sure, but I believe a lot of pieces fell into place for her as a result of our exchange. I simply wished them the best, and left that one alone. Before her and I really got into it, I had emailed him when she first contacted me. I can't deny I was annoyed at the whole situation at first. I advised him that he needed to perhaps spend more time with her or whatever it took to reassure her because she seemed very insecure and this should have nothing to do with me.

The ironic part was that she did not know how much I really could sympathize with her plight; I didn’t want to get into it with her about my recent divorce proceedings, and how that related, etc. I was concerned this would only exacerbate her fears, and make matters worse. But, essentially, it was another opportunity life presented me with to make myself accountable for my past actions. It was another chance for me to do what I had vowed to; clarify and alleviate, and in turn, diffuse a similar situation to what I had been in a couple of years ago, when I was deceived and lied to repeatedly by a man I dearly loved and his parade of washed up bimbos. I didn’t choose to run away from it or lie my way past it or even ignore her. I wanted ‘them’ to be at peace with this. There is no reason for anyone to be stuck in the past, and particularly about this. What we had was so volatile and short-lived. He only took it so hard because I was one of his very first real relationships. It wasn’t me that was so special; it was being so in love so young. I found an excellent article online discussing how to get relationship closure as long as the other party is willing to meet.

This, along with a couple of other old boyfriend’s I have been able to have limited contact with in the fairly recent past, has taught me a great deal about how to treat people. You just never know the extent of the impact you may have had on someone without realizing it. It is very irresponsible of us to not take other people’s feelings into consideration, but sometimes, we are so inexperienced in life, dealing with our own emotions or life baggage, we are unable to see past our own selves. This is exactly what transpired with this first husband. I was so immature and into myself back then. Then, again, I was no different than any other 21 year old. I felt he should have been a man for me, and not a needy, clingy boy, who was looking for a mother replacement. I already had a toddler and I was looking for a partner in life, not another child to take care of. I needed him to be an adult, and could not understand that he was not there yet. Funny part is I hear so many women, who are my current age, have this same complaint of much older men, but that’s another topic entirely.

I am grateful I have been able to help someone else close off a chapter. Before she emailed me, I was oblivious that the fallout of that past relationship still needed to be mended in some way. Now, I am glad she took the initiative to email me, and I can only hope things will be better for them in some fashion.

Know-It-Alls Really Rub Me the Wrong Way!!!

2011-07-01T22:33:00.003-04:00

I am currently taking a class in order to take my Project Manager Certification in the near future. This is my 2nd class in a 5 class sequence. The last class on Contracts, Negotiations, and Procurement was great. The Professor was very dynamic funny and quite quirky. My classmates were cooperative and supportive. It was an awesome experience.

This time around, I am taking a class in Team Oriented Project Management. It is one of the mandatory classes of the sequence. Now please realize that this certification for me is a stepping stone for either more money, more solid marketability in case I decide to work elsewhere, and possibly the prelude to a prospective promotion. But basically, I have been executing projects for quite a while now. Currently, I am working on a kitchen renovation at my job, and once that project is complete, I have been commissioned to change out the flooring material throughout the 3,500 sq ft office space. I have already completed an office relocation of about 85 workstations and 70 employees, the purchase and installation of a 15 ton dry cooler to automate the operation of 7 supplemental AC units throughout the floor, and numerous other small miscellaneous projects. However, this is not something I have disclosed to any of my classmates.

In the classroom itself, I do not try to overshadow my classmates or present myself as senior in experience. However, when we introduce ourselves to each other in order to work on the group assignments, I have discovered that this is the case. Most of my classmates strive to work on projects, but are not at the point where they have actually been able to do so. This particularly week, we broke into groups, as usual, and worked on composing a Team Contract. We began by choosing the roles for the project.

For each group assignment in the class, we need to select a note taker to complete our work to be submitted, a time keeper, and a speaker to present to the class. So, usually no one wants to be the obnoxious one to take over the project and tell the others what to do as a show of mutual respect, but we were teamed up with this uptight and obviously very insecure older gentleman with serious control issues and a side of arrogance. I picked up on it right away when he stated that it was not necessary to elect a presenter because "a leader will surface amongst us". It was pathetic. He sought to manipulate the group into electing him for the task. So, not only is he now an obnoxious fart, but he wants validation, too *eye roll*.

We did manage to complete the assignment, but of course, he disagreed with everyone's interpretations of what he thought the Professor meant because we should realize him and the Professor had some freakish psychic connection. I suppose us simpletons were not able to plug into this collective. There were many instances in which I interrupted him in order to paraphrase for the other ladies in the group in an attempt for him to listen to them instead of dismissing their input straight away. I am more than certain he found me jarring as well since he clearly sought to harness the group and herd us into doing things his way. I was able to deflect his control tactics and frustrate him in return. Lucky for me, he lacked the skill to counter my strategy.

When it was time to present, I had been asked to do so at the onset of the assignment, but when we reached the finishing line, another classmate was elected. I simply agreed and rationalized that perhaps she needed this more than I did. Deep down, I was happy she decided to take the plunge since she had some issues with English as a second language, and most of the time, speakers with thick foreign accents tend to be very reluctant to speak in a group setting. It was rewarding to see her breaking out of her shell. The Professor asked for our feedback, and she began succinctly discussing our notes. He then asked if we had come up with a mechanism to resolve conflict within the group...funny, huh? She paused and thought about it. In truth, we had not, but if you really stretched it, we did discuss misunderstandings with members outside of the group, such as vendors, promoters, guests, etc. But Mr. Smarty Pants had to step in and take over the conversation. He totally stole the spotlight from her and began to explain what we had discussed with plenty of poetic license.

Once the conversation got back on track, she began speaking again, and you could visibly see him tense up as she spoke. He wanted to finish presenting. The best part was that after our group feedback was over, he says to our speaker "good job" because, of course, she can't live with herself unless he validates her. It was condescending to put it mildly that after he forced his input and totally interrupted her presentation, he would then pat her on the back. I wondered is he such a jerk or that oblivious? Either way, he was more ig'nant than brilliant!

After the class had concluded, Mr.Congeniality lingered behind with me and our group speaker. She then asked how we had done the homework assignment from the week before. She shared her strategy to systematically answer the questions posed in the hand-out. Mr. Personality then explained he had used another document the Professor had written as a guide, and followed the steps on how to write more concisely and effectively as per that particular hand-out. It was my turn, and I said I had done mine as a narrative. I used examples from my job and outlined the pros and cons. Those were basically the questions the Professor had asked when we were mandated to compose the Executive Summary. So, of course, my favorite classmate says "Well, we'll see when the Professor hands back the assignment once they are graded." WTF? Couldn't you just have said OK and left it alone? Why did his fragile little ego feel so threatened by me? I just walked away and went to collect my things.

So, this morning, the Professor emailed us back copies of our scanned class assignments from the night before. I read over the other groups' work and ours happened to be the the last one. So, I scrolled all the way down to ours, and I took a moment and noticed the signatures. As you know, signatures are very revealing of a person's personality. I noticed everyone else in the group, including myself, had simply printed their first and last name in the appointed space and then signed their name next to it. Our self-professed 'Odysseus' had printed his first name and middle initial and his last name's initial so it was something like Jonah G. M. (also hysterical since the initials GM also stand for General Manager), and next to it he signed his entire name in letters which measured about 1.5" tall. The capital letters were about 3" tall so that his exaggerated full signature took up 2 separate lines:

"What does the Size of the Signature indicate?
The size of the signature mainly points out the writer’s wish to be noticed. If a signature is extremely large as compared to the handwriting it shows that the writer craves to be noticed, and is very bold and confident. Large bold signature typically indicates "notice me"!"

Now, let me just state that he was the ONLY person in the class, who signed his name in this oh so flamboyant manner. I am no handwriting analyst, but does this mean that his need to be validated borders on the pathological? Can you tell I strongly dislike this person? lol

OK, so being the typical ISTJ personality, of course, I had to download his signature to analyze it further, and I found:

"What does Left Slant of your handwriting Reveals
If your writing leans to the left to a large extent, it means that you tends to be introvert. You don’t like to mix up with the people around you, and try to stay aloof in your own world. Mostly people with left slant have found to be experienced a bad tragedy earlier in their life. They are generally scared of the future. If you have a left slant , try to change your handwriting to change your personality. Left slant in writing reveals introversion, self-denial, egotism, fears for the future and general withdrawal."

All I can say is "Sad, but not surprising!!!"

Nom Wah Tea Parlor in Chinatown

2011-05-01T01:44:00.002-04:00

Wanting to find some all-day Dim Sum places, I decided to do a search online and found the oldest Dim Sum parlor in NYC, the Nom Wah Tea Parlor. It is located on Doyers Street. A small and windy side street off of Pell Street. The obscured street sign sits behind an old tenement's fire escape, and unless you look really carefully, you will surely miss it.

Now, let me first say I am fairly new to Dim Sum. The only other place I have been to has been a restaurant in Flushing named Asian Jewels on 39th Avenue. I must admit I really enjoyed the food there. There were a few things I could have done without like the long wait for a table and then the Maitre D' assuming we would be fine with sharing a table with another party. The restaurant was extremely noisy and the carts passing by every few minutes were an appreciated novelty at first, but in a short time, the inability to communicate with the waitstaff rolling the carts became a nuisance. The other thing was I felt pressured to take what they wanted to give me rather than what I really wanted. The ladies with the carts were for the most part impatient, and were very pushy when it came to promoting their dishes. There was a certain sense of chaos suffocating the atmosphere. At times, it was difficult to get anyone's attention to refill your glass with water or to order any soft drinks. They basically just plop your tea pot on the table, and you are left to fend for yourself until it is time to pay. However, I will state that the restaurant was very nicely decorated and the dining rooms were quite large.

You can now imagine my surprise when we walked into Nom Wah Tea Parlor and were seated right away.

In fact, the restaurant had plenty of available tables. We chose the small one by the window so we could watch people as they walked along Doyers Street. The decor of the place was not very impressive, but the place was quaint and reminiscent of a diner of the 1950's. We were handed a menu on a single sheet with check boxes by a very pleasant young man who spoke perfect English. On the menu, you had to indicate which items you wanted brought out. Instead of the carts, all items were made to order. This was a nice change of pace because everything was hot, not warm, and the freshness was very noticeable. I was amazed at the tastes and textures of each dish as well as the portion sizes. The roast pork buns were HUGE! The sticky rice in the bamboo leaves were also very large. I would dare say twice the size as the ones at Asian Jewels. Because of this, we ended up ordering less dishes and spent about half what we would have at Asian Jewels. The steamed spare ribs were a really nice surprise since they were actually made with real green peppers and onions, as well as, black beans and mushrooms.

After our meal, the young man who first took our order asked us how our meal was. It was a genuine request instead of the usual pleasantry when they don't even wait for you to answer as they zoom by your table while rushing somewhere else. Overall, whenever I am in the mood for Dim Sum again, I will be returning to the Nom Wah Tea Parlor even if it means a long subway ride from Queens. It is undeniable that the quality of the food was superior and the friendliness of the people here, made it a very nice and laid back experience. No one gave us any indication that we needed to rush or that we needed to continually order something in order to sit longer. In my book, the Nom Wah Tea Palor definitely gets two thumbs up!

Queen Bee Syndrome

2011-04-12T17:50:00.013-04:00

Today, I was watching TV, and could not help but to pay attention when they began talking about the Queen Bee Syndrome, which was a new term to my ears.

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Upon listening carefully, I sadly realized that this was something I am very familiar with. In my past, I had one female supervisor, who fit this bill. At the time, back in 1999, I considered her to be the 'devil incarnate'. Today, I see her for the insecure person she really was. Then again, maturity makes you realize these things in hindsight.

We met when I worked for a business college in Chelsea, and had applied for a secretarial position for one of the top administrative departments. I had to take a city-wide competitive test in order to secure my ability to be hired at this site. She hired me because we were both Latin, and she was banking on us being ‘friends’. Oh yes, and my excellent credentials didn’t hurt matters, either. At that point, I was seeking an employer who would subsidize the rest of my college degree so the job seemed to be the perfect fit for me.

I began working promptly after the interview and hiring process, as is the usual. My first day was pretty uneventful. She seemed rather disorganized, as if she had had no time to prepare for my arrival, but I, having substantial administrative experience, I was used to ‘taking the load off’ of my supervisor’s shoulders. The second day I was there, she told me all about how she, herself, had started out as an Assistant over 20 years before. She had worked her way up, and was particularly proud she was from the Bronx and Puerto Rican. I admired her for her determination, and hoped this would be a great working relationship since it showed great promise.

During that first week, at lunchtime, she inquired where I was going for lunch. Since I wasn’t very familiar with the area, I asked for her suggestion. She quickly said Ruben’s Empanadas. It wasn’t my personal favorite, but I am always open to trying new things so I wrote down her order, and headed out the door. When I returned, she inspected the contents of the bag I handed her, and almost instantly, began complaining that one of the ‘empanadas’ was not baked, but fried. I was sympathetic, but wanted to eat my lunch before it got any colder. I informed her that I had ordered what she asked for, but that sometimes people make mistakes. She immediately demanded I return to the restaurant and exchange the ‘empanada’ for her. This was when I reminded her that ME, going to get HER lunch was a favor, and that I was still on my own lunch hour. If she wanted another ‘empanada’, she would have to walk the 3.5 blocks in the rain to the restaurant herself. From that day forward, as soon as it was my lunchtime, I would disappear without uttering a word in her direction. This disagreement fueled my downward spiral from 'star employee' to 'incompetent hooligan' in her opinion.

While I was working in that position, I reorganized many systems the college was using to make them more efficient, and revamped many regularly used forms, procedures, etc. I even devised new electronic templates for college-wide use. I coordinated their distribution and troubleshot as the employees became accustomed to using them. It is in my nature to make my workflow more efficient, and despite her lousy attitude, I was not going to compromise my personal integrity.

It didn't take long for it to become increasingly apparent that this woman took advantage of the college work-study youths that had the misfortune to cross her path. Most of the time, people understand college work-study students can perform simple office tasks, and as compensation, they receive a nominal stipend to enhance their Financial Aid package. But for this woman, they were her own personal little slaves. Not only did she have them picking up her lunch every day, but her personal dry cleaning, and running many of her personal errands. To top it all off, she had these poor kids ripping stacks upon stacks of paper instead of using the industrial size shredder which was located in the same room to protect the machine from the wear and tear.

Now, you may think I am exaggerating or sensationalizing matters, but picture this - every time there was a meeting involving any Faculty actions, a huge binder was distributed to each committee member (there were about 20). Each binder was at least 3” wide, and many times we needed up to 2 separate binders to stock all the materials required. Each inch of a binder holds approximately 115 sheets of paper so you can just imagine the volume of paper I am referring to. Also, keep in mind, the shredding would be backlogged since it was done by hand every so often. Often, there were materials from a couple of previous meetings to dispose of, not just one. Additionally, the paper had to be shredded to keep the confidentiality of the information.

I recall asking her one day why don’t we just use the shredder? She glanced at me as if I was an insect she was about to swat. I continued to explain that it was a very large shredder, and it made no sense to have these kids take all that time doing that when there was other work to be done. She took a moment to collect herself, but her displeasure was very obvious. When she was ready to reply, it was very slowly, as if calculating each and every individual word of her response. “If the shredder breaks, it will take a lot of money to fix and it cost a lot of money to purchase in the first place…” She continued by stating she was not going to jeopardize it being damaged. Again, this made no sense to me, but I decided to drop the cause since it really was of no benefit or cost to me personally.

Another point of contention between us were the restrooms. Because the building had in the past been used as judge’s chambers, each suite had a private bathroom. These private restrooms were small, but were equipped with a standard sized sink and toilet; nothing fancy, but very convenient. Then, there were the employee bathrooms. They were down the hall, and at night, the sensors, which were powered by motion detectors sometimes went off, and the hallway was very dark. Apparently, in the past there had been a sexual assault on another floor in one of the women’s employee bathrooms. The attack had taken place while another woman was in an adjacent stall urinating. The bystander reasoned it was two lovers being spontaneous and the attack went on undisturbed.

Sometimes on Fridays, the 'devil-boss' would not come in, and I was alone in the office after 3:00 pm when the rest of the employees would also make themselves scarce. In the Winter, it starts getting dark by 4:30 pm. Now try this one out, she had left strict instructions that the office door was not to be closed during business hours. The desk could not be left unattended. I was the only one in the office, and I had to go to the bathroom with great urgency. Should I go down the dark hall and have to close the door and attract the ire of the lunatic I was working for? Or should I just hastily go to the bathroom less than 5 feet away from me? I call this a 'no-brainer'.

At first, she was not aware that I had been using the small bathroom in the office, but she found out when one day a ‘prima-donna’ male coworker abruptly opened the door, which by the way, had no lock on it. He actually had the gall to be surprised to find me sitting on the bowl relieving myself. He was so very embarrassed, and turned all shades of red. To be honest, I wasn’t, because I foresaw that a bathroom without a lock was a recipe for disaster despite my irrational supervisor’s illogical objections, and lack of vision. She didn’t want a lock installed in order to deter people from using it. Ummm, it was a bathroom; cleaned each night, and stocked with soap and toilet paper…what did you think it was meant for? Am I STILL missing something? Really? Needless to say, I continued using the bathroom, and the male coworker from down the hall, stopped opening the door to refill his tea kettle without knocking first.

During my time at this office, I did complain about her routinely uplifting messages like “maybe you should have your prescription checked again since you still can’t see” referring to my vision when she found a type-o or data entry error. She would complain when my fiancé called me once daily on my private extension. I was always professional, and would not stay on the phone for long. I was routinely discreet with my conversations, but what I believed really bothered her was me receiving any calls at all. She slowly began eating away at my enthusiasm, gradually demoralizing me, and eventually, my desire to continue working at this college waned entirely. It all became very clear when I sought the help of my Union Representative. I provided him with dates and documentation to back-up my statements, and even then, he refused to help me. He reasoned she had been there for so long. He was intimidated to take her on. He said the union knew about her, but they chose to ignore it since their hands were tied. So, this is what I was paying these high union dues to DC37 for? Thanks a lot!

After a bit under 2 years, I got fed up enough to leave this job. I figured in the same manner I had found this job to pay for my tuition, I could just as easily find another one without 'psycho-woman' attached to it. I began going on interviews and missing days at work. As you can imagine, this attracted her contemptuous attention. She gave me the ‘you better shape up or ship out’ talk, and I listened expressionless as she ranted on endlessly about how irresponsible I was.

You have no idea the satisfaction I felt the day I finally got to march into HER office, and let HER know we needed to talk. I had landed another job for a Regional Vice President at a prestigious Fortune 500 company, which would be paying me almost double what I had been earning at the college, and they also paid my tuition. Not to mention, I would be working for a real Executive, and not just a mere Coordinator…lol. She threatened to have HR withhold my unused leave and vacation time. She was outraged since I had only given her 2 weeks notice. She said this was a reflection of my lack of character and unreliable nature. I responded I didn’t think it was necessary to attack me personally because this happened in the workplace all the time; people come and people go. Not to mention, 2 weeks notice is the customary advance notice when leaving an employer. She was furious with me and quickly dismissed me. I also reminded her before I left, that legally, she would not be able to have my earnings held up. As you can imagine, my last 2 weeks there were not pleasant.

The day I was leaving, all the other employees in the office threw me a small impromptu celebration to say good bye, and they were all very supportive. Dare I say, even excited for me. She remained in her office for most of the day, way too busy to address me unless she was looking for something she couldn’t find for the millionth time. Yes, did I forget to mention that to boot, she was also a needy type of supervisor? This actually made it that much more humorous. Of course, she left for the day when I was away from the desk so she would not have to say a word to me. This action of slinking out of the office further clarified her true nature. Now, let me say this. I have never done anything vindictive in the workplace prior to leaving any job prior to this one or since then, but for the first time, I felt it was justified and compelled. I ended up taking all the files I had worked on during the entire time I worked there with me. I uploaded everything to a remote server, and hit the delete key on the c:// drive. All the work I had invested time in during my time under her supervision was gone...just like that. That was MY WAY of saying good bye to HER!

The sad part is today she’s risen to Directorship status despite her wonderfully constructive managerial skills, which speaks volumes about the institution and its HR practices. Even sadder still, she had another one of the girls, who had stayed behind at the job, call me several times over the first month or so after I had left to demand I immediately restore all the files, or else. I ended up taking the girl out to lunch, and inviting her to visit me at my new job just so she could go back and tell ‘the bitch’ about it. By the way, I am still waiting for that or else!

The other Queen Bee in my career, believe it or not, is my current boss. However, I must say she has come a long way. Is it because she’s been forced to by her peers? More than likely; I highly doubt she’s had a complete character overhaul in the last few months for no reason at all. But, after 4 long years, she has finally agreed to support me in acquiring further educational opportunities paid for by the Company, as well as, the prospect of a promotion is now a reality. This is something that even a year ago, she would not entertain. Once, she even expressed outright “No one has helped me get where I am, why should I help anyone else?” in reference to me pitching some of the 'above and beyond contributions' from one of my reports in order to secure a promotion in title for that particular woman.

Another time, I brought up my advancement limitations at my current station, how I was never going to get a much coveted office, and how dissatisfied I was to have explored all I possibly could within my current role. I was bored and frustrated, and my supervisor responded with “Sometimes, you have to leave, get further training, education, or experience in order to come back. That’s what I did.” I was shocked at this response. It was a blatant disregard for the value of my work, and even worse, the low morale running rampant in her department. If I had to leave in order to better my station, WHY would I take a step back and return here? Trust me when I say that working in the not-for-profit sector is not a lucrative endeavor by far. It is one of job security and continuous predictability. Most people, whom stay within it, do it for the emotional investment they have in the mission of the place, not for the high earning potential. I am no different.

However, I am proud to say that some of these recent changes in her, I have had a direct hand in, although, of course, she would NEVER admit this. The highest praise I have ever received from her has been for her to tell me directly that she knows I do my work, and she doesn't have to monitor me all the time. I now see this woman as a 'tough nut to crack', but I am continually motivated to 'crack' her. She has become my most difficult workplace challenge, and before I ever leave, I am going to secure her appreciation as modest as it may be. Towards this goal, I have been finely honing my negotiation skills, and have become my own best advocate. I am not shy about letting my supervisor know about ALL of my accomplishments, and how they are valuable and very relevant. I don't need to boast per se, but I do need her to know exactly what strides I am making on a daily basis.

Additionally, I had the opportunity to stand in front of the entire organization along with all the heads of the place, and dissect employees’ tenure here from start to finish during an evaluation exercise a couple of years ago. I got to comment on the problems with the lack of training and support for person's promoted to managerial roles, and eventually, institute 360 degree appraisals for anyone in a supervisory position. Then, new managers had no mentors in upper management, and we were expected to simply ‘wing it’. I got to openly state that all was not as it seemed on the outside, and surprisingly, higher Management listened. I thought I was going to be fired on the spot. I was so nervous. Believe me when I state that I wrestled with myself for weeks before standing in front of THAT crowd and speaking out. My hands were clammy, shaking, and my voice cracked as I continued on, but I was true to myself. I decided to 'go for broke', and tell it like it was. Yes, the changes took a few years to come to pass, but you know what? They are here for good now, and I, along with all my current coworkers, and those who will come after us, will reap these benefits.

Colegialas Bar in Woodside, NY

2011-04-08T22:27:00.019-04:00

On March 21, 2011, I wrote to my local congressman, Joseph Crowley regarding a bar named Colegialas Bar located at 68-12 Woodside Avenue here in Queens.

I wrote:

I'd like to find out whom to contact in reference to an inappropriate sign for a new bar off the South Eastern corner of 69th Street and Woodside Avenue named ‘Colegialas’. The name of the bar translates into English as Schoolgirls, but the picture on the front of the storefront depicts a scantily clad young woman in a schoolgirl's uniform accessorized with fishnet stockings and garter belts. The word 'Colegialas' also seems to be a code word in the Mexican community for naughty schoolgirls when searched on the Internet. All the links, which come up, are pornographic in nature, which makes sense considering the picture on the sign.

P.S. 12 James B. Colgate School is located at 42-00 72 Street Woodside, NY, which is about 3 blocks away from this location. It is a disgrace that actual schoolgirls wanting to get an education to better themselves need to pass this sign in order to get to school. It not only sends a negative message to young girls in general, but the garter belts and revealing outfit the model is wearing borders on not only distasteful, but of vicariously living out pedophilic fantasies. It is more than evident that this sign is meant to titillate older men fantasizing about schoolgirls. Having an elementary school nearby does nothing good for the community, but to send the message that our young girls should be complacent to sexual harassment, statutory rape, and that they should aspire to nothing more than emulating the model on the awning to be treated strictly as sexual objects for the gratification of old Latin men.

If this is not an issue you would be concerned with, I would gladly appreciate a response from your offices in order to redirect me to someone who would be able to assist me. As an intelligent fully bilingual Latin woman, this type of sign disgusts me. The mere thought that it would go under the radar simply because the sign is in Spanish or because of its location does not excuse its content, intent, or the damaging effect on our community.

Sincerely,

DweamGoiL

So now several weeks later guess what happened? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. What a surprise!!!

It is truly disturbing that this operation displays the following picture front and center:

and absolutely no one cares that at least a few hundred school children pass by this sign every single day on their way to and from school. The fact that this young woman doesn't even have a belly button because she's been airbrushed to portray the perfect little 'piece of meat' is truly disturbing. What kind of message does this send our children? Now, this sign is nowhere near my own child's school or my home, but it enrages and offends me to my very core that this sign is showcased near my neighborhood by ever so subtly being lit up at night....come on!

Now, I wasn't expecting a miracle here, but for one of the Congressman's aides to have written back or may I be as silly as to aspire to an actual phone call? And, to have referred me to someone who can actually help me would've been nice as well, but I guess that's just way too much to expect from someone who expects to keep my vote!

Now don't get me wrong, I get that this is a 'titty bar', but most other strip clubs have signs which are a little more discreet, overall tasteful, and not so brazenly misogynistic.

and the list goes on and on. So WHY in the world does this place have to be so particularly crude and sleazy?

As far as I can see the proprietors of this establishment have this to say to our neighborhood:

Ciao, for now, Pia!

2011-04-07T22:45:00.008-04:00

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___________________________________________

Tonight, Pia Toscano was voted off American Idol. What a set of pipes that girl has!

I foresaw something like this happening when the judges wasted the save two weeks ago on Casey Abrams. Because of him, two other constestants had to go home, which reduced the pool quite dramatically. At this stage Paul, Casey, and Scotty can go home for all I care...they all display equal levels of suckage in comparison to the real singers in the competition. Don't get me wrong, each of these guys have endearing qualities, and can entertain people, but they are not very good singers, at all. Maybe, mediocre would be a better descriptor, but nowhere near great.

The upside is that this is not the last we'll see of Pia. She will most definitely be noticed and produced in the near future. Good luck in the future, my dear. This door has closed so many more may open for you!

As far as Idol is concerned, at this point, the only two I see coming anywhere near truly talented, and who should rightfully go to the top should be Jacob Lusk and Lauren Alaina. But, when America votes very strange things happen...so we'll see!

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8 Year Old Brat Gets What He Deserves!

2011-04-07T19:12:00.007-04:00

I was watching the Today show yesterday, and I witnessed the comments made by a very delusional mom, who believes her son's anger is something society should handle with 'kid gloves', and not something HE should be made responsible for. The kicker? The kid is 8. According to her statements, he has been tested extensively and shows no medical or mental condition. He even goes to therapy at least once a week, but even with all this clinical intervention, has a history of behavioral problems in school. I am no rocket scientist, but shouldn't this be a clue? A BIG clue?

My favorite moment is when she goes on to say how he doesn't have these problem in other social settings like playing sports and babysitters, in a desperate attempt to demonstrate that the problem is with the school versus her son. Sounds to me like he has a problem with being told NO! (and with respecting authority). She even goes on to say later on that the problem only surfaces when he has 'unstructured' activities or time within the school day, and then has to shift to 'structured' ones. I wonder why that is? Maybe because he can't do whatever he wants?

Now, this is NOT the first incident where the kid became violent in school. During this particular incident, the kid was holding a stick he was using as a weapon, and by his own admission states he was attempting to sharpen it in order to fend off the school officials. He made it very clear he wanted to hurt the teachers. Even on the TV interview he never wavered in this opinion, but of course, this is not HIS fault...no! It's the police's fault for not being more gentle with him *eye roll*. Is this woman dumb enough to not be able to figure out that maybe the police were cutting her son a break the first couple of times? But, since he seems to be as dim-witted as she is, he evidently mistook the officers' "kindness" for "weakness", and they rightfully responded by taking it to the next level?

Well, without further ado, here they are:

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I just love how the mom kept using the word crisis. This was NOT a crisis. Using that term over-glorifies the situation to a ridiculous extreme. This was a kid having a temper tantrum.

I just wonder how long will it be until it is discovered that young Aidan has matured into a career criminal or sociopath? The really tragic part is this misguided mother is NOT doing her kid any favors by enabling his bad behavior. Best of all scenarios, he will be able to turn his life around later on, most likely, after he is separated from 'mumsy'. Wouldn't it be nice if Child Protection Services actually got this one right and gave this poor kid a fighting chance at a productive life?

A Funeral Today

2011-03-25T00:29:00.007-04:00

Today, I went to the funeral of a sweet old woman, and old family friend, whom I considered my 3rd mom. She was the last of my personal maternal trio to leave this earth. I was told a few days ago of this sad event, and was very distraught to find out that the funeral was to take place on the eve I had a presentation for a class I am currently taking. But, mercifully, I got to go this morning, and pay my final respects. I thought I would be able to walk in there, view the body, go through the motions and leave. After all, I hadn't seen her in so long. Instead, a sudden wave of emotions overtook me as I witnessed her there lying so still and so very devoid of life. All those memories of my childhood came flooding back quite suddenly. I began sobbing uncontrollably at the thought of how could this woman, who had given so much of herself, not only to me, but to everyone she came in contact with had spent the last few years of her life blind from Diabetes, bedridden, and wilting in a nursing home?

In my youth, she had been employed as a Home Attendant assigned to take care of my own bedridden grandmother, who also suffered from Diabetes. By this time, my grandmother had lost most of both legs and had a stroke which left her left arm stiff and immobile. The real irony is that she was the only person, who carried my grandmother out of bed to avoid her from getting bed sores. Instead of using the bed pan and letting her skin decay, she would place her on a toilet and massage her to ensure her circulation would not become a problem. She used to take my grandma outside in her wheelchair every time the weather permitted, and prepared her food meticulously. She improved my grandmother's quality of life immensely during her final days. She was also one of the few people who was there until my grandmother's final days some 7 years later.

I first met this woman when I was 12. I was a broken little soul then. My own biological mother had never taken on the responsibilities a parent should have. She had always been more concerned with her own affairs rather than mine. I had ended up being sent away to relatives overseas I had never met before by the time I was 7. I returned to the US some 2 years later and once my grandmother became sick. It was then my mother decided I would be better off staying a while with one of her friends, whom I had also never met before. I spent 6 long months at this woman's home. She was a kind old woman, but I resented just being dropped off in her apartment, and even more so in not being allowed to come back home, particularly since I was geographically only a few blocks away. In time, I began to feel that my own mother had never wanted me, and I began to increasingly resent her. She never did anything to prove otherwise. I can't say I recall my mother ever hugging me, or directing kind words my way. She either simply criticized me when I didn't live up to her expectations, or would not say anything at all. I suppose somewhere along her own upbringing she must have had some own issues with her mother, and simply did what she had been taught to do, not knowing any better. I do remember my mother and my grandmother disagreeing constantly.

I recall another time when I had the Chicken Pox. I was about 13. I didn't get a lot of spots all over my body, but one on my stomach, a few on my buttocks, and one on my inner thigh, but there was a lot of fever and overall discomfort for me. Can you believe my own mother wasn't even aware I ever had the Chicken Pox? I simply could not believe it. My mom always had me fend for myself, and refused to stock the fridge with an adequate supply of food, which wouldn't have been a problem if she ever cooked. It was this sweet, and very petite dark skinned woman, who had nursed me back to health the handful of times when I was sick. She was the one who bought groceries from her own home so I could eat something when I got back home from school. It was this tiny, but very imposing woman who had argued furiously with my mother to take me to a hospital when I had an injury which caused a 2 inch gash on the top front portion of my left cheek. And through all this, my mother's own resentment grew towards her until there was an overwhelming tension in the air whenever the 2 were in the same room.

Oh, how my mother had wanted her to walk away and abandon us, but this angelic stranger would not. She persisted, and continued to care for me and my grandmother. She was such a humanitarian, so wonderfully compassionate, and so mercifully maternal. I am not sure what type of person I would be today if we had not crossed paths. I was on the verge of being lost, and never finding my way back, but her tender guidance showed me that I should care about myself because she believed in me. She wanted me to grow up to be someone I would be proud to be. Slowly, but surely I have reached this goal she set before me. I wish she could have seen me as an adult, and maybe be proud of me, too.

I lost contact with her when my grandmother died. That same year, I had a child and my mother threw me out of the house over some silly argument. By this time, I was getting too big to intimidate and I was becoming physically stronger. My mother was rather shocked the day my resentment culminated, and I resisted by blocking her hand and holding it in my grasp as she went to hit me. I held her hand until she finally relented, and I walked away from her. She was no longer that big scary figure, but a fragile unbalanced woman, who did not have total control over me anymore.

Eventually, I was forced to come back home since I had no where else to go and no means to support myself, but my mother made it no secret how ashamed she was of me because of my pregnancy. Once I had my daughter, my mother wanted me to contribute financially to the household once more so I began taking odd jobs. There were too many to count, and some which could have led me to very dark places. Since I had learned to always fend for myself, I was always too proud and protective of myself to let anyone manipulate me that way. Even today, I am not certain if I just got lucky, or if I was actually that smart to navigate through so many barriers.

Through time, my life took many different turns. I had a lot of bad relationships. I made many mistakes as a parent, but I somehow managed to turn my life around despite my mother. I sometimes think her contempt towards me motivated me more to prove her wrong. I finally did finish college. I had to be smart and select jobs which financed my studies, and I eventually gained employment which allowed me to be independent; to support myself, my oldest daughter, and a younger one I had along the way even through the midsts of a divorce.

So, a few years ago, this now defunct mother figure came to mind. By this time, my own mother had passed, and the complexity of emotions which accompanied that period had wavered. I was finally at peace, and I sought out this old woman on Mother's Day of 2006. I picked up some flowers and went to see her. It was so overwhelming for me to see her barely mobile anymore. She had gone completely blind, and depended on her immediate family to take care of her daily needs. I was very glad to see her, but her condition saddened me. I was touched even more deeply by the fact that she still remembered me as being a child in crisis, a child who needed care, a child who needed to find her way in life, but still a child, and not an adult. I know my visit moved her, and it was reciprocal. I loved seeing her. It had been so long since I had seen her last, and I knew her kind and trusting self was inside of that frail continuously aging body still untouched. It truly was a bittersweet moment visiting her that one time.

After that, I regret to say I didn't make more of an effort to visit her regularly, and we lost contact once again until a few weeks back during this current year. I visited her daughter's house where I had seen her last and found out she had been taken to a local nursing home. I was so disappointed to discover she wasn't there anymore, and I wasn't going to see her during my visit. Her daughter wasn't too forthcoming with the information as to where exactly she was now living nor who could visit, and what visiting hours were allowed. I didn't think it was my place to insist any further. And finally, this past Sunday afternoon, I was informed she died the previous evening. I was beside myself when I heard the news. She was the last person in this wold who truly demonstrated she cared for me as her own child. I was now entirely lacking any parental figure and it made me feel alone once more.

After my time at the funeral home today, I had to return to work. I was playing Mariah Carey's Bye Bye on my Ipod and was struggling to keep it together as I commuted into Manhattan on a crowded train surrounded by strangers:

As much as I tried to fight it, I kept tearing up, but it felt good to relive all those moments in my head. I envisioned her as she was 30 years ago fussing in our kitchenette preparing tuna salad sandwiches for me when I got home from school. She always made them just the way I liked them with extra mayonnaise, and she would mash up the fish until it almost turned into the texture of a pate rather than chunks. She just always went that extra mile. Of course, I still feel her loss. It is very fresh in my mind, and in my heart, but this tragic event has brought to light for me how lucky I was to have met her, and for her to have rescued me when I needed it. A part of her will always live inside of me, and frankly, I think it is the part that loves and feels compassion for others. It is the part of me that wants to believe the best in others, and give them the benefit of the doubt. Good bye, JRA. I will never forget you!

Sal's Pizza on 95th and Broadway

2011-02-08T19:01:00.019-05:00

It is a sad sad day!

I feel terrible to have found out so late after the fact, but an old friend and great pizza maker, Sal Malanga died back in 2009.

Picture by David Wharton

I remember going to Sal's back when it was on 95th and Broadway next to the Symphony Space. It was a good time in life. I grew up on Sal's pizza. My mom started taking me there since the early 70's and then when I got older, my friends and I would go over to Sal's for our pizza fix. Back then, the Upper West Side wasn't the way it is today. There were no Starbucks, trendy overpriced diners and restaurants, and it was not a cultural hub. It was populated by newly arrived immigrants and their upcoming 1st generation offspring, poor families, rent controlled tenants, and the undesirable. Back then, the real slums were north of 96th Street. We were only a couple of blocks away and the physical boundary was not that defined.

Things didn't cost as much as they do today. With a $1 you could buy a $.50 plain cheese slice, a $.25 soda, and a $.25 Marino's italian ice. I must have been in that tiny shop about 2-3 times a week easily. We were the young and coming neighborhood knuckle-heads at a time when there were feuding neighborhood gangs and crack was gaining in popularity. Luckily, we were all too young to hang with the older gang bangers, who ended up landing themselves in jail after a brawl with a rival gang in Central Park. As a result, we all managed to stay out of any real trouble.

In the winter, we used to go into Sal's for pizza, and linger to talk to see who was gonna crack Sal. He was never a chatty man, but once he warmed up to you, he was really a nice man. There were even times we got a free slice or italian ice if we promised to get out of his hair. Every once in a while, very rarely I might add, if Sal could not make it in, you would see his brother Carmine at the helm, but for the most part, Sal was always front and center.

Sal's younger brother Carmine

Sal's pizza had a special thin crust, which was crunchy on the outside and soft on the inside. His cheese was unlike any other pizza shop I had tasted then and honestly, unlike any I have tasted since. Sal lovingly flung and tossed each floured dough ball he took out the fridge from those round nesting metal bowls and then cut each one with his handy dough cutter with the white handle. He spent a good 5 minutes just working the dough to get it to the perfect thickness so it could to bake to perfection. When he was finished, he would scrape the counter with the dough cutter to collect all the excess left behind. It wasn't a saucy pizza, but it didn't need to be. The magic was all in the dough and THAT cheese.

One day, Sal told us they would be moving further uptown. We were devastated. 102nd was within walking distance, but it wasn't just the fact we could still go up there and eat his famous slices, but we were feeling the loss of a trusted friend and surrogate father. During that time, a lot of my friends moved away, and it seemed like I was the only one left from the old gang. It was as if one chapter was closing and another was just beginning. I made a handful of pilgrimages over to the new location, but it wasn't quite the same. The restaurant had been renamed and now Carmine was a lot more visible. The pizza was still the same...yummy as ever, but as much as I had loved Sal's pizza itself, it was the feel of the old shop I missed and my long-gone friends. It was my first lesson that everything in life is constantly in flux.

I moved out of the old neighborhood 12 years ago. It makes me sad to go back sometimes since it has changed so dramatically and it reminds me of my long deceased mother who remained there until the end of her days. All the old mom and pop shops are gone. I am always in a hurry, and I never manage to remember to go back up to Sal's. I felt terrible to find out Sal had passed and that I had not had a chance to take my children there for a taste of my roots.

I found a link to a site reporting that the shop on 102nd had closed due to bad health inspections. I am hoping this was simply a temporary set back and that everything has been set straight since. I would hate for a fine NY institution like Sal's Pizza to have met such a tragic closing of its doors, and for the legacy of a hard-working and legendary old man dating all the way back to 1959 to have been dishonored in the end.

UPDATE: I just called (212) 663-7651 and was informed Sal's is still very much open and they close nightly at 10:00 pm...what a relief! I am definitely taking my kids there VERY soon.

EVEN MORE CURRENT UPDATE: Took the kids over to Sal's. My little one ate 2 whole slices, even the crust. The pizza was still the same; magical, and I got to tell my kids all about the history of the place and its owners. It was a really nice experience!

Are the Makers of Twix Trying to Say Women are Stupid?

2010-12-16T17:37:00.007-05:00

I have been meaning to post on this ridiculously misogynistic commercial that Twix currently has out. Every time I watch it, it makes me cringe:

This is even more insulting because statistically more women indulge in chocolate vs. men. Let's face it ladies, for us, it's like a religion. So why would a candy company like Mars, who also sells other popular candies like M&M's, Snickers, Dove Bars, Orbit Gum, Extra Gum, etc. insult their primary and most loyal target audience? Do they really think we, as women, are too stupid to get that this is the ultimate pat on the back for all cheating men everywhere? Or are they simply taking for granted that we cannot figure this out on our own without the aid of a big strong smart man? Tisk tisk, Mars!

What's even more hilarious is that they have a page highlighting their culture and professionalism within the workplace on their company webpage. They have 2 women making statements on the company's behalf. Does that seem exploitive or what?

Apparently, I am not the only one who thinks the same thing:

http://thehathorlegacy.com/the-twix-need-a-moment-campaign/

http://ethicsalarms.com/2010/11/28/another-unethical-tv-commercial-twix-trivializes-lies-infidelity/

http://www.jittery.com/twix-commercials.html

http://forums.commercialsihate.com/forum_posts.asp?TID=8994&PID=137313

http://www.mobilewhack.com/text-message-cheating-satired-in-twix-java-commercial/

http://rebhering.wordpress.com/2010/11/17/is-twix-condoning-infidelity/

http://uk.answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20090130105046AA2TOpa

the list goes on and on, but the most sad part is no one is looking at the high calorie and fat count that this crappy-ass chocolate has and that Mars is banking you WILL snack on:

Nutrition Facts

Amount per 1 package (2 oz)

Calories 284.4 kcal

Water 2.41 g

Carbohydrate (52%) 37.38 g

Protein (4%) 2.62 g

Total Fat (44%) 13.9 g

Monounsaturated 7.64 g

Polyunsaturated 0.48 g

Saturated 5.07 g

Trans Fat 0 g

Cholesterol 2.85 mg

Dietary Fibre 0.63 g

Total Sugars 27.37 g

Alcohol (0%) 0 g

Vitamins

Vitamin A 54.15 IU

Thiamin 0.07 mg

Riboflavin 0.11 mg

Niacin 0.43 mg

Pantothenic acid 0.15 mg

Vitamin B6 0.01 mg

Folate 10.83 mcg

Vitamin B12 0.17 mcg

Vitamin C 0.23 mg

Vitamin E 1.11 mg ATE

Minerals

Calcium 51.3 mg

Iron 0.46 mg

Magnesium 18.24 mg

Phosphorus 62.13 mg

Potassium 107.73 mg

Sodium 110.01 mg

Zinc 0.57 mg

Copper 0.14 mg

* Note: USDA factors are used in calculating certain foods and do not necessarily follow the "4-4-9" method. Percentages may not always add up to 100.

Carbohydrate content (grams per 100g) 65.58

Dietary Fiber content (grams per 100g) 1.1

Sugar content (grams per 100g) 48.02

Data source: USDA Nutrient Database, R17

This is even more disturbing when you compare it to a Mc. Donal'ds Chicken Sandwich (which contains 5 oz of chicken meat):

Calories 360 (1505 kJ)

Total Fat 16g 25%

Sat. Fat 3g 15%

Trans Fat 0g

Cholesterol 35mg 12%

Sodium 830mg 35%

Total Carbs. 40g 13%

Dietary Fiber 2g 8%

Sugars 5g

Protein 14g

Calcium 100mg

Even a serving of Ben & Jerry's chocolate ice cream, which is very dacadent, has less calories than a Twix:

Calories 260 (1087 kJ)

Total Fat 16g 25%

Sat. Fat 11g 55%

Cholesterol 50mg 17%

Sodium 50mg 2%

Total Carbs. 25g 8%

Dietary Fiber 2g 8%

Sugars 22g

Protein 4g

Calcium 150mg

So WHY would anyone still want to eat a Twix is beyond me? I mean, let's face it folks, companies spend a LOT of money on polishing up their public image to put forth a more responsible and sensitive persona (Amazon, Starbucks, Wendy's, etc....why should Mars get away with not being held up to the same standard?

2010 - A Year of Reflection & Discovery

2010-12-08T12:49:00.003-05:00

If I had to sum up 2010 into one sentence, I would say that 2010 was the year of reflection and discovery for me. It was the first time I realized and accepted that mostly everything in my life, as well as the lives of others close to me, turned out the way it was supposed to.

This year, I had the chance to contact a couple of old flames from when I was a young girl; one guy, I would have married eventually if it hadn’t been for what I considered for many years to be my pride. I always wondered about him, and how things played out in his own life. He and I had a very nice romance when I was a teen. He was in his early 20’s at the time, and had a son with a woman he had married on impulse in FL. He was desperately trying to escape that life and had come to NY to stay with his mother as he tried to get his life back together. Although our relationship lasted over 2 years and seemed great in every which way, I could not be the woman he wanted me to be. I was simply a silly girl with silly dreams, and no sense of responsibility or having to make any personal sacrifices on behalf of another. However, deep down, I knew I could never take him seriously because of his past entanglements. I never wanted to be someone who wrecked anyone’s home.

I remember our last conversation. I called him to talk about whatever trivialities took place during my day, and his mother handed his wife the phone. She asked me who I was, and I simply asked her to put him on the phone. She did and I assured him it was over for good before he even had a chance to say anything at all. I felt he should’ve at least warned me she was coming back. To be honest, I am not sure if he even knew before she actually showed up, but I knew he was between a rock and a hard place and could not answer me, which served my purpose just fine. He tried calling me many times after that, wrote me letters for years when he reenlisted back in the army, and even had friends checking up on me now and again. But, that was the last time I ever spoke with him directly and that was over 25 years ago.

Actually, no. I almost forgot, there was one other time. He called me 2 days after I had my first daughter, back in 1988 to congratulate me on her birth. I was shocked he even knew what had happened, but the conversation was very short since I did not want to upset the father of my child.

Then, last Spring, we were able to reconnect and talk over the phone briefly to catch up. He wanted to come visit me later on during the Summer, but I stated that unless it was OK with his wife, I did not think it was a good idea. I never heard from him since. I knew how that conversation would go so that is why I threw it out there. I am just glad he was honest enough to not have lied in order to make things easy on himself, but instead chose to do the right thing. As nice as what we had was, it belongs in the distant past as a memory we both share.

In speaking to him, I was surprised by the fondness of the memories he still so vividly recalls. He actually said I was the best girlfriend ever, which was very flattering. I filled him in on how my life was going. Honestly, it was kind of sucking by the time we spoke, but I could not go down the other woman route…not after what I had gone through, and frankly, never again!

Turns out, he currently lives in FL, has 2 sons and has been with the same woman he was involved with at the time. They celebrated their 27th Anniversary this year. The oldest son was disabled in a car accident, and the other takes after his father entirely. I told this ex that I felt everything did indeed turn out the way it was supposed to. I mean, had he ended up with me, his first son, who was a baby back then, would not have had a father when he needed one the most. He was meant to be there for him and his family. I don’t think he ever thought about it that way, but I hope that statement brought him some inner peace because it did for me. It was wonderful knowing I had made the right decision in letting him go so many years ago, and that he blossomed into such a wonderful family man . I am actually very proud of him. I sincerely hope he knows that.

There was another ex boyfriend with a similar outcome…not the accident or the special needs child, but the fact that our future together was not the one that was supposed to go forward. He seems somewhat dissatisfied with his life, but I think all married people or those in long term relationships go through this at one time or another. It does not mean the grass is greener on the other side or that you should jump ship on the spot. It just means you’re bored with life being so mundane and predictable, and it’s about time to spice things up again so you can rediscover why you fell in love with your partner in the first place. What a beautiful journey to have the person you love most by your side when you discover that they are truly the one that brings you happiness, security, comfort, love, and overall contentment. You are validated for taking that leap of faith in choosing this person, who walks this path with you as well. I sometimes wish that I had had the chance to take that journey in my own life, but for me, the path was different. Who knows? Maybe, down the road.

I have also realized that it IS a good thing that my husband is no longer with me. I don’t hate him so much anymore, yet I don’t quite forgive him. I am civil when I see him and simply don’t engage in any personal conversations, and definitely no trips down memory lane for us. He comes to see his daughter, and I treat him as I would any other guest, who steps through my threshold. I still don’t trust him to take her anywhere on his own or to make spontaneous judgments based on her actual welfare rather than his own, so I accompany them wherever they want to go without a fuss.

This is actually very big for me in moving forward. I used to be very combative and resentful, and we would bicker constantly. It would not go well almost every time we would get passed the word hello. I just truly realized that everything did turn out the way it was supposed to, and instead of fighting it, I should just embrace it, and be thankful that it is all over. Recently, I have thought about the compilation of infidelity that was going on under my nose (even with a neighbor from across the street), his mood swings, his numerous tantrums, his financial recklessness, his addictive personality, his inability to stay focused on one goal, his inability to take any personal responsibility for anything he did, his lacking of any moral or ethical barometer, the myriad of lies, his ongoing verbal and psychological abuse, his insecurities, and all the other stuff that came along with it. All I can say now is my girls and I are finally at peace and it feels really good!

Funny thing is whenever he dregs up old hurts or memories, I simply reiterate my handy new mantra. He seems to hate this. He still seeks to upset me. I choose not to worry about him or those things anymore, and simply live my life as best as I can.

NYS, My Backward State Home

2010-07-21T15:15:00.001-04:00

I have lived in NYC all my life, and being in the epicenter or a melting pot, you take for granted certain realities, such as the fact the rest of the state is extremely conservative, homophobic, and callously indifferent to any cause which does not involve Jesus. I am sad to confess this, but it’s very true. If your GPS wasn’t brazenly indicating you were still in NYS, you would think that you took a wrong turn into the Bible Belt instead of being in Upstate NY.

Personally, I am still disgusted by the whole gay marriage thing. I do not hide how much it saddens me to see these people suffer such unfair treatment by our local government. But, today I have found another reason to be disappointed by the fact that my beloved hometown clings to archaic values at the expense of ‘others’. This time, these ‘others’ are furry creatures who also cannot speak our language. And we all know how much we, New Yorkers, love, support, and welcome those who cannot speak our language!

I was outraged to find out that such a thing as canine and feline devocalization exists. Why in the world would you want your pets devocalized? Then, I recalled there are some people who function within our own plane of existence, but who happen to live in Fantasy Land. When you had this brainstorm of adopting or buying a dog or cat, you thought it would not make any noise? None at all…no barking, yelping, howling, nothing like what dogs normally do? Yup, that right there is some Fantasy Land $#*t! As of today, Massachusetts is the first state to ban devocalization of our furry friends. Way to go, trailblazing Massachusetts…much much love goes out to you!!!

The sad part is that this can be enforced when you are referring to a Vet performing the cutting of the vocal chords, but how do you control the animal breeders, who are ramming metal pipes down the dog’s throat to achieve the same result without getting caught? This is yet another reason why it’s a bad idea to buy pets from pet stores or anonymous breeders, whose breeding practices you are not thoroughly knowledgeable of.

The pet breeding is an industry which is so badly regulated and allowed to morph these poor animals into mutant versions of themselves, which is why so many of these ‘breeds’ have so many genetic and incurable health problems. The fact that there are millions of animals in shelters and so many are euthanized daily, makes buying dogs from stores or puppy mills extremely unnecessary and frankly rather reprehensible. At least this is something a reasonable sound minded person can accept. But, on the other end of the spectrum you have people who get pets solely as fashion accessories to follow in the footsteps of so called celebrities, such as Paris Hilton and her Chihuahua, Tinkerbell. Didn’t any one of these impetuous people look up the fact that Chihuahuas are hot-headed little noisy dogs? They usually are not the best behaved dogs or the easiest to train, either. Come on, you can’t claim stupidity during the era of the Intenet…sorry!!!

And so, the final result of this fashion trend was that a couple of hundred Chihuahuas were flown to New England by the ASPCA and several other humane societies from California since they make good apartment dogs. Luckily, the event was a huge success that even the airlines were flying the dogs from California for free.

Then, in the same vein, we have the declawing of cats. I can’t understand this one either. Cats can be trained to scratch a post without too much effort, and you can always simply trim the cats nails every few weeks. Yes, it takes some effort to get them to tolerate trimming their nails, but it can be done with time and patience. So, instead, let’s pay several hundred dollars to amputate all the digits below the third knuckle of their paws and then wonder why several years later the cats have behavioral issues…more sadistic Fantasy Land crap!!!

What really irks me are landlords who are allowed to require that the tenants’ pets be mutilated in order to approve a tenant to live on their property. Ummm….excuse me, the last time I checked this is not a favor you are providing out of the goodness of your heart! You are getting paid for these people to live on the property. Furthermore, if you want to be compensated for damage to the property, isn’t that the very definition of a security deposit?

I naively hope that NY will also catch up in cracking down on these landlords, but I suppose that hoping for that would place me right in the middle of Fantasy Land myself. If slumlords still abuse elderly tenants, and people, who are undocumented, and if these same landlords are allowed to neglect repairs, provide adequate heating, fire escapes, extermination services, etc. because people are afraid their rent will sky-rocket in one fail swoop, then there is no hope in pointing the finger at these same landlords in regards to demanding they cease abusive practices in regards to prospective tenants pets…is there? It does seem like an exercise in futility, but as high as the odds are stacked against us pet owners, we should immediately dismiss any landlord who refuses to consider that these are anything short of brazen acts of animal cruelty. If this person has no sympathy towards your plight in this respect, how sympathetic do you think he/she will be when your rent is late because of a major life change, such as the death of an income provider, loss of your job, overwhelming debts, or anything else life may throw at you; when it’s time and their right to pursue litigation against you and your children? My guess is not very sympathetic at all.

Map of Sleepy Hollow Cemetary (Sleepy Hollow, NY)

2010-07-19T11:24:00.002-04:00

Click Map to Enlarge

Photographing Ceramic Portraits

2010-07-12T22:16:00.003-04:00

I live in Queens, NY. What we have most around us in this borough are cemeteries. They are wonderful places to take long quiet walks and reflect on our own lives. Cemeteries can be very therapeutic because regardless of how magnified your problems may seem, they are usually not life-threatening. Sometimes, we need to remind ourselves that we are blessed and we are lucky simply to be alive.

Cemeteries also offer beautiful architecture, lush terrain, stories of real people who were here before us, and in many cases, we are fortunate enough to be able to view the defunct as they once were through porcelain portraits. I find these images to be incredibly beautiful and filled with so much richness, overflowing with history. Not only are you able to view the deceased's face, but many times, they were photographed with something or someone they loved, a favorite outfit, a favored toy, a pet, in a uniform, or during a special moment during their lives. Of course, the images can be fully appreciated without the context of their own tale or even outside the confines of personal identifiers, such as names or ethnicity. However, I do respect those who like to document ancestry, but that is not why I love these images. It is because these images, even when entirely isolated, speak volumes.

Because of this, I have decided to begin photographing monuments bearing porcelain portraits from the local cemeteries around me. I am very fortunate to have so many nearby. I am hoping to one day be able to capture all the existing portraits from the large list of cemeteries in Queens, and perhaps some others along the way. The sad part is so many people vandalize these depictions of the past. I have seen many scratched, laying broken on the floor, and some which simply fell victims to time and the severity of the elements.

I have found a few like-minded individuals so I know I am not alone in my quest. I do find some comfort that other people feel the same personalized connection I do when I gaze at the face of these long departed souls. I know many people would find my fascination morbid or strange, but I feel you cannot entirely appreciate life until you are able to come to terms with its opposite. If you share my passion or would like to view these wonderful images, please follow me to my new site Ceramic Portraits of Yesterday.

Cats on a Leash?

2010-06-12T11:28:00.001-04:00

I recall being about 14 years old when I had the pleasure of coming across a little long haired tortoise shell kitten. The Janitor at my HS had a female cat, who had had an unusually large litter of kittens, and he was looking to give away the runt. When I got her, she was so tiny that she actually fit into a cigar box. She was only several weeks old and had to be hand-fed several times a day. In no time, she grew and became a lovely young female cat. She was particularly loving and good natured since she correlated my role to be of her surrogate mother. As she grew older, it became clear, she longed to explore outside the confines of our apartment, but as is the case in most large cities, the outdoors is not the safest environment for a cat. This was when I decided to leash train my cat.

Back then, there was no mainstream Internet and certainly cat owners were not encouraged to leash train their cats. The first few times I took her outside, not only did I get many negative comments on my endeavor, but also many silent disapproving looks from people strolling about. However, I believed this was the most prudent choice for my cat and me, and continued to take her outside on a regular basis. Many times, dog owners would pass by and revel in the fact that my cat would become nervous and fidgety when they approached. During these moments, I would pick her up in my arms and reassure her until the threatening canine was out of sight and then would return her back to ground level. She would then continue her walk without incident.

In time, she learned to walk alongside me and became quite content with her outings. I am glad to see that today in 2010, there are so many resources for cat owners to learn how to leash train their felines and many of them speak of the benefits of such an action. Like all good ideas, people resist them at first, and then they become quite commonplace:

http://www.google.com/search?q=taking+cat+out+for+walks&rls=com.microsoft:en-us:IE-SearchBox&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&sourceid=ie7&rlz=1I7RNWN_en

However, even today, I find many friends who I have consulted on their own cats being leash trained, resist the idea. I believe this is strictly a personal choice, and yes, not all cats are suited for leash training due to temperament. Today, I have a young female cat named Azalia. She is under 2 years old and has gained a lot of weight due to boredom and the change of becoming a house cat vs. a shelter cat. We adopted her about 5 months ago, and at that time, she weighed in about 9 lbs. She had been a stray, most likely abandoned by someone who could not keep her for whatever reason. She has always been very sweet and socializes well with humans, nothing like a feral cat.

After a couple of months of home life, she ballooned up to 13 lbs. She has become lazy and wants to take a breather after a few minutes of rigorous play. However, I also see in her the longing to go out. She attempts to sneak out whenever someone enters the house and opens the door, but to her dismay we have another door leading outside and a bug screen door in front so she never makes it out of the foyer. She absolutely loves her cat perch by the window particularly when the window is open. She spends hours sunning and watching the birds and other animals outside. I have attempted putting on a small secure dog harness and taking her to the porch with her leash. She still has not gotten over the stimulus outside, but definitely likes the outdoor time. We still need a lot of work to do on the adapting to the harness part, but slow and steady wins the race.

As far as diet, I feed her high quality natural foods, such as Wellness CORE and Merrick’s wet foods. Her diet is not the culprit for her weight gain; it’s more a product of inactivity due to being confined indoors. I have begun only feeding her a small portion of the pelleted food combined with a couple of tablespoons of wet food during the morning feeding so she has the chance to work it off during her mid-morning playing sessions. During her evening feeding, I feed her wet food exclusively. Her food is portioned out, and I don't leave the dry food out for her to feed on demand during the day. I found that she is a glutton at heart and if permitted would continuously eat all day long. This diet change has offset some of the weight she put on initially, but I am really hopeful that leash training her will add some much needed physical activity to her daily routine.
So all you cat owners out there who would like to leash train your cats, there is light at the end of the tunnel although you will need to exercise a lot of patience and take into account the cues your cat gives you every step of the way, but it can be done. Once your cat becomes comfortable, it is quite a rewarding experience for pet and owner…so hang in there and be patient!

I LOVE Chick Tracts!

2010-04-29T12:39:00.036-04:00

By the 7 train entrance under the Port Authority lurk several Christians and distributors of Chick Tracts. I always mean to stop by and collect the Tracts from them, but you have to talk to them at length and pretend to buy into everything they say. If you do, they will give them to you for free. What are Chick Tracts, you ask? Oh, the most awesome little cartoon booklets written by some racist religious nut-job, which manages to insult every race and ethnic group on the planet in his ongoing quest to disseminate 'the truth'. The philosophies within the Tracts are so utterly ridiculous that they lend themselves to hours of entertainment. And, they come in many different languages so you won't miss being insulted even if your English is not very strong. I personally LOVE to read them and enjoy the feelings of shock and disbelief I experience each time I read one.

My personal favorite is:

The Last Generation

Wow, Jack Chick really went off the deep end in The Last Generation. I mean, to believe the government will prosecute people for believing in religion is so far-fetched and the complete opposite pole to the current state of affairs…come on! Then, the inflection that witches are teaching in our schools, and depicting children dressed as little Nazi’s, which of course is meant to imply that our government is brainwashing our children as was done in Germany. So…does that mean that Obama is the Hitler of his time? That’s pretty darned funny if you ask me. I mean, he’s been called many many names, but a parallel to Hitler takes the cake. The next logical conclusion seems to be to believe that people, who are not preoccupied with religious teachings, are blood thirsty animal killers…they have no regard for life. Yeah, nice tie into the whole abortion debate there, Jack. Or, did you think no one would figure that one out? *eye roll* I personally would have used lambs, but house pets is fine, too, I suppose.

The whole idea that if you decide to teach your kids about religion you will be charged with child abuse, hunted and persecuted, and to top it all off, sent to a concentration camp…come on! I love the cheap unadulterated symbolism here; the candlelight so bright as the Dad is being taught about the ‘truth’. Then, the Rasputin type character with the pointy hat…that’s just precious!

OMG, it gets even better; microchipped human cattle assimilated into the collective. Then, he goes on to suggest that an Inquisition exists intent to cull Christians is so utterly insulting to every other religion out there, particularly the ones which were actually murdered during the very REAL inquisitions during the Dark Ages. Let’s sweep under the rug that many ‘Christians’ were killed then because they were not Catholic. To now use the generic name ‘Christians’ and stating they will be hunted is a simplistic attempt to muddy the history, and the real meaning of WHO exactly will be saved. The funny thing is their beliefs are continuously discredited by the fact that even among the ‘Christians’ themselves, they can’t agree on the exact details of The Rapture or a lot of other ‘facts’ listed in the Bible. Let’s not get into which version of the Bible is the true version, either.

OK, I get it…this is all leading to The Armageddon…I get it!

What I don’t get is how can anyone actually believe that God, who is supposed to be loving and a learned God, will mercilessly kill anyone who lives a good life simply because they do not believe in the ‘right’ religion? I mean is it just me or is every religious group claiming to be the ‘special’ ones, the bearers of the truth amongst truths ? and some, go as far as to start dropping exact dates of when these cataclysmic events will take place).

Now, they have found the ultimate blanket statement and use the word ‘Christians’ to try to make themselves seem somewhat unified, but in reality each group hates the other. I can’t see how God would allow people who declare they are religious, but have true evil in their hearts to go to heaven as was uncovered with the Catholic priests molesting all those kids lately. So, all those priests get a free pass because they devoted their lives to the ‘word’, but all those people who live their lives peacefully and don’t harm anyone, will go to hell because they did not go to church?

Corruption within religion is nothing new. If you read any of the older texts written by clergy, it’s pretty plain to see that many holy men then harbored evil within them and justified their actions through a collection of Bible passages. If it wasn’t for the fact that there truly were holy men within the clergy, who managed to disclose many of these infractions and record them in the tomes they wrote, no one would have been the wiser because the masses were kept in ignorant bliss to maximize their complacency.

I refuse to believe God is that dumb and that we are able to shamelessly manipulate him simply by lying to ourselves and to him. But of course, this then brings on the question why don’t the wicked get punished while they still walk the Earth instead of later when no one else but the heavenly beings can appreciate it?

Or in the words of the incorrigible Madea:

“God takes too long sometimes for me, I got to get got then.”

To me, it's pretty simple. If you are truly a person of God, you must live by the word of God at all times, not just when it's convenient for you. You must be a role model to the rest of us, heathens. The act of going to church to socialize, prophetize, and demonize is not for God's benefit, but for your own. There are no days off, but you must be the living embodiment of piety and goodness within the confines of the frailty of your own humanity.If you can't do that, and frankly, I have never met anyone who actually can, then you have no right to judge others!

Women Dating Online Should Watch Out for the Cyber-Cheat!

2010-04-24T12:34:00.000-04:00

No one wants to find out your new guy is a cheater, but if we, as women, stopped making it so easy for men who cheat to get nookie, they would not be getting away with as much as they are currently. I have been approached by many men online who appear to be witty, charming, and well-rounded until you start asking questions. A lot of them will tell you the truth outright if you just bother to ask. Most men find so many women, who will have sex with them without any regard of their current lifestyle or familiar obligations, that they make no attempt to hide anything from you. They figure if you won't play along, some other woman will and sadly, they are right!

Men who are always available at certain times only. Whether it's peak or non-peak times, if that new man cannot take a phone call or call you during large chunks of times always avoiding the same time frame, that's a huge red flag.

I know many times it's difficult to tell when someone is already attached and looking for something on the side, but the least we can do is try to protect ourselves from being misled or wasting time and energy on someone else's problem man-child. Don't ever be afraid to look someone up online. Often womanizers have pissed enough enough victims that they have a cyber rap sheet of gripes, which can be easily found if you just take the time to do so. It is not a violation of privacy or of trust or whatever. It is a way of protecting yourself and you have every right to do so!

For me, when a man reveals he is married, taken, or in a 'it's complicated' type of situation, I steer clear. Why do I want to waste any more of my time on someone who already comes with plenty of drama and commitment issues? Many years ago, I did have an affair with a married man. I can honestly say today it was a big mistake. Then, the secrecy, the fantasy, the thrill of the 'forbidden fruit' thing was all great, but at the end of the day, despite my emotional investment, he went home to his wife, and I was left to deal with my repeated disappointments on my own. I slowly began to realize the relationship was extremely one-sided. Don't get me wrong; he treated me nicely, and we spent a lot of time together. He was never cruel. We never argued. The sex was great. He was gorgeous. The relationship had everything I could ever ask for except that I was not the priority, and I knew that.

Now, having been on the other side of the coin, I got to see the impact cheating has when a family is disbanded. Everyone in the family gets hurt, not just the unsuspecting partner. It's not pretty and frankly, it's not necessary. If you are not happy in your current relationship, just have the balls to leave and don't look back, but to keep someone hanging on to false hope, and go behind their back and continually cheat, is reprehensible and extremely selfish. This is exacerbated if there are children involved because they will never relate to your marital woes. All they will see is that one parent is abandoning them because he / she does not love the other parent anymore, and more often than not, if the children are young, they will take on part of that guilt and blame. Why should your children be held responsible because you can't hold yourself accountable for your own actions?

I definitely learned from my past mistakes, and today, I would never stand to have any type of emotional friendship or physical relationship with another woman's man. You read me right...not even a friendship. To me, it's like if your wife, you, and I can't all hang out together, then you and I have no business hanging out...period. Any woman who thinks differently, is in deep denial and enabling a cheater. Your job in life is not to 'save' another woman's man, but to find one of your own, who you can get along with and who will devote 100% of his self to only you. The problem is you have to believe you are worthy of that level of devotion. If not, you will continue to fall for these lying men and make excuses for their behavior in exchange for a few crumbs of attention they will throw your way!

Raymond Pero, Psychic Extraordinaire!

2010-04-22T23:41:00.001-04:00

Back in late 1998, a friend at work told me about a psychic she went to a few times whom everyone thought was really amazing. I had never been a real believer in psychics per se, but was definitely curious. I was more interested in going there and outsmarting this psychic more than anything else. I knew some of the tricks of the trade, cold readings, baiting the client for information, etc. so I was on my guard, and really thought he was going to be another fraud.

I called the telephone number on the specified day of the week and scheduled an appointment for myself as well as a good friend. Her and I met in Manhattan on the day of the appointment and were so excited about our upcoming visit with Raymond Pero, the psychic. Mr. Pero's receptionist had asked us to bring photos of family members and friends so I chose a picture of my mom and one of my daughter. We got there early and Raymond was running behind, but about an hour later, I walked into the young man's workspace. I was actually taken aback at how young he was. He looked as if he was in his early to mid 20's. I don't know why, but I just expected someone older, heavier, and with a much more imposing presence. He looked like one of my friends from High School, and definitely very approachable. I felt at ease immediately.

I sat down for my reading and handed him the pictures. He immediately began telling me about how I would meet the man I would spend the rest of my life with in a short time, and that I would be engaged not much afterwards. I can't even begin to express how incredulous I was at the time since I didn't even have a serious boyfriend at the time. He told me I would become a teacher and do something which relied very heavily on computers. He said I had technical eyes. He scribbled the name of my future mate on a piece of paper, it was something starting with a P. It was so long ago, I don't recall exactly what the name was, but that was actually wrong. And finally, he told me I would have another child, another girl. Come on, if I didn't even have a man, how was I going to have a child?

Ok, so how did things actually play out in real life after Raymond's reading? In February of 1999, I met my current husband and soon to be ex. We got engaged in July of that same year. We stayed together for over a decade, and did have a little girl together. I had her at exactly 35 years old, which was a cut off age for me. I always knew I wanted to be around long enough to raise my kids, and for them to not have to bear the burden of losing their mother during their teen years. I can imagine how rough that must be on the children.

Today, I am an Administrative Manager. My job relies mostly on the computer, but I also do some staff teaching with new employees, training for various office equipment, etc. not to mention I got my BA in Elementary Education. I just discovered half-way through college I would never have the patience to teach full-time so I opted to go corporate. Besides, private businesses are where the real money is. Education is one of those careers you need to love because you definitely will NOT be doing it for the myriad of financial perks available to you.

Over the years, I lost contact with the friend I had gone with. She had had a similar experience with Raymond's reading. It was eerily accurate. I had also lost Raymond's number and frankly, it did not seem to be a priority at the time. So now, over 12 years later, my friend and I reconnected on Facebook. She had done some investigating on her end and obtained Raymond's number. She was psyched to go with me again. I was not only happy to be able to reconnect with her again, but gitty at the prospect of being able to consult Raymond once more. Right now, I am at a strange cross-roads in life. I am separated and kind of in a weird slump. I am in a job I feel does not have too much of a future for me. My parents are both deceased, and life is rather challenging trying to raise 2 kids alone. I am not sure what answers I seek, but I guess any guidance would be helpful.

I don't feel my life is purpose-less or anything of the sort. I am just not certain if I should play it so safe or begin taking chances again. I used to be quite adventurous at one time, but it was also because I had somewhat of a safety net with family and such. Now those resources are no longer there, and I feel I am obligated to just cling on to what I have for fear of losing the security of it all. I don't want to put my kids through unnecessary tribulations, and I definitely don't want to find myself destitute. I am really more concerned regarding career, I suppose. I mean the romantic element I can take or leave. I can survive without romance. I can't survive without money.

To wrap up, I will say there are many reviews online, which mention Raymond Pero. Most people have had very good experiences with him. If it had not been for the fact that I had gone there myself, and that things played out the way they did, I would probably be as skeptic as I was the day I left his homey office. However, too many coincidences and things that were then so very improbable and unattainable, and they all came to pass. I can't believe that it is all just a coincidence or he just guessed astronomically luckily.

But to put this all to the test, I will say that I have an appointment to return to Raymond sometime soon. Once he does my reading, I will bullet point a summary of the reading in this blog for future reference, and let's see how many of the details actually do come to pass? Of course, a lot of this will take time to develop, but I think at the very least getting it all down from the beginning will help to verify or dismiss things down the line. Right now, I believe in Raymond 100%, but my analytical mind can't help, but to put him to the test.

Signs He's NOT Over His Ex

2010-04-20T14:31:00.001-04:00

I found this article somewhat funny and tragic. The thought that one can be dating someone who is not entirely over his last relationship is not a good place to be, to say the least. Often, we do see the signs, but fool ourselves into thinking we can speed them along once they realize how wonderful we REALLY are. Of course, we must be that much better than his last love if not they would still be together, right? Most of the time, just willing it will not work, and if a guy hasn't taken the time to heal himself before jumping back into another relationship, he is probably not someone you need in your life anyways. He is someone who can't stand to be around himself by himself, or someone who is very uncomfortable with his own innermost feelings and simply buries them deep hoping they will never resurface... also, not very effective.

I find this is the case with my ex now. He took no time off and has bounced back from one woman to another, and then back to the first one. He seems stuck in this cycle. I, on the other hand, have taken some time off to clear my head and put not only the previous relationship behind me, but all the past hurts. Who is happier at the moment? Undoubtedly, he is, but it also depends how you define happiness. Is happiness simply being in ANY relationship so you won't have to face yourself? Then, yes, he's way ahead of me. However, it's pretty obvious I am ready to detach much more readily than he is. I don't try to find ways to engage him in constant chatter or create situations in which he would be forced to hang out with me. Instead, I simply try to act as cordial as possible and maintain his visitation uninterrupted for the sake of our daughter. I don't find a compulsion to bait him, find out about his social life or anything of the sort and frankly, I really wish he would cease in constantly trying to draw me into his own drama. I guess, in my perfect world Saturdays would last forever!

For me, finding happiness has been a journey to not only rediscover my own self again, but to realize I can stand on my own two feet, and to thoroughly evaluate what exactly went wrong last time around so I can avoid the same mistakes in the future. I know the race goes on, and I feel much more at peace now than I ever did in our decade together. I can now see that I am better off without him, and I really do wish he could do the same instead of simply using these words to try and hurt me so he can rest assured that I still care.

My Life Now Without the Serial Cheater :)

2010-04-20T11:15:00.006-04:00

It's been almost a year since he left the house of his own volition. I have gone through many psychological and spiritual changes in my path to reconcile all his doings, not only in regards to myself, but the cluster of women he managed to manipulate and copulate with along the way. Does it still hurt? Yes, it does because all I see is I managed to waste all of my 30's on a relationship that went nowhere. I am still dealing with some residual 'drama' here and there, certainly not as much as before. I am thankful for that, at least!

He still does not contribute a dime in child support. His car was repossessed because he is so utterly irresponsible, and he is unhappy with his job and life in general. It's funny because he is the only one who is unable to see this is the same story yet again. The only difference was that when he actually lived with me, we shared a bank account. All the other problems, were still there, but alas, it's STILL all my fault!

I have been trying to keep the peace and keep my opinions constrained, and for the most part, I am able to not faulter. However, lately I found out he took my youngest daughter with him on another date with yet another woman. At first, I wrestled with the decision as you may have read in my previous post and I came to the conclusion, I would allow him to use his discretion. After that, we spoke at length regarding me not being comfortable with him using his daughter to impress women. I don't think he agreed with me because he has a very difficult time gauging anyone's needs but his own, but at least he did agree to not let it happen again. In order to justify his inappropriate behavior, he confessed to dating a new woman exclusively.

Her name is Shamika and how they have been dating for some time now. I already knew she was in the picture since before he and I split up. He forgets I have all the cell phone numbers from his old phone and all the itemized bills going a few years back. You never know when these might come in handy. He tried to deny it, and frankly, I didn't bother to argue about it. I've had her telephone number since April of last year so I am very familiar with the timeline, but I am also smart enough to not tip my hand unnecessarily. The funniest part is that all this information is here in plain view, but he was always too stupid to take any interest in any of my hobbies. How many times did he read my blog while we lived together? NONE and how many times did he read it afterwards? ONCE when he freaked out over my post which outted him entirely and made it so easy to figure out exactly who he was unless you were a complete moron. But, I suppose it's the perfect illustration of the many ills of our marriage.

Now, it's all about how I was such a horrible wife, his previous ex has also been upgraded and cannonized after years of being trashed, and Shamika is now also a prospective candidate for sainthood. I just wonder how long it will be before he kicks her off the pedestal. People like him only idolize those they ‘love’ for as long as they remain nice and pliable. If they happen to develop opinions of their own, or scrutinize any ill-treatment, or dare to recognize they are being manipulated, he will lash out and rage against her.

In a way, I almost feel sorry for her because seeing this change in someone you care for, is quite a rude awakening and it's only a matter of time. His anger is actually quite scary. It is the type of anger that leaves you feeling he is capable of anything to make you submit, and you can’t know where the boundary lies within himself. No, he never actually beat me, but he did choke me once and shoved me into a wall, and he did slap me during another fight. But, his words were like daggers and they eroded my self-esteem syllable by toxic syllable for over a decade. He always said that words did not really hurt, only physical violence did. I am still not certain if he repeated this hollow justification for my benefit or his.

However, his putdowns are now wasted on me. Oh, he still tries, but it just doesn’t have the same effect anymore. My motto is this – if you are not my immediate loved one, pay my rent or are a lover, whom I am emotionally invested in, your opinion doesn’t really count. I will always listen to people’s opinions, but at that point, I am able to discern the validity of the advice or criticism, and opinions of people who are intent on hurting me, are immediately discarded by my BS Filter. The way I see it is if Shamika is gullible enough to not figure out that his popular social networking site page only has a handful of women, all of which he's been screwing, and a SINGULAR male friend, they deserve each other. It's even more comical because he's moved back into the same apartment he lived in when he was having sex with Joy May, and to top it off, she's activated as one of his 'friends' on the page. I wonder how's that working out? I guess that is my problem after all. I am just too smart for my own good. I just read too much into things, but I consider myself blessed to be me ;) .

To add insult to injury, he still continues to tell me he loves me one second, and when he sees it doesn’t phase me, he will resort to how horrible I was as a wife. He really is like a small child trying to win your approval one minute, and then when you don’t respond the way they want, they insult you. He really thinks this will somehow break me. I am just tired of rebutting the same old tune. I know I was not the perfect wife. I never strove to be. I simply wanted to be the best me I could be, but what I am is very honest with myself. This has never changed; it’s always been this way for me. Whatever mistakes I made, I am at peace with them, but I also know I did not go around anyone's back and lie, cheat, steal, manipulate and berate, in order to fulfill my own selfish needs, and in the end not have the balls to man up to my own actions. Even now, when I make promises to my children, I keep them, and I certainly have no qualms in allotting 100% of my salary to support my family. I don't ask of him anything that I am not willing to do myself and certainly did not ask for much more when we were living under the same roof.

This past Tuesday, was our youngest daughter's birthday. He was supposed to show up at 6:30 pm with a cake and at least one gift. His daughter was an after-thought, as usual, and he not only arrived super late and stayed for about a half hour, but had no cake to boot. I just got sick and tired of waiting for him to arrive, and headed over to the gym. By the time I got out, I called him to inquire if he had even bothered to show up. I must admit I was angry by then. His latest disrespect of flaunting this new woman and trying to make me feel inadequate next to her, and then finally this birthday infraction towards our child, was very much on my mind, and slowly gnawing at me. That's when it happened; he began begging for pity over his current financial situation. It's always: "Woe, is me...the world is $#|tting on me yet again", and I couldn’t hold back. I lost it. I simply lost control. I told him exactly what I thought about him, and everything these other women SHOULD be telling him, if they even managed to get to know him well enough, about himself. Everything just flooded out, and I think he was just so taken aback that he could not offer no real justification anymore. At first, he tried to blurt out the same sorry excuses, but that's all they were, and we both knew it. He's overused them so much, he is just losing ground.

Of course, then he tried to guilt me, and complain that I had an attitude problem, and that's why I was being so nasty. I retorted that I could simply be as nasty as I wanted because he had made this bed, and if he didn't like it, it was too bad. There wasn't anything he could do about it. I owe him absolutely nothing!

At one point, the discussion took a turn and fixated on Shamika. I sounded jealous and bitter and I knew this, but honestly, I did not care. What really makes it burn is not that he's dating someone new, but that it's someone he was cheating on me with. And, that he still continues to not only deny it, but to make passes at me whenever I let my guard down even a little bit. I just wanted him to know how disrespectful this all was, and that it was not ok. I had to accept it because of the current situation, but I didn't have to like it, and basically, my reaction to this or anything else was mine to own for better or for worse. Whether I felt like being nice or nasty was my decision to make whenever I saw fit. He had no control over MY emotions or any of MY reactions. Believe me, the point was made.

The funny thing is that happened a week ago, and right after I unloaded on him, I felt so much relief. I guess I really needed to let all that out. Ever since then, I am in a much better mood. I must confess prior to that incident, I had been bummed, and was even having trouble staying asleep through the entire night. I don't intend to do this all the time, of course, but I just think that I could not bite my tongue any longer. It all had to come out and he HAD to hear it!

WTF Happened to Mr. Quiñones?

2010-04-18T01:00:00.020-04:00

Back in the late 70’s, I had the most amazing teacher. He was a skinny, friendly man with a light brown Afro. He wore striped polo shirts and was the coolest teacher I had encountered since the beginning of my formative years. I was in his class from 4th through the 5th grade, and in that time, our class went to camp twice, I discovered a love of learning due to this educator, and I made many friends, whom I will never forget. It was a wonderful time of unrestrained youth and innocence.

Now, 3 decades later, I found an article featuring my beloved childhood mentor, which distressed and disappointed me very profoundly. The title of the article read “Queens teacher had sex with male, female student”. I could not believe my eyes, but there was no denying it was him; his face is unmistakable even with the hat and shades he was donning in the blurry portrait. I was absolutely stunned and learned very abruptly that 30 years is a long time and people do change, or do they?

When he taught our class at PS75, there were never moments of impropriety within the confines of the classroom. Although, I must confess I do recall 2 or 3 of my male classmates hung out with him out of the school setting on a regular basis. They always spoke of playing basketball with our teacher in Riverside Park or visiting his apartment, which apparently was close by. I was 10 years old and to be honest, just never thought that this was something that other teachers did not do with their students. I was naïve back then, but now looking back on it as an adult, and knowing that a lot of the kids in our class had very complex problems at home, I find his actions even more reprehensive. He took advantage of the vulnerabilities of youth and the naïveté, which every kid has, a desire to rebel against and prove adults wrong. And, in turn, demonstrate how grown-up, they really are. This rebellious streak does not make children, tweens, teens, or young adults any more qualified to make sound decisions, just that much more impatient for the autonomy they know nothing about. The independence, which once attained will be at first resented, and will overwhelmingly continue to increase, whether you are ready or not. It's so true when adults advise youth to take advantage of being young because youth is truly precious, yet very fleeting.

But, for most sexual predators the story is always the same. It’s about being able to control their victims. They are self-deluding and always claim to act in the best interest of the victim. This is demonstrated in the manner in which Mario Quiñones primped the young lady from the age of 15 until the age of 17 when he could no longer be charged for statutory rape. This was not for her benefit, but for his. I wonder what lie he told her. Was it rationalized that it was in order to protect her against the judgment of others who would never understand their love? Or was it some other BS line? The fact remains that he was meticulously planning on how to engage in sexual acts with this young lady without the threat of prosecution, which all the more proves he absolutely knew it was 100% wrong, and willfully acted in a manner in order to bypass litigation.

The really sad part is that while attending his class I recall having several friends with very serious problems at home. There were two, whom I remember most prominently. One friend was being molested by her father, and tragically, her mother knew about the sexual abuse, but felt helpless to do anything about it. My friend was a prisoner in her own home, and had no protection whatsoever. Another friend was beaten repeatedly, and if anyone became suspicious, her parents would simply move her to another school in order to sustain 'the secret'. She had already attended a number of schools and yearned stability, protection, and rescue, yet sadly, she was gone several months later. I lost contact with her then, but she has haunted my memories for many years after.

Yes, we were a sorted bunch. Back then, the Upper West Side was not what it is now. There were no hipsters or yuppies then, no Whole Foods and no Starbucks. Any abode north of 86th Street was where the undesirables lived. My friends were newly arrived immigrants or first generation Americans, like myself, and their parents were mostly working types. And yes, we did have some friends whose mothers were raising their kids alone, and some were addicted to drugs or whoring. Life in poverty was not pretty, but it was what I knew, and it was what I was growing up in. For better or for worse, I was one of the lucky ones. My mom did not allow me to hang out very often. She was afraid of my friends being a bad influence. At times, I resented her for this, but in hindsight, it was a good course of action because many of my friends then, ended up either dead, incarcerated, or having a bunch of children with a bunch of different guys and living off the government.

Most of the kids around me were needy, either out of circumstance or neglect, and these were the kids in Mr. Quiñones' class. The way I see it is to take advantage of someone, who has already been victimized, is absolutely monstrous. I am certain it was no different at Robert F. Wagner Jr. Secondary School. After all, there was a reason that this young woman felt unable to speak out and report what was happening sooner. She had been methodically chosen because of her weaknesses of mind and spirit, and continually brainwashed in order to not only keep the sexual activity a secret, but to keep returning for more on a regular basis. What was it that was missing in this young woman's home life that Mario Quiñones was able to zero in on and exploit to his own advantage? How fortunate he must have thought he was to find such a perfectly pliable victim and then to find her male counterpart. The stars must have been aligned in his favor.

The disturbing fact is most pedophiles do seek employment which will give them access to victims, and being that he was already blurring the lines between mentor and friendship with his students even back in the 70's, makes me think this was a compulsion he may been able to control early on in his career, but, the longer he was around kids, the temptation grew to be unbearable. He must have wrestled with this within himself for years. However, knowing this was the case, at any time, he could have, and should have sought help. Yes, it would have been a difficult path to follow; one filled with brutal and unforgiving self-discovery, and being forced to face that conscious action must be constantly taken in order to avoid giving into this temptation, much like an addict must constantly struggle to quell his inner demons. But, he would have remained a hero in the eyes of so many people he had inspired for so many years. Instead, he chose the path of selfish instant gratification, and ended up ruining his career, and violating the trust of every child he had ever taught. Let’s be frank for one instant, and accept that it could have been any one student at any time. He had literally become a ticking time bomb.

And so, ends the tragic tale of Mr. Mario Quiñones, a beloved NYC teacher with 24 glorious years under his belt. So many things went out the window when you were ousted; the respect of so many colleagues, the thankfulness of so many parents, who will now question if you had been improper with their children, the admiration of the Department of Education, the silence of your victims, and the fond memories so many of your former students had of being in your class, such as myself. All those things are now marred with your own misguided lust, and for what? It's not as if you didn't know exactly what was wrong with that whole scenario. Were women your own age too intimidating, or did they simply reject you way too many times to make you feel inadequate so that you needed someone you could control? After all, how many Psych case studies you must have studied to get where you were then? It's not like you could not have known exactly on what end of the spectrum you fit. I really hope it was all worth it for you Mr. Quiñones, and that this whole debacle has brought some peace within your life. I wish for you to have gained the wisdom to have learned from your own mistakes the same way that we learned so many scholastic lessons from you. I really do.

The Wisdom to Embrace Humility Brings About Serenity

2010-04-07T23:39:00.002-04:00

If we are lucky, at times, we have these great moments of learning valuable lessons in life. A fleeting event can bring on what we have coined as an epiphany and we realize that quite suddenly something which may have alluded us before simply makes sense, just like that!

I believe I have had one of those moments in life. I have discovered that serenity and peace within diurnal life is yielded by the practice of true humility. There is a certain wisdom to be gained in seeking to be passive. Do not get me wrong, I am not advocating submissiveness. Instead, I am placing all my eggs in the basket of being able to discern which approach is more appropriate in each situation. Sometimes, a firm hand, or an aggressive approach only sets you back from your true goal.

I know for myself I am used to giving direction and leading others in one manner or another, in both my station as a mother and as a manager. It is mostly difficult for me to take a back seat approach and let things play out. I believe this has been reinforced for me when almost a year ago, I found out my husband of 10 years had been having numerous affairs. The separation was not pretty and yes, my pride was hurt and my feelings were stretched to the point of continual resentment, depression, and apathy towards many aspects. At first, I became quite preoccupied with working out to the point of isolating myself since all I was doing was basically working and then hitting the gym. I was never healthier physically, but a wreck emotionally.

I am in a different place now. I have fallen off the health wagon a bit, but know that I can resume at any time. Tomorrow is simply another day and another opportunity to begin anew and I am in no rush to win any race.

As far as my ex, he’s always been a great source of ongoing annoyances and ‘drama’. His entire existence is based on his own self and serving his own needs. He is manipulative and a liar. For myself, I seek to eliminate all these negative traits entirely from my own life, and slowly but surely have begun to find ways in order to evade and avoid him completely. I find that with this approach, there is no big stressor in my life, and that I am not constantly embroiled in insignificant issues, which honestly I care nothing about yet generate a lot of tension.

One example of this was about 3 weeks ago, the ex visited my home in order to spend time with our daughter. She is only 5 and oblivious to his true nature. However, I am well versed in his games and in his 'ways', good or bad. He asks to speak to me privately, which was not unusual since every time he came over there was always some private issue, which needed immediate discussion according to him. He goes on to reveal his friend, Jenn Barton, from a popular social networking site received a phone call from ‘his wife’, meaning me since we are still married under the law. I was then accused of making threats to this woman.

Now, let’s interpret this accusation / request for me to stop doing this. 1) This woman is not a just a ‘friend’. She is one of the women he was screwing then and now. Yes, I had called her back in July when my ex and I first split up after I kept receiving desperate text messages from this woman with smiley faces on my ex’s old phone number about how she missed him so desperately and how her husband and kids were out of the picture so they could be together. Back then, the wounds were still fresh and yes, I did text her back, strung her along, and shot her down when I called her. I went for the jugular and yes, I enjoyed it at the moment, but it was a rather fleeting satisfaction and I am not proud of it.

The funny part was that as the accusation / request went on he began to trash her looks and called her fat to deny the fact that he had ever slept with her. It was an exact replica of what had happened with Joy May all over again, but this time, I could see right through it. But, it didn’t even matter anymore. However, it was quite entertaining to watch the shame he felt in order to so vehemently deny his involvement with both these women stating his repulsion towards them. Honestly, it was just sad because I knew how it was all unfolding before my eyes. Since that initial call to Jenn Barton back in July, I have discovered so many times over that my ex is such a scumbag that I have grown numb to his self-serving ways and frankly, today I really do believe I am much better off without him. I think he can sense this, and it unnerves him to no end; not to mention that the fact that I know him so very well. I am sure it must piss him off so very much.

The bottom line is today, I can sincerely state I hold no ill will towards any of his women because I know he lies to them and simply seeks to make himself look good by scape-goating and bad-mouthing others. He also hand picks women, who are very insecure and in turn, they allow him to plant himself as the center of their world. Hey, they buy into it, so I say…to each, his own.

What really unnerved me about this entire situation was that WHY did he bring this to me and WHY did he reveal her name and that she was on that particular networking site? It felt as if he was baiting me. I figure the truth lay in 1 of 2 most probable scenarios: 1) either he was making this all up to get a rise out of me, or 2) Jenn Barton was making it up to separate me from him even more than we already are, or some convolution of the two. After all, he was still visiting my home and maybe this fed into her own insecurities. Let’s face it any girlfriend’s worse nightmare is the ex being in the picture and particularly when a child is involved. All it takes is that one moment of passionate weakness and the couple is back together again. What I am certain of is that none of these women know that we are still married and that he does not pay a cent in child support. But, that’s really not very prudent right now.

Regardless of what the issue was, I was not involved and did not care to be involved so I felt I should have been left out entirely. If he wanted to impress her, then he should have made up another lie and faked asking me and move on, or have chosen to keep silent in order to keep the peace and not disrespect me yet again. Instead, it turned into an argument lasting several hours, and most of the debate was fruitlessly going over every other issue we had previously had as a couple. I was not only outraged, but quite distraught after this interchange. I abruptly ended the very terse conversation by telling him this was the reason I chose not to discuss certain things with him.

As a conclusion, I decided to sit it out and let them, him and his women, sort out their own issues. So after that, each time my ex would show up to pick up our daughter, I would not admit him into my home, and I would have him take his child with him to enjoy their day together. The first 2 weeks, he tried all sorts of ploys and excuses to not only gain admission back into the house, have me go along with them on their outings, and finally, to talk with me. However, knowing him so well, I was able to deflect all his attempts and made myself entirely unavailable. One of his true weaknesses is to be ignored, and unfortunately for him, I know this all too well. He did inquire as to why my attitude had changed, and I did inform him I was choosing to not be involved in his romantic ‘drama’ and left it at that. I did not argue. I simply chose to not let myself get sucked in again. He was visibly shaken, but went about his own affairs probably rationalizing I would get over it when I was ready.

This brings me to this passed Sunday; he sent me a text message Saturday evening to request his daughter be ready by 9:30 am to take her on an Easter Egg Hunt. The minute I received that text message I knew there was going to be another woman involved. I simply confirmed she would be ready on time. Sure enough, the next morning, he shows up at my door and does not ask to come in and informs me they are going Upstate. He also does not beg me to come along as he usually would. This all confirmed it was in fact another woman although I must confess I was wrong in thinking it was Joy May. Instead, it was Shamika (sp.).

Basically, they went out and came back later than he had guaranteed, but I let it slide. I was careful to not interrogate my youngest daughter when she got back although the temptation was truly hard to resist, but the last time something like this happened, it came down to her word against his. I didn’t want to do this to her again or fall into the trap of having to accompany them on all their outings in order to prevent him from using his daughter to impress his conquests. So instead, I simply chose to continue my original position and steer clear of any emotional involvement with his affairs or explosive issues. He seems to find some validation in having me at his side and then tries to charm me into being his friend and slowly tries to open the door to perhaps more in the future. Thanks, but no thanks…not again!

Eventually, my 5 year old volunteered her own interpretation of her outing with her daddy and Shamika (sp.). My initial reaction was to protect my child and call him immediately to demand to meet Shamika (sp.) in the guise of needing to gauge who was around my daughter. The more I thought about it, I realized that this was residual jealousy I was attempting to justify, and I needed to simply let it go. I know as selfish and utterly unable to make sound parental decisions as he may be, he would never allow harm to fall upon his little girl. I still do believe that our daughter does not need to be a part of his romantic life, but my principles have always differed radically from his.

I chatted with a friend regarding this matter and she advised me to confront him immediately, but again, I don’t feel that I would be acting in the best interest of my child by doing this, but merely feeding my own pride. She seemed to be very much driven by not letting him get away with it. I chose to oppose her counsel. Yes, I voluntarily let my ego take a hit, but the funny thing is that I feel better now. I feel at peace with myself.

“Where humility had formerly stood for a forced feeding on humble pie, it now begins to mean the nourishing ingredient which can give us serenity. This improved perception of humility starts another revolutionary change in our outlook. It brought a measure of humility, which we soon discovered to be a healer of pain. We began to fear pain less, and desire humility more than ever.”

It does distress me to know that eventually our daughter will resent being introduced to all these women and he will damage his relationship with her. If he cannot see that at this juncture, then that’s his own problem and I truly wish he proves me very wrong. I feel it is unfortunate that in the end, my 5 year old will hate her father unless he ceases to use his daughter as a pawn to impress these women while she’s still young enough to not realize what is really going on. Already, she sees her daddy as a bank. She only thinks of him when she wants something. I have actually counseled her to begin taking part in activities, which do not require cash, like going to the park. But, sadly, if he continues to refuse to get off the phone in order to solicit ‘tail’ and starts spending quality time nurturing his relationship with the person, who should really matter, he will pay for it dearly in the end and even sadder, so will she.

I promised myself I will not reveal what I know to him and I will refrain from any potential confrontations, which could result in me losing my temper and calling Shamika (sp.) in front of him. Yes, I still have her phone number from when I first found out about his cheating back in July. I am also refraining from visiting his social networking page to even satisfy my curiosity as to what Shamika (sp.) may look like. Basically, I hold in my hand the power to corner him and flaunt his real naked self, which he desperately tries to hide from the rest of the world, in front of this woman. Yes, it would feel good to take revenge and attack his very weakest point and particularly if I manage to catch him by surprise, but honestly, it’s just not that important to me anymore. I am consciously choosing to take the high road and simply continue to move on, and live my life in peace. This is my epiphany. I have found true serenity through humility.

I found a saying and it’s funny that it came from the creed of the 12 Step Program, but I found it to be so applicable and so full of wisdom:

“Only by discussing ourselves, holding back nothing, only by being willing to take advice and accept direction could we set foot on the road to straight thinking, solid honesty, and genuine humility.”

This is WHY I share my story with you. You are helping me heal, and I thank you for it.

The Clash of the Titans Definitely Clashes!!!

2010-04-04T23:11:00.009-04:00

I went to see the remake of the 1981 Clash of the Titans. I would really like to say that I wasn’t sorely disappointed, but if I did, I’d be lying my ass off!

Well, let me first state that I am a huge fan of the old film. Yes, the special effects are not very special by today’s standards, but back then, they were pretty impressive. The storyline was never meant to be academy award material, but it was very entertaining, cheesy, and a romantic and action film all twisted into one very entertaining package. If nothing else, what I really appreciated about the older film was the fact that it stayed pretty loyal to the original myths. This newer version took so much artistic license that I began hearing Randy Jackson's voice in my head saying “So…yo, dog…so listen, it just wasn’t good. When you take a movie like this one with a big cult following and change it so much that you can’t recognize it, you take everything that makes it great away.” to Leterrier.

There were major problems with the plot because of all the changes. For one, the Io character, who in the myths was cursed as a heifer maiden to endlessly roam because she was another victim of Zeus’ many seductions and Hera’s ongoing jealousy, appears in the movie as a cursed demi-goddess who is sentenced to remain ageless and to apparently stalk Perseus. She becomes a guide of Perseus’ expedition to save Andromeda from the Kraken, who is now somehow governed by Hades and not by Poseidon as in the first flick. It seems that the jurisdiction of the sea trenches falls within the bowels of hell and not the bottom of the oceans…go figure! The final insult was when Perseus entirely overlooks the beautiful Andromeda, who was not as lovely by a long-shot as the Judi Bowker character, and ends up hooking up with Io. Wait! What happened to Perseus’ birth-right? Ummm…yeah, the kingdom of Argos…hello!!!

In the beginning of the remake, Perseus is cast into the sea with his mother Danaë, who does not survive the trip in the coffin. The celestial boy is found by a fisherman and immediately adopted and renamed of all things Perseus. Now, how in the hell did he come up with that name? I mean, who else besides the baby who was not old enough to talk, the person who cast him into the sea, King Acrisius himself, who was nowhere around (but in the marsh as lord and ruler), and Perseus' dead mother, Danaë knew what his given name was. But, of all the names in the entire Greek repertoire, the fisherman chose Perseus…yeah, REAL believable! Not to mention the fact that in this version, Danaë and Acrisius are married and not father and child as is depicted in the ancient stories.

I knew the movie was going to take a turn for the worse when our beloved friend, Bubo was found discarded in a bin of old military relics, and Perseus haphazardly picks him up and ask what to do with him and the Draco character, who is now replacing Burgess Meredith, dismissively tells him to simply leave that behind. He apparently also chooses to leave behind the fact that anyone in the audience has actually read Greek Mythology and would find all these changes rather insulting because too many loose ends were left untied. I realize the original Clash of Titans also took such liberties, but still managed to retain the actual message of the stories and treated them respectfully. I found this 2010 version treated the myths very irreverently. I mean, these stories have been around for centuries and were once a well established religion pre-dating Christianity. How would people feel if all of a sudden some movie mogul chose to rewrite the Bible and make Adam and Eve brother and sister (I mean technically, they were) and maybe throw in some new character for good measure, let’s say Lilith for Adam to hook up with? I mean, she was in the original story…wasn’t she? *giggles*

Other than that, I like that Leterrier showed that Pegasi do come in other colors besides the classical white. I also like the depiction of the Stygian Witches and the Gorgon was nicely done. Medusa moved quickly and accurately and not sluggishly and obviously clumsy as was the case in Davis’ interpretation. This made her that much more deadly. However, Medusa was rather ‘hot’ in the 2010 film and not a hideous creature, who could turn any man to stone by simply gazing at her. Additionally, her blood was neither deadly nor Pegasi producing. All of the monsters were visually acceptable as expected since the technology has very apparently advanced since 1981, but the gaping holes in the storyline just made this movie downright lousy. Zeus was entirely emasculated due to his love of mankind. Hades took on the role of decision maker and capricious manipulator and ultimately stole the spotlight not only from Zeus and Poseidon, but from any of the Godesses who only appeared to be eye candy. Come to think of it, every female figure in this movie was reduced to be merely decorative. At least in the 1981 rendition, Andromeda had a mind of her own and had a brain. Today’s Andromeda is not only physically emaciated, but is utterly unable to exert her royal presence to make any demand whatsoever and cannot even convince a lowly fisherman to marry her and rule her kingdom. What kind of man would turn down ruling a kingdom and marrying a princess? I know, I know….a fool!

Please understand my disappointment stems from the fact that I had waited for at least two decades for someone to take on remaking Clash of the Titans as the technology improved, but I did envision a movie closer to the original rather than what I actually witnessed today. I felt as if Bill and Ted were really the masterminds behind this one.

I was even more peeved by the fact that I actually watched it in 3-D, which was a total waste of time and the plastic used to make up the annoying glasses. I didn’t feel any better knowing that the eyewear would be recycled since it cost me an additional $4 per person to see this awful movie.

I could spend hours tearing this movie apart, but I will spare you the rest of my very biased opinions and bid you farewell confident in the fact that I have clearly stated I am no fan on this new movie.

My ISTJ Personality

2010-01-01T16:05:00.000-05:00

I fully believe in learning about yourself and what makes you tick. In doing some research I discovered I am an ISTJ. Introverted with Sensing, Thinking and Judging traits. Sounds just like me, too!

As Linda was...I am Verklempt!

2009-12-03T11:19:00.002-05:00

This is just too funny:

Life is like buttah if you are thankful for the blessings that come your way each day!

Adam Lambert Shocks at AMA's

2009-11-24T15:44:00.004-05:00

I am actually sorry I missed it this year. OK, I never watch these things, but this time around, not only did J Lo bust hers onstage:

But, Adam Lambert comes out in full swing:

Now, I am not going to come down on Adam for his performance. As far as I am concerned there was nothing wrong with the performance itself, but the fact that it was being televised live during prime time...not so good!

If he wants to do this at his own concert or even be more outlandish...more power to you. It's quite refreshing for a change to see a man objectify himself and the other males around him. But, on the other hand, there are families with young children, who watch the AMA's. I can't imagine having to explain to my 5 year-old why Adam is making out with another man or why is he dragging that blond lady all over the floor? or the other myriad of questions she would have had after watching that.

The way I see it is Adam can be Adam, and even on HIS own terms when he is performing in HIS own venue, NOT when it is being broadcasted live to everyone in the country at 8:00 pm EST.

A Good Positive Message for Women

2009-11-04T16:09:00.001-05:00

If only all women were able to read this article and embrace it *sigh*

Pat Barry is my New Hero for the Day!!!

2009-11-04T09:32:00.002-05:00

Truth be told is I never heard of Pat Barry before yesterday and for the most part, I am not a big fan of UFC. However, someone who wanted it badly and brought it is always worthy of admiration in my book. Mr. Barry was in dire straights financially, and was barely skating by before the fight. He makes no excuses that he put himself in that predicament and he was fortunate and driven enough to get himself out. He refused to go to others to bail him out in his time of need, and he prevailed...way to go, Pat!!!

My Ideal Bodily Dimensions

2009-10-29T13:40:00.004-04:00

Last night as I sweated my butt off during a set of assisted pull-ups, my personal trainer asked regarding my current bodily dimensions and what my ideal was. I confessed I wasn’t exactly sure as to my current dress size since I had not been shopping for myself in a while, but I surmised by how roomy my size 12’s were that I would be a size 8, which translates into bust size 35.5", waist 26.5"-27.5" and hips 38.5", also known as a Medium. Since we have a few more training sessions, she was trying to gauge where I stood in my weightloss journey, and how she could help me achieve the final goal. She then assumed I would want to go down to a size 6, which translates into bust size 34.5"-35", waist size 26.5"-27", his 36.5"-37", or in the spectrum of S,M, and L, a Small. I am currently a Medium and happy with it although I would like to lose some of the flabby tissue here and there not necessarily weight per se. However, I do recogznize that the fatty tissue only goes away by reducing overall body fat percentage and that means maintaining a diet and exercise routine designed to lose weight.

To be perfectly honest, I hadn’t thought about it all that much, not because I cannot picture a goal for myself, but I am not that hung up on size anymore. There was a time in life that I became so obsessed with fitness and my body size that I almost became an Anorexic. I would exercise relentlessly for about 2 hours a day for a minimum of 5 days a week. I would eat a max of 1,200 calories daily and drank gallons of water daily. I ate no meat, fat, salt, sugar, etc. As a result, I went from weighing 217 lbs to 137 lbs in a bit over 9 calendar months, but I suffered from starvation migraines, was cranky all the time, literally had wet dreams about eating chocolate cake and suffered from insomnia. I once even wet the bed since I couldn’t wake up from sheer exhaustion to void my bladder. When I was up late at night, I would restlessly get out of bed and guess what I would do? If you guessed exercised, you would be right! Lucky for me, I was able to objectively see that this behavior was not healthy. I was bordering on a compulsive drive to physically exert myself constantly, and stopped myself before it was too late.

I learned an invauable lesson from that experience about how easy it is to get caught up in a vicious cycle when you combine the striving to be fit and an unhealthy body image. I vowed I would never let myself fall into that trap again. Today, I can proudly confess I have not, but at the same time, I have taken a much slower, healthier, and loving to myself approach to weightloss. But, this new approach is somewhat personally taxing. Why? We all want the scale numbers to diminish as quickly as possible. We all want that pat on the back that only the scale can give us to validate that sense of accomplishment we long to feel when we can fit into those smaller jeans, little black dress, bathing suit, or whatever. I am not entirely immune to the fixation on being smaller; I just don’t believe it needs to be taken to an extreme. And frankly, I don’t feel the need to impress as much as I did in my younger years. It is much more important to me now to be comfortable in my own skin rather than who thinks I look good or not.

Funny thing is that last Tuesday, I stayed behind to chat with my personal trainer after my weekly Cardio Kickboxing class and another class regular; a woman roughly my same age stayed behind to also compare notes and shoot the breeze. Basically, it boiled down to this woman asking me how much weight I had lost since I joined the gym. I told her I had lost about 26 lbs in 6 months. I was taken aback by her utter disbelief and her unmasked expression of horror. She actually said: “That’s it? Only 26 pounds in 6 moths? OMG! You need to do more Cardio. That's how I did it, lots of Cardio.”

I found her response not only to be extremely rude, but very condescending. However, I chose to take the moral high ground and not tell her exactly what popped straight into my head. I try to behave myself at the gym and play nice with the other kids. So instead, I simply listened to her recommendations with a mechanical grin on my face all the time recalling the fact that the conversation had begun as she complained that she had gone to see her physician because she was suffering from recent dizzy spells. Could it be because you lost 36 lbs in 3 months? The lifestyle of someone who loses that much weight so quickly cannot be healthy. Could routinely starving yourself and running frantically on empty like a mad hamster on a wheel to nowhere cause you to feel repeatedly light-headed? Ummm…could be!

For me, it’s more about maintaining full range of motion, strength, agility, and overall vitality well into menopause and beyond. I want to be healthy, cognizant, and strong, not necessarily small. I want to be able to kick ass, not be frail. I want to ward off Osteoporosis, Dementia, hormone imbalances, Diabetes, and all the other degenerative processes we women are more prone to as we age for as long as I possibly can.

I want to be able to play with my grandkids and when I am done playing, send them home with their mothers and still have energy enough to enjoy my own time hiking a trail well past my 70’s; that is my real goal. But, how do you explain that to people when all they are fixated on is looks, reaching a size 0, and immediate results? My answer is you don’t. You let them live their lives and allow them to learn from their own experiences. And, you live your life as you see fit, and guess what? You will be much happier, self-satisfied, physically healthier, and at peace for it!

Feeling the Loss...

2009-10-23T14:00:00.000-04:00

Eversince Yahoo took over Geocities.com some time ago, they announced they were closing down all the old geocities pages. I was a bit saddened. What I didn't realize was that I would feel a bit of empty nest syndrome after the deed was done. I posted that site, not only over a decade ago, but it became a dynamic record of my engagement to my ex, my marriage, my children's growth, and my second child's birth, among other miscellaneous happenings and events in our lives. It literally became a testament of our lives together.

Today, I deleted all the files and cancelled my membership officially. The deadline is October 26, 2009, but I hate waiting until the very last minute. As I downloaded and rescued all the files that were once ftp'd to the site with such care, I experienced a myriad of nostalgic emotions ranging from glee, anger, hopefulness, and finally rage that the entire compilation was now nothing more than a collection of shattered and unfulfilled promises, memories, and dreams. Simultaneously, I feel a great sense of relief that this is yet another symbolic representation of a new stage in my life, and my children's lives as well. Change is never easy. It is downright scary, and it's even more difficult to let go of a past that once seemed so set and secure. But, I do see that closing this chapter will only open up new unwritten pages in our destinies!

Narcissism - The Broken Suit of Armor

2009-10-12T16:19:00.009-04:00

Over this past weekend, I experienced a range of emotions I had not even thought about in a long while. Well, eversince the ex left the house. Let me first say that just recently, my life has returned back to normal; my finances are finally leveling out, my house is clean from top to bottom, my children are calm and happy, all my bills are up to date, and the children and myself included, have the things (boots, coats, uniforms, school supplies, play cothes, etc.) we need to make it through the oncoming winter…thank goodness for the Columbus Day sales!

The thing is that up to now, my life has been very stress-less, something I am very proud of. There are no more piles of dirty laundry in the walkways of the livingroom or piles of random crap in the kitchen. There is no more clutter around our home and the house actually smells and looks nice. As far as life, the only time I now experience any form of stress is on Sundays when the ex comes to visit with the children. This is mostly because I do not speak to him directly anymore. I communicate with him strictly by text messages, some random and scarce emails, and the voicemails he insists on leaving me on my cell or work phone. I do not engage in any type of conversations with him. I do not give him the opportunity to berate, insult, charm, or fool me anymore. I simply have tuned him out of and dismissed him from my everyday life. I suppose it was only suitable that I returned the favor…don’t you think?

He finally agreed to signing an agreement that binds him to a set amount of child support and visitation times. And, if you know anything about a Narcissist, you would know that they do not like to be held accountable for anything; leaving a paper trail is a big no no! So as you can imagine, getting him to desist and put his signature on any paper outlining rules and boundaries is no small feat. Yes, I had to force his hand by playing dirty at times, but the ends justified the means in this instance. Now, my children know when to expect him and I know how much I can expect from him. There is no reason for us to tear each other apart fighting for one moot point after another. Everything is now settled and written in obligatory black and white.

Yet, this particular weekend, he arrived in the car he swore had been repossesed due to his filing for bankruptcy. I take it that the courts were not as full of pity as he had conjectured if he even went at all. He is proud of his well developed and constantly nurtured ability to deceive. I am certain that me pointing out the legal implication of him strapping both girls to the front seat of his work van did not fare well in his book, either. But I digress, my outrage this weekend escalated when he shows up at my door on Sunday morning at 10:00 am without calling or letting any of us know the time he’d be arriving. Of course, the children were not ready. We were in the middle of making chocolate pancakes for breakfast. A morning treat the kids were very excited about. He then offered to buy us breakfast as if I were to be overjoyed to simply drop everything and run out the door with him to chow down on this complimentary fare he had promised. So instead, he had to wait for 2 hours until the kids finished eating and dressing…oh well!

But, before he left to wait for the girls since I do not allow him to enter my home anymore, he began telling me how he NEEDED to talk to me and how much he missed my council. He went on to emphasize how I was the ONLY person who could ever understand what HE was going through. I wasn’t exactly sure when or even why all of a sudden, I had become his own personal consigliere. Sure, I more than likely know him better than anyone else, but even I feel I never really knew him at all. If I had, I would’ve run for the hills years ago instead of letting myself be deceived and betrayed in every possible form that a husband can betray and disrespect a wife. And if you know anything about a person with NPD, then you know why I chose the word consigliere instead of close friend, confidante, or even life coach.

His cockyness knows no bounds. After he tossed his plight into the open air as if it were some majestically lovely, vulnerable, and noble, yet peaceful bird, he held the door open for me and waited for me to step out onto the porch in my robe with my hair in an utter first thing in the morning mess as if his invitation could only be totally irresistible to someone like me. I don’t think it ever crossed his mind that I would be outraged and repulsed, as I was, by this request. It was as if you could almost see the barrage of Narcisstic Injury literally being hurled at him as each word hit its target and wounded him more deeply than its predecessor. And finally, his inability to defend himself, much like an Opposum plays dead when it is cornered.

He was visibly shaken by my words of rejection, which only served to painfully and coldly point out how HE had created the situation we were currently in, and that having no direct personal contact between us was indeed for the best for everyone. Instead of raging, he chose denial, and refused to accept the word no for a final answer, he ended the brief interaction by stating we could always talk when he returned the girls later on in the evening, and how I should think about it. This was followed of course, by the guilt entrapment line of “if it were you that was in need, I would be there for you!” which is a total fabrication. Let’s backtrack a bit: where was he the evening of our 10th Anniversary as I countlessly called him on the cell and he simply ignored my calls? Where was he on my 40th birthday and whatever happened to that birthday present that NEVER materialized? Where was he every night before that when he wasn’t sleeping peacefully right next to me in our bed? Oh yes, I remember now - screwing some old gullible fart in Poughkeepsie!!!!

To some degree I suppose I may be bitter, but I am fully entitled to be…thank you. I am not angry or despondent to anyone else but him. Yes, I am sure one day I will forgive him. It is only logical that I have to let go of past hurts to repress to some degree what has been done to me from my every day life. I cannot forget because I will need this experience repeatedly to fend off anyone else cloaked in this abrassively damaged and very fantastic fallacy of an armor from my soft inner core. One day all of this will not matter, but for now, the wounds are still fresh. I still cannot stand the sight of him. After spending a decade with someone whom you loved unconditionally, but did not love you back, you can’t be expected to just get over it in a quarter of a year. I see this now and I am content with this. I will heal when I heal. I am not on his timeline anymore. I am on mine and when I feel ready, I will move on!

In closing, I will state I found a blog which describes having a friendship with a Narcissist. It is written in laymen’s terms and is very easy to understand and read. It definitely is worth checking out.

P!nk Rocked the Garden Last Night!!!

2009-10-06T11:02:00.015-04:00

as part of the 2009 Funhouse tour:

Besides it being a spectacular show, it was refreshing to see how much she interacted with her fans, collecting flowers, trinkets, and signing body parts in between singing, dancing, and trapeze flying in freakishly high stilettos. I tell you she truly impressed ME merely with her extremely demanding physical feats and the spinning around tied to a rope so fast while performing air acrobatics. She was making me want to hurl just watching her. She has an awesome body and personality to boot!

My favorite song she sang last night was:

Dear Mr. President

It's hard to believe that they booed this song in VA? I wonder why? lol

The Gigoho’, or Himbo Psychology

2009-09-25T14:43:00.012-04:00

Yesterday, I was on the bus and spotted not only one, but two Himbos. They are usually rather rare in my neck of the woods. Wow, and in one day!

The funny thing is, their unimistakable trademark over the top revealing or way too tight clothing, overpowering cologne, mirrored sunglasses, fresh haircut, and posing, is wasted on me for 2 reasons:

1) My ex turned me off Himbos for life since he basically transformed into one and it was NOT pretty, believe me. They may be fun to look at for a single moment in time, but do you really want to hang out with someone that is entirely self-absorbed?

2) Since I saw what’s behind the curtain already with the ex, I find the Himbo in general to be more pathetic than anything else. I don’t view them as the epitome of masculinity and sexiness, but as insecure men desperately crying out to be noticed.

These, to me, do not add up to attractive traits. I can’t imagine trying to have a meaningful conversation with one. Then, again, I suppose the question is WHY would you even want to have a real conversation with one? They seem to be intent in asserting they are only good for one thing.

My favorite Himbo pose is the classic:

Which of course, can be faked by pretending to be chatting on a cell phone
(if you notice the absence of underarm hair or it's been thinned to be undetectable, you've got yourself a himbo)

And if he’s really bold, as my ex was, he will go for ANY excuse to lift his shirt (to show off his abs):

This is the male equivalent to the female's hiking up of the skirt to show off their legs or a little thigh

This is the I am just standing here minding my business, but I SWEAR I am NOT flexing pose

(Really believable, isn't it?)

The second Himbo I spotted yesterday was standing in front of me while riding the bus. He had the typical tight tank top, shorts, flip flops, and sunglasses. Of course, the routine Himbo MO is to make eye contact and engage the woman’s gaze so he can get his immediate high off of the unspoken invitation and the woman’s acceptance by continuiing to admire him. I simply refused to look at him at all. Thankfully, we, women, are blessed with uncanny peripheral vision. I could see him very well the entire time, but continued to look past him. I could tell he was shifting himself to position his body directly in front of me so I HAD to look straight at him, but it was then, I hit him with the yawn and closed my eyes pretending to go to sleep. I refused to give into the ‘eye game’ with him. Sorry, but that Himbo was not getting his fix off of me!

It’s funny because the worse thing you can do to a Himbo is NOT notice him. It's the same for women who become dependent on exploiting their looks. They can't understand when a man won't look at them in a sexually suggestive manner. And to really freak a Bimbo out, heaven's forbid if the man doesn't notice her at all. Remember, the Himbo thrives on female attention so when you simply don’t acknowledge his presence, it throws him off kilter momentarily, but usually only for a second or two because there will always be another woman passing by that WILL give in to his seductive peep.

What Type of Woman Do You Want to Be?

2009-09-25T13:37:00.006-04:00

In a random miscellaneous and time eating web search, I came across some comments written about Jillian Michaels, one of the trainers on the TV show The Biggest Loser. What I found really interesting was the fact that most of the men commenting on her appearance, posted negative comments questioning her femininity and gender. Now, let me state upfront, I have never watched one episode of this show in its entirety and have not bought any of Ms. Michaels’ workout DVD’s, T-shirts, or books…so my knowledge of her is rather limited to the spam emails I get fairly consistently in my inbox advertising her products and the research prompted by this post. These marketing emails show several images of her, and as a woman, I have never thought to question her sex. It has also never ocurred to me to see her as anything else than a fit looking woman. Then, again, I am into fitness and women’s empowerment 100%. I also feel that it is unnatural and denigrating to expect women to look and behave like porn stars and strippers as a rule of thumb. Someone with a 24” waist will never have a DD rack naturally…just doesn’t happen that way! And guess what? This IS a good thing.

But yet, men are naive enough to buy into this fake look. It’s the distortion of reality that can only be achieved by watching way too much porn. But, this is what is meant to happen. I mean, why is it that the porn industry has been around for so long and WHY do they make so much money? They bank on the fact that men are easy to manipulate visually. The sad part is that this wide net has also managed to convince women that the porn star look is the ideal standard of sexiness. Then, we have the fashion industry drilling into us that we have to be a size 0 or we are just overweight unattractive heffers that don’t deserve the priviledge to breathe, much less to *gasp* wear designer clothing.

I know women do not live in a fishbowl and that they are exposed to, surrounded, and influenced by men and their opinions every single day, but at some point, we need to take charge of our own self-image. What type of woman do YOU want to be? Does the current YOU not fit the bill of what you consider an adequate female representation? Does IMAGE and appearance really matter this much to you?

I only pose these questions because I am not so invested in what others think of me as a person or as a woman in general…then again, I am 40 and wanting to please others all the time has not been a goal for me since I came out of my 20’s. As a grown woman, I want to be fit and healthy of mind and body. If this means, that I make some men feel inadequate because they cannot own up to their own insecurities…so be it. If it makes other women think I am gay…so be it. The truth of the matter is that not everyone is going to like me and no matter what I do, that will not change. The only person that needs to like me is ME!

As far as Jillian Michaels is concerned, I don’t find her to be the most attractive woman in the world face-wise, but then again, I doubt that this is what she’s going for anyways. She obviously has the money to get every part of her body done if she chose to. I do admire her ongoing efforts in motivating others to lose weight and keeping it off; that alone is enough for me to view her as pretty awesome. That she has a killer bod…more awesomeness points in my book. And that she can kick ass because she actually has a solid background in mixed martial arts…sky-rockets her awesomeness even more!

No offense, if you don’t find her attractive, so what? It’s not like she’s going to drop dead tomorrow from your hurtful comments or stop making money because you think she’s not frail and submissive enough for your taste. The fact is many other men and women do find her extremely attractive and want to emulate and believe in her methods.

Now for the women, I have another question: would you rather look this like this?

Or like this?

Think about the messages regarding women’s sexuality, sense of worth and value, and the current and historic role of women that these images and the ones below them promote. Are they pushing for women to be viewed as smart, strong and healthy, and independent? Or are they advocating that women are only as good as what is between their legs and how much saline or silicone the surgeon has pumped into their implants?

Fit and natural

Not so natural. And while we're at it, will she be riding the bike or preparing for a vaginal exam?

If you prefer, muscular, sexy and packin' implants!

or, please help me get this bottom off because I can't figure it out all by myself...tee hee!

Let’s wake up ladies. Do we really want to be valued exclusively for being sexual objects? It’s not like it takes a whole lot to be able to have sex – newsflash: women have been doing it for thousands of years and yeah, even the ugly and fat ones can do it, too. So why should that be the ultimate measure of our female sense of self-worth?

As far as the men, I don’t believe the fashion industry is doing you guys any favors either:

Case in point!

I don’t want an overly waxed pre-pubescent looking man-child or a man who looks as if he spent way too much time in front of the mirror to impress me. What does that say about HIS own self-esteem? The same way that men don’t find women with self-esteem issues attractive, we don’t find men with these same issues attractive, either. For me personally, I would rather bag yummy Hugh Jackman:

or Eugene Cussons

any day over that new Armani Exchange model:

Maybe if I was a gay male and was looking to go on a cruise to Greece and kick that skinny bitch off the side of the boat? Sure!

__________________________________________

I found an interesting article entitled Athletic Aesthetic, which despite some blatant type-o's and an urgent cry for a final proofreading, sheds a lot of wisdom regarding the attitudes toward the constantly evolving standards of beauty.

Survival of the Fittest

2009-09-23T11:15:00.001-04:00

I stumbled across this commercial for a yogurt drink named Yop distributed by Yoplait in the UK:

I love the way that the pre-historic man is running with the loaf of white bread and a bottle of soda in his hand...too funny!

Why Victims Need to Tell & Keep Telling

2009-09-22T13:38:00.019-04:00

While doing a search on my self, which is good to do every now and again, I came across a Technorati search group featuring Internet Bullies, Cyberstalkers, and Cyberpaths. I noticed this blog, Over a Slice of Cheesecake..., was listed on it and my curiosity was piqued so I began perusing the site. I came across a post, which struck a chord with me entitled Why Victims Need to Tell & Keep Telling. I then went on to read the introductory paragraph:

"On behalf of all survivors, let me just say this: if we could “just get over it”, we would. If we could snap our fingers and instantly make ourselves whole and healthy once again, we would do it. If we could wake up one morning, and find ourselves completely healed of our abuse, and completely free of the harmful effects the abuse had wrought on our lives, we’d do it. If there was a magic pill to take, or a certain food we could eat, or a spell we could cast, or a prayer we could say which would make it all go away instantly, I can’t imagine any survivor who wouldn’t at least try it once."

Unknown Author

This passage made me think of the phone call I received a few weeks ago, when my Mother-in-Law called me several times in a row. I was in the middle of my early evening commute. By the time I got off the bus and answered the phone, she was irate and yelling so loudly at the top of her lungs that her voice was cracking. She was calling me in order to bully me into removing the blog entry about her son. Honestly, since I did not want the additional hassle and drama in my life and since my 5 year-old was still in her house while the calls were being made, and since my same daughter stil had not been driven home yet, I relented.

I must confess I felt an unspoken pressure implying that if the post was not removed immediately, my daughter would not be returned. Maybe, it was my imagination, but it was VERY coincidental that she was usually escorted home in the early afternoon and it was now after 7:00 pm, and there was no word about her return; only this enraged woman on the other end of my cell phone commanding me to march into my house right now, turn on my computer and remove the post or else. Yes, I conceded, reluctantly, because every word in that post was true. Yes, there were a few sprinklings of my own opinion, such as my own diagnosis that my ex suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder, but come on, if you've followed my posts, wouldn't you agree? Here are the distinguishing characteristics according to the Mayo Clinic. In fact, he read some of the characteristics himself and conceded that he may be suffering from the disorder and willingly coined himself a Narcissist. I am not certain he was able to tell that this was a personality disorder rather than a badge of honor, but that was his interpretation.

The most disturbing part was not only was this woman calling to belittle, demand and threaten me that she had similar 'dirt' on me as well (stating she had pictures of my home when it was dirty), but that she was attempting to force me into a confrontation in front of my daughter's school the very next morning. Even after I implicitly expressed that I did not want to talk or see her with a lacing of profanity due to the urgency of the matter. In most states' law books, the several serial calls would be considered harrassment since they were not calls made to convey information rather than to insult, berate, and solicit a negative response from me, and to eventually intimidate me into removing the blog entry. And, the confrontation itself had the potential of an assault if I sensed any danger from her.

Moral of the story, I will need to revise the entry and repost it. I have a really hard time with the fact that the victim is being victimized further into submissive and complacent silence. Come on, we all know the way this works, the abuser gets away with it, the victim suffers in silence, and eventually the abuser abuses another victim in the future. Guess what? This also applies to abusers that cheat...plain and simple.

Personally, I also don't like being bullied into submission when I know I am fully in the right. I did not violate any laws, and in case you did not know it, the best defense for any alleged slander or defamation is the truth. Everything I wrote was true, and furthermore, I am entitled to my own opinion and even to express it if I choose to. I belive that is a civil liberty guaranteed in what's that document called again? Oh yes, The Constitution!

An Expensive but Valuable Lesson

2009-09-21T16:25:00.006-04:00

ABC News has a video on their site entitled Shriking Wallets, Not Waistlines warning the public regarding bogus diet pill studies. Oh, you know the one; take one of these pills daily they send you in the mail and the pounds will magically melt away. The site in question is based out of a Denver apartment complex and has a PO Box as the main point of contact. The participants are then asked to fork over hundreds of dollars up front to be admitted into the study and then they are mailed an initial supply of pills. Of course, they guarantee you will be paid for your participation, but later on. YOUR money needs to be collected first. And no one picked up on the fact that this might be a scam? If anyone is interested I have a friend in Nigeria looking to come home. He is just a dream and has temporarily relocated there for his job. Of course, he will automatically fall in love with you as soon as you send him your picture. All he needs is a few hundred dollars for the plane fare, or if you want to give me your bank account number so I can get the money for him, that's even better...doesn't this sound bogus, people? Do you know why? BECAUSE IT IS!!!

The sad part is that this diet scam preys on the people, who so desperately seek the 'holy grail of dieting and fitness', the quick fix, also known as the magic cure. Unfortunately, there is no secret to weightloss that will not require hard work through physical activity and monitoring and controlling what you eat. It's actually very simple, no mirrors, no smoke, no gimmicks; just YOU moving your behind off of the couch and starting an exercise program you enjoy and will stick with, and YOU eating less crap every single day...that's it!

And what will be your motivator...guess what? YOU again! No one is going to come to your house and make you exercise, no alarm is going to go off each time you open the fridge and reach for the ice cream instead of the fruit, no diet police is going to pop out of the bushes and make you drink water instead of soda. It's all on YOU. If YOU really want to lose weight for whatever reason (health, vanity, longevity, because you want to be more active, etc.), you will take responsibility for your current bad habits and change them into ones that promote health and fitness. It really IS that simple.

Of course, you should always consult with your doctor prior to starting to drastically change anything in your diet or current level of activity. Only a medical professional can adequately assess not only your current levels and general health, but whether it is safe for you to engage in certain activities, and if any pre-existing medical conditions should be factored in to your plan. The important this is simply getting started and keeping at it!

Hey, Bimbos Need to Workout, too!

2009-09-18T17:05:00.009-04:00

I am disappointed in Women's Health Magazine for sending me an email entitled 8 Awesome Gym Motivators. Why? Well, as I read it, I could not believe they actually posted the following comment under the 2nd slide on the link:

2. To Feel Sexy
"I started pole-dancing to escape conventional forms of exercise. Not only did it make me feel sexier, my entire body firmed up after a few weeks! Try doing it in 6 inch heels like the pros & that'll really get your workout going. :)"

Umm...ok! So everyone else that was featured wrote about health improvements and/or holistic health. But to the reader who posted the above reference, the main priority is that it's cool to squeeze your feet into stilettos, which of course makes for great workout shoes since they are so incredibly ergonomic and healthy for your feet so we can aspire to act like strippers so men can justifiably gawk at us. God forbid if the 'FAT heffers' got themselves some self-confidence! Let me guess, we should also wear sports bras as tops, booty shorts, and thongs to the gym all the time.

Hey, don't get me wrong...everyone is entitled to their opinion and if that's her thing, more power to her, but for the magazine to print this as one of the awesome motivators is insulting to us women, who take their workout seriously, and don't seek to improve our bodies merely for the guys to check us out at the gym!

Then, why not buy the Flirty Girl workout thing. Hey, it even comes with a "hooka' pole" if you want it. Imagine how impressed your date will be when he comes over and sees that your home looks like a Titty Bar, too!

And what's even better is if you don't do this for yourself...oh no, do it for your man. Let's face it if you are going to objectify yourself, you need to do it exclusively for a man's enjoyment, of course ;) And while you're at it, why not get the pink boxing gloves they advertise on their intro page because you will look REALLY INTIMIDATING and as if you can kick ass in a pair of "OMG! so adorable pink boxing gloves".

I just LOVE this testimonial from their site:

I've bought all new clothes! I went from a size 18 to 14 in just two months - and now I'm back down to my size 8 and 10s! It's once again fun to shop for clothes

"When you're doing the Flirty Girl Fitness workouts, not only are you working off the pounds, but you're also feeling a lot sexier doing it. It's not all about the outside; Flirty Girl Fitness also makes you feel different on the inside! It makes you feel sexy! It's so empowering to own your own femininity and to feel sexy again. You're never too old to be sexy, all you have to do is unlock it, release it and let it happen!"

Ummm...so you can't feel sexy if you improve your body in any other way than swinging from a stripper pole and setting true women's empowerment back an entire century? Give me a break! This just ties into this whole 'I am going to act and dress like I am always ready and available for sex because it empowers me as a woman' crap that gullible and very impressionable young women today are being conditioned to buy into.

Now, what is the excuse for the olders ladies, who you would think would know better, right? Well for one, it is painfully obvious that with age does not necessarily yield maturity. Secondly, low self-esteem, a set of inefficiently defined low-standards and expectations, along with being emotionally immature does not constitute an empowered, rational, and/or intelligently discerning woman...simply a bunch of desperate women who can't face life alone and will stop at nothing to get themselves ANY man despite the emotional, physical, psychological, and sometimes even financial cost. And, while we're at it - let's be perfectly candid...does it really matter what type of man he is as long as he manages to be there and has a penis?

Ok, moving on - Reebok and Cirque Du Soleil came up with the Jukari workout, which looks like a lot of fun, a great challenge. And guess what? Reebok has people that are actually professionals in the business with those little cute certifications that make them qualifited to design their workout routines and by 'the business', I don't mean the adult entertainment business, but the actual fitness industry.

They even pay attention to the safety of the people buying their products and not merely if they can effectively emulate exotic dancers with rotator cuff injuries. And wow, you can even do it without having to pick at the wedgie crawling up your butt from your sweaty booty shorts, and you don't have to constantly worry about your boobs falling out of your sports bra which is now doubling as a top...AMAZING!

They even have gyms and schools that teach aerial acrobatics:

OMG! Will wonders never cease? A good workout and you actually get to keep your self respect!

Una Excerta

2009-09-15T17:24:00.002-04:00

…ser pasión y algunas veces humana.
Muy fría y desligada de lo material.
En “travel” con lo aureo, casi en otra dimensión.

Hablo a solas con mi alma y me elevo sin saberlo
dando rienda a los fantasmas del ayer.

A veces me siento triste y me divierte el recuerdo
buscando siempre un fantasma que jamás encontraré.

Y así soy extraña y soñadora
con un libro bajo el brazo, que es mi amante y mi ilusión;
caminando siempre sola, pués no tengo que decir.

Lourdes Catalina Pagán Montás 7/29/1996

Jacobo, mi viejo amigo

2009-09-15T16:52:00.007-04:00

Déjame decirte amigo las cosas que en hoy más siento, que te diga, viejo; pués eso fue en el ayer. !Oh, Jacobo! Ahora veo en la distancia de mi alma regresando a viejos tiempos, cuando íbamos en mi nave por las called de ___________ en el viejo Malecón.

Cuando tejiendo quimeras; recuerdo que me decías: “No te juntes con los viejos, pués se te retarda el paso y no late el corazón!” y yo me reía ufana de tu candor e inocencia, pués me sentía en experiencia en las cosas de mujer. Quiero dialogar contigo. ¿Jacobo dónde tú estás? No me importa no me respondas y ahora sigo extrañando pués no me gusta el presente y me escapo hacia el ayer.

Recorríamos los caminos con las alas desbocadas de los 19 años. Admiraba la rebelde mirada de tus limpios ojos turcos…y no te amaba; por eso fue tan bello todo lo que compartimos. Y yo sentía que tú no me amabas, que éramos camaradas en la carrera hermosa de nuestra juventud.

Lourdes Catalina Pagán Montás (1981)

Ayer

2009-09-15T15:44:00.001-04:00

Con mis libros, mis recuerdos
soy una mujer feliz:
teniendo pocos amigos pués no tengo que decir.
Y me refugio en mi album,
y vuelo con las páginas amadas de mis autores queridos.
Ellos son mis preferidos cuando me siento en la nada
y el espíritu se ausenta
y no me cambio por nada.
Pués me gusta ser así

Lourdes Catalina Pagán Montás

Sorry to See You Go, Miss Vida Boheme!

2009-09-15T15:11:00.001-04:00

To me, this will always be Patrick's greatest performance:

We will miss you and ALL your fabulousness, girl!

One Old Poem

2009-09-15T11:38:00.002-04:00

I found some poems in an old box with a sorted bunch of miscellaneous papers that were retrieved from my mother's apartment when she passed away. I have decided to put them up here 'as is'. For those of you, who can read spanish, please check them out:

Que no sabes niña hermosa de las cosas del querer
son cosas inexplicables, no las quieras resolver.

Te cuestionas ignorando lo que sientes en la piel.
Esas son cosas de amores, no te preguntes por qué?

Y dime como he sabido: es que yo también he sido
víctima de una gran pasión y he volado en un suspiro
hasta afrontar la verdad.

Lourdes Catalina Pagán Montás

Who Am I?

2009-09-05T22:43:00.006-04:00

In discovering that the old cliche that loving oneself indeed is the greatest love of all (Yes, like the song!), I have outlined my list of the characteristics that make ME up, attempting to accept the good and the bad in hopes to eventually do the same with everyone else around me:

- I am a 40 year old very attractive woman, who doesn't look a day over 35 ;)

- I am funny, smart, and compassionate.

- I am observant, inquisitive, and orderly. Yes, I like structure and I don't like to not have a plan.

- I am mildly compulsive about achieving perfection in the things I do. But, this means I don't give up easily and I am very goal-driven.

- I am fun, easy-going, and analytical (not sure if all those go together, but this is MY list...so there :P)

- I am a good writer.

- I am athletically versatile.

- I am a good kisser, and a giving lover.

- I am independent and like to speak my mind. I feel stifled around people who I cannot express my emotions or thoughts around.

- I am direct and honest. I don't like to play games with people's minds or feelings.

- I am faithful and a good friend.

- I am sometimes judgmental, but only when I believe a better and more obvious solution is being overlooked.

- I am patient, forgiving, and open. However, when I feel I need to protect myself, I will retreat into myself and protect my emotions vehemently. I don't forget transgressions right away and sometimes tend to hold onto grudges.

- I am not easy to anger, but I am moody and quirky at times.

- I am ambitious and tend to get wrapped up in overachieving with the right motivation.

- I am proud of myself for finishing college, having 2 beautiful daughters, letting my ex go completely, and for being able to stand on my own 2 feet for the first time in life ever, and for having lost over 20 lbs when most people my age tend to gain weight.

- I am a good leader and a fair boss. I seek to find the qualities in my people that show they can excel and enable them to put them to good use so they can demonstrate and discover their full potential.

- I am a caring single mother struggling to not mess up my kids.

- I am a good person with good intentions. I try to live my life following the principle that I strive to treat others as I would like for them to treat me. Sometimes, this is not easy and I recognize this, but I try to take the road less traveled, and do the right thing because I believe that whatever energy I send out into the cosmic universe will somehow find its way back to me.

- Just as anyone else, I posses negative traits (impatience, selfishness, self-doubt, confusion, ego, and bewilderment at how to deal with life situations). I don't have all the answers and I never will. All I can do is do the best I can, and when I do make mistakes, try to learn from them and not repeat them in the same fashion without being able to analyze them and seek ways to correct where I went wrong.

And finally,

- I am a product of my mother's aspirations and upbringing. I hope wherever she is, I have managed to make her proud!

I found this online Buddhist booklet outlining the acceptance of the self. It was very informative to say the least. It states that one needs to accept and love every aspect of one's own self before you can accept and love the same aspects in everyone else. We must think of ourselves as mothers to our own selves. We are raising and teaching ourselves to be the best we can possibly can be. I really like this idea because it stresses taking responsibility for your own actions and feelings, and not to seek happiness and self-fulfillment through another or other people's actions.

All the Men I've Loved Before

2009-09-03T23:40:00.077-04:00

I think every girl should have a list. Why? Because the reality is you forget them over time. Of course, you remember the ones that were special in your life, but not the ones that just made the time pass. Sometimes, even the booty calls can escape your memory and as hard as you try, you may envision the face, but what was his name?

What about songs that reminded you of that special person?

OK, here's my list:

Eddie J.

My first love and the guy I decided to give my virginity to. Dated him from 14 to 16ish. He was very distant and aloof, and I couldn't handle it. I wanted for him to be as devoted to me as I was towards him, and that just never happened. I had to force myself to create a permanent ongoing distance from him.

Song - Gentle (calling out your name) by Frederick

Eric Del V.

Fellow Cancer, dated him for a couple of years. He was 21; I was 16. Although I was really into him, I did not understand how to have a relationship and he had already been married and had a child. We were just in 2 very different places in life. I felt so overwhelmed by his expectation of a maturity from me I simply did not possess. In the end, he got back with his wife when she came up to visit. I was the last to know. I unsuspectingly called him on the phone and got a nasty surprise so I said good bye then and there. I never saw or spoke to him again.

Years later, during Desert Storm, he wrote me several times since he had re-enlisted in the army. I never bothered to write back. He eventually went back to his son and wife again.

David O.

Not exactly sure what I saw in him other than the fact that he was a constant booty call. He was tall, skinny...so not my type. He had low self-esteem and was really into drugs. Oh yeah, he always had drugs...lol. I was 17 at the time.

Peter F.

Had my oldest daughter with this guy at the age of 19. We were together for 3 years. He was mentally, physically, and verbally abusive. He cheated on me. I found out and took all his belongings and dumped them at the other chick's place. Boy, was she surprised and he was really pissed. That was the end of that.
Song - If I Could Turn Back Time by Cher

Ray (something or other)

Booty call for a couple of months. He moved to Brooklyn and I lost contact with him. It wasn't a big loss anyways.

Luis P.

I was 21. He was 18. My mom forced us to get married since she found out we were having sex *gasp*. We lasted together for 18 months. He lost his job at the gym where I met him and basically became a bum. I had to work and go to night college while he was out hangin' with the fellas. He was a trainer and instructor and had a rock-hard gorgeous body when I met him. He was also great in bed. I discovered the wonderful world of orgasms with him. I think that's why the relationship lasted as long as it did despite his many many faults.

Antonio G.
I pined for this guy for like 2 years, crushing on him madly. We worked together at a community college in Queens. He was the EMT on-site and I was so hot for this guy for the longest, but he always kept me at arm's length. At first, I thought it was because I was too heavy and he didn't dig pudgy chicks. Then, I lost a bunch of weight and found out, no, it was because his penis was the size of my pinky. I guess he needed to feel someone would accept him and his member and not totally dig into him. Yeah, I am sorry to say I wasn't the one.

Yes, on one hand it was terribly disappointing, but on the other hand, since the curiosity and sexual tension had built up so high, my expectations were soaring. The fantasy was MUCH better than the reality and so I broke out into an uncontrollable fit of laughter during the act. Needless to say that did not end well.

Song - Tú y Yo by Luis Miguel

Gerardo S.

This was the beginning of the 'black period' in my life during my mid 20's. I really would rather not admit I slept with this guy...let's just sweep him under the rug.

Willy T.

Another winner on the sweep under the rug sweepstakes. My best friend and roommate at the time pushed him on me, and I somehow ended up stuck with him. There was no attraction whatsoever. He was very much overweight and quite frankly a jerk, but he took me to nice places. This was the time when I discovered the 'pity f*ck'.

After a few months of putting up with him, he cheated on me with an ex on his birthday. That was exactly the excuse I needed to dump him fast and never look back.

Max B.

Booty call. Met him on a cruise. He worked for Cunard cruise lines with one of my cousins. We were playing around for about 6 months or so. I found out he was engaged and ended it.

Luis H.

He was the first guy I dared to just walk right up to and hand him my number. I just didn't know he was married. I started out with the best of intentions to just be 'friends' with him, but he was so fine! He turned me on in ways I hadn't experienced before. Somehow, we ended up having this weird friendship/relationship for 18 months. I genuinely fell head over heels over this man, but I never told him because I knew his situation. I also knew he wasn't going to leave his wife.

This was one of the most difficult things I have ever done in my life. Loving a man so deeply who you can never have is not something any woman should set herself up for. It was a life altering heartbreak when he ended it because his wife was expecting. He wanted to change his ways. I couldn't be more proud of him, but I hated him for distancing himself from me. They eventually had twins.

A couple of years later, we kept in contact and hanging out with him one night cost me the relationship with the next guy on my list. For a long time, I never forgot him. I even wrote a short story about him a few years ago. I always thought about him now and again, until I went through my own issue with infidelity in my now defunct marriage, and I realized how foolish this truly was.

Song - Is it a Crime by Sade

Richard T.

He messaged me on IRC and we went out the same night. We ended up in a relationship for 2 years. He was planning to propose to me when I went to visit Luis H. to ask for advice about the current relationship. I stupidly wrote about it in my diary. Even though Luis H. and I had no physical contact during my visit to his place, Richard T. read about it and freaked out! He was a really nice guy, but VERY high strung.

Anyways, felt bad about it all these years and being on the receiving end, where he had been (being 'perceptively' cheated on), I wrote him an apology. I felt the mistake of being involved with Luis H. had come full circle and it was time to pay the piper and put it to rest once and for all.

Song - I Love You Always Forever by Donna Lewis

Samir Q.

He was a foreign student from Morocco. Met him at a club. We ended up together for 2 months. I took him to an S&M club with a guy friend of mine at the time and he freaked! He was Muslim. I was not. It never would have worked anyways unless I was willing to convert. I was not. He also was totally inexperienced at cunnilingus and I wasn't looking to train someone how to go downtown. So he had to go!

Atif (something or other)

We never slept together. Whatever this was lasted for like a month. I even forget how exactly it ended. Oh yeah, he was Muslim, too.

Thomas P.

My current ex. I was with this person for almost 11 years and had my youngest daughter with him. I loved him at times more than I loved myself, and in the end, he cheated on me repeatedly with a whole string of women. I really tried to make things work even after I found out about the 2nd affair. I learned I could forgive more than I ever thought I could. However, ultimately, he decided he wanted his freedom and that pretty much brings us to the present.

Song - Kiss Me by Sixpence None the Richer (pre-breakup)

Song - Now and Forever by Carole King (post breakup - mourning the loss)

Song - Someone that I Used to Love by Natalie Cole (post breakup - accepting the loss)

There were a few others sprinkled in between here and there....guys I kissed, guys I fondled ;), etc., but no one who made any real impact. And an honorable mention goes to Joseph C. from Holy Name School in Uptown Manhattan. I first saw him in Goddard Riverside Camp during the 6th grade. We went to different schools, but somehow managed to meet at the same camp. He was gorgeous and I found myself totally intimidated by my lack of proficiency towards the opposite sex. Yes, I was 12 and I was supposed to be geeky and awkward, but he made a real big impression on me that first time I saw him. Mainly, he left me speechless and feeling geekier and even more awkward, not to mention lovestruck all at the same time. Apparently, he had the same effect on a LOT of the other girls in the camp...so I wasn't alone. It was as if Joseph had always been beautiful and he knew it. He wasn't a total jerk, but he was fully aware there was something special about him that made the girls swoon.

My class went back home and I forgot about him until a couple of years later, when I was in the 8th grade, he turned out to go to the same school as me, and guess what? Because life is amusingly cruel, the teacher sat him right behind me in class. Karma, you are a cruel cruel bitch! I ended up buying like $80 worth of Christmas cards he was selling so I could impress him. I managed to get his phone number off of that transaction, and that lead to a lot of phone time with him, but it always remained entirely platonic. His mom and his little brother used to make fun of him and tease him that his little girlfriend was calling again. I was on cloud 9 when that happened, and he was annoyed as all hell...lol.

Anyways, he was into the popular girls who gave it up easily. Yeah, the one that today has like 8 kids from different baby daddy's. I did not fit that mold. I also wasn't as 'femininely endowed' as some of the other girls in my class. At the end of the school year and when we were graduating to go to HS, my best friend told him I had had the biggest crush on him all year long. He said he would date me only if I wore make-up. He had seen me at some school function wearing some and thought I was more pleasing to the eye with it on. That pissed me off so much that I decided to just let it alone and move on, but Karma was not finished with me just yet! He ended up spending the whole summer at his uncle's house, who was the neighborhood dry cleaners up the block from me. His uncle also just happened to live on the 6th floor of my building. My mom and his uncle and his wife were good friends. I had grown up knowing his cousins from when we were kids. So, all summer long I got to see Joseph and ignore him because I was sticking to my guns and so was he!

Song - Heartbreaker by Dionne Warwick. Of course!

Willy L.

He was a man I met during one of the previous separations I had with my current husband. I went out with him out of spite since I knew my husband had cheated once before with some nurse from Long Island named Tammy. I didn't want to be holding the bag again while he went out and had a great 'ole time. The problem was that Willy turned out to be a great guy. He was kind, patient, respectful, intelligent, and choosy. He wasn't the type to give his heart to just anyone and that made me very attracted to him, but I knew that in the end, my place was with my husband. Willy and I had a lot of very hot make out sessions, but we never went beyond that. I actually regret that now. In hindsight, I should have gone for it.

I tried reaching out to him recently and he was rather polite about it, but I didn't want to push the issue. I wasn't in the right frame of mind then and that was the impression he drew about me. I am in a very different place now, but I can't blame him for not wanting to reconnect. I am a bit disappointed, but I think better things will come my way eventually.

Song - I Want to Love Again by Natalie Cole (post breakup - mourning the loss of the relationship)

Ah baby

How do I start? Where do I begin?
I've been hurt so much. I just need a friend
Could it be you? Will you break through these walls?
Are you willing to help them fall?

Chorus:
I want to love again, but I'm afraid to
I want to trust again
But my heart says not to
Your every smile, your gentle touch makes weak
I want you so much
I want love again and this time with you

I didn't know that this would be so hard for me
Being this close to you is driving me crazy
My mind says no oh but my body says yes
You make one move and I'll do the rest

I want to love again, but I'm afraid to
I want to trust again
But my heart says not to
Your every smile, your gentle touch makes weak
I want you so much
I want to love again and this time with you

Bridge:
Oh it's been so long since I've seen your face
And I'm just trying to be strong, oh but I think about you everyday
And it makes me weak when I see your face
I guess it means I'm in a different space
Cause I wanna love again and this time with you

I want to love again but I'm afraid to
I want to trust again
But my heart says not to
Your every smile, your gentle, gentle touch makes me weak
I want you so much
I want to love again, please let me love again, I want to love again
And this time with you
I just wanna love again with you

On Hiatus

2009-09-03T15:27:00.003-04:00

In taking a step back from anything remotely resembling impressing the opposite sex, I want to get the most out of my time and seek within for answers. I want this to be a time of self-reflection and eventually enlightenment. I want to absorb everything that life has to teach and begin to rediscover who I am without being in a relationship. I think along the line, I had lost sight of this and could not reclaim myself unless I focused 100% on myself without male distractions. Anyone who has been through the dissolution of a long-term commitment knows exactly what I am referring to.

I have decided to begin keeping up more earnestly on my online projects. I once took great pleasure in maintaining them and was quite meticulous about it, but that slowly waned as my previous relationship progressed. So yes, that was one of the things I gave up for him. Well, no more!

I hope everyone enjoys the new look of the blog. I think it's quite nice and girly...me likes. Slowly, but surely I am going back to old posts and reformatting them. If you find anything that doesn't look quite right, feel free to drop me a line or comment on the post itself. I am working on it as fast as I can :)

Last but not least, I am eating my words in regards to Facebook. I have repeated with the utmost conviction on countless ocassions how I would never set up an account because I didn't want to be bothered, but you know, I have found so many old friends I had lost contact with that I am willing to admit I was quite wrong about it. OK, I admit it I can now see the appeal of it!

You Just Never Know...

2009-09-02T22:08:00.006-04:00

When I was 14, I fell madly and obsessively in love with a young man. A couple of years later, he turned out to be my first everything (kiss, sexual experience, emotional intimacy, heartbreak, etc.). He was 16 and very aloof. It was the usual teenage love thing. Girl chases boy, boy runs for the hills :)

Over the years we lost contact, but the one thing we had in common was that I was, and still am really good friends with his cousin. Tonight, I called her to catch up, and surprisingly, she said that every time she sees him, he always asks about me. I was shocked. I always thought his distance when we were kids was due to the fact that he never really took me seriously, and in the grand scheme of things, I never really meant as much to him as he once had meant to me.

I know I have stated this before, but I guess it's true; you just never realize the imprint you leave in other people's lives!

Desperate and Brainless Must be Making a Comeback

2009-08-24T15:45:00.002-04:00

I am amazed at the amount of married men online seeking physical intimacy disguised as ‘friendship’ with women outside of the marriage. Not that married men are not allowed to have female acquaintances, but there is a difference between the female friends the wife knows about, may have even met and approves of, and the ‘secret friends’ the wife can never know about. I am obviously referrring to the latter category in this post.

In my quest for new companionship, I have been propositioned by two married men so far. The thing that struck me as funny was that they were rather taken aback by my very quick and blatant refusal to let the ‘friendship’ blossom into anything further than a long introduction. This tells me that there are a LOT of women out there that would not mind this type of arrangement in the least. Since when has being desperate, brainless, and lacking in self-respect become the representation of today’s dating woman online? That is some scary stuff for the rest of us women who do have working brain cells, tons of self-respect, and instead are lacking in desperation. Let me break it down to you like this; when men who are used to dealing with nothing but the above cited type of woman, who seem to be in very much abundance these days, do approach the independent and more emotionally mature woman, they don’t know what to do with themselves. They try the same tired lines and the same ‘ole recycled game that apparently works for these women, but to a more seasoned BS detector, just comes off as transparent and sad…nice try, but it ain’t gonna work, dude!
It is just so frustrating for the rest of us ladies. What’s even sadder is in my research, I have read many posts from women my age citing that they are settling for less when it comes to relationships and just men in general as they age. Why has this trend even caught on? Why are these women being made to believe that there are not enough men out there that are sane and mature, or that men in general are not to be made to live upto any sort of standards from women, or that older women should not even expect to have their needs fulfilled at all? To me, that’s just tragic. Women who have or are willing to settle need to re-evaluate and not lose sight of the fact that they do deserve better…way better!!!

An Ode to My Love, Cardio Kickboxing

2009-08-21T14:27:00.012-04:00

Anyone who has previously read my blog, will know that I like to workout and I regularly go to the gym. Knowing that, this post goes back to the time I had first signed up at my local gym in March of 2009. Let me also state that I had been exercising at home for several months prior to that. I would not certify that I was in top physical shape then, but I could go for a 1 hr step class session without faltering prettty comfortably. Then, upon buying into the membership at my local gym, I discovered they had a cadio kickboxing class. I managed to work up the courage to show up for class about 2 weeks after my introductory fitness assessment. There I was thinking, how hard could this be?

This class demonstrated here is not exactly the same, but it's the closest representation to what we do in class on a weekly basis.

Man, was I wrong. It was hard…very very difficult. I turned beet red, had difficulty keeping up, my breathing was hard and shallow, and I suddenly realized how weak my hip and butt muscles truly were. I was panting and had to run for my water bottle to then not be able to drink fast enough in between gasping desperately for air. When I walked out of the classes studio, I felt I must have broken something deep inside my legs, some obscure muscle I didn’t even know existed until that day. The first thing I did when I got home that night was limp to the couch and straighten and raise my knee since it was killing me. I even had a hard time climbing up the steps to get through my door. Over the years, I have consistently and increasingly suffered from a very weak right knee. That night, the damned thing felt as if it was on fire and it kept pulsating to rub in the fact that I had overdone it and that knee was NOT happy.

I must be a glutton for punishment because although this workout almost literally kicked my butt, I found it to be great fun, dynamic, thrilling, and it tapped into my well-hidden aggressions and managed to release them in a controlled and positive way. In time, my knee became stronger and tolerated the movements more readily, even my hips loosened up, and I gained much greater overall flexibility. No longer did I feel that something broke during the class. Now, there are many articles on the net listing all the benefits of cardio kickboxing, but I found one in particular from the AFPA that particularly stood out for me. It encompasses all the praises I can possibly sing about this type of exercise.

Since that first class, I have been training one-on-one once a week with a personal trainer and lucky for me, it happens to be the same instructor that teaches the class. During the week, I practice my jabs, kicks, and stances at home paying more close attention to my form and gradually pushing myself further each time. I have incorporated this regular practice into my own routine which focuses a bit more on the boxing aspect of the workout as well. Then, when I do have my training session with her, I can bring what I have learned through repetition and my muscles can take over rather than me having to constantly think about how I am placing my feet, where to aim, and paying attention to not overextending any movements. Having a moving human target, who is adding resistance as well pawing and deflecting my punches, adds a whole other dimension to the movements, which is something I would not be able to duplicate in my solitary practice or while in class.

As a result, not only has my confidence sky-rocketed, but I have lost over 23 pounds and have gone down several pant sizes. Right now, none of my old clothes fit and I am now waiting until the Fall to buy a whole new wardrobe that actually fits me. I feel stronger, more limber, just overall great and very much full of energy. I love the muscle definition in my arms and legs and know that I will definitely keep going back to my beloved class for as long as I possibly can. I don’t think I want to go back to life without it…hehehe. I would definitely recommend that if you are looking to get great results from a fun and energetic workout, you definitely check out a cardio kickboxing class, pronto!

New Found Comfort in My Own Skin

2009-08-20T12:23:00.008-04:00

I am not quite certain when it happened, but as I have become older, although I do worry somewhat about my appearance, I am much more comfortable in my own skin. This is a feeling that has alluded for most of my life, but for me, has come at a very unexpected time…better late than never, right? Not only have I gone through a very traumatic marital separation, but right now, I am in the process of losing some very unwanted fat. I packed these pounds on not only when I had my youngest daughter (5 years ago), but I managed to keep gaining by eating like a pig to mask the feelings of resentment and disappointment I struggled with due to my ongoing and very unhappy marriage. Yes, I can admit now that I used food as comfort and it was not a good habit whatsoever!

My now estranged husband made a comment a few weeks ago about how much weight I was losing and how he might regret the fact that he left me. I found this to be the most idiotic and shallow statement he has ever made. I am not certain if it was meant to be a compliment, somehow I think it was, but it simply screamed out “the reason I left you was because you did not turn me on then. I looked at you and saw a fat cow.” Wow, talk about a devastating blow straight to the ovaries…ouch.

The funny thing is that although I am still not exactly where I’d like to end up, I have made my way here slowly, but in great condition and health. I went down to a size 10 from a size 16 in about 5 months time. To be honest, I initially wanted to get down to a size 12. Back in February, I honestly thought that would be my perfect size, but I blew passed that a bit ago and now enjoy working out and eating a healthy diet so much that I don’t want to stop here. I am not too far off my goal, I suppose. However, I can’t lie and say that I am not curious as to how I will look by going back to a size 6 jeans as I was in my mid 20’s. That was the time I was at my fittest and the time in life I thought I looked best.

I know today the pressure is on women to be a size 0 as the article written by Rita Wilson from Harper’s Bazaar magazine entitled Size 8 in a 0 World illustrates . Why is this the current trend? Besides the fact that the fashion industry has dictated it, I am not exactly certain. I do not want to be that skinny. I don’t want to lose my curves; my hips, my breasts, my butt, and my thighs. I always want to look voluptous, not waif-ish. I want to look like a woman, not a prepubescent boy. And most of all, I want to look as if I have inherited those famous diva-esque Latin goddess genes instead of trying to fight them in order to fit a size 0 mold. Nope, not me. I want some junk in my trunk!!!

I work in an environment dominated by 20-somethings who devoutly starve themselves in order to make themselves acceptable by today’s size 0 standard. I have witnessed FOUR grown women share ONE grapefruit and TWO sushi rolls for lunch. Think about it; that’s ¼ of a grapefruit and two pieces of sushi for each. I have witnessed women feverishly go twice a day to the gym to workout and drop about 15 lbs in weight in a month and still not be satisfied. I have heard women purging in the restroom. I have opened a door for women who do not have the energy to hold the door for themselves because they are weak from starvation. I have seen the changes in these young women over time; one day they are rosy cheecked, and then a few weeks down the line, they have dark circles under their eyes and become sickly looking and pale. This is NOT in the direction I want to head. I will confess, at times, I do feel large in comparison to these minute females, but then I take a good look around me at their habits, their energy level, their distorted body images, and their shared pyschosis to lose weight, and I snap right back to reality, quick.

PS: And for those of you who are still wondering, the estranged husband's opinion doesn't count anymore...so eat your heart out, sucka!!!

Steve Harvey's Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man

2009-08-17T16:16:00.003-04:00

I began reading this book after purchasing over the weekend at my local Barnes and Noble. Funny part was that I rummaged all over the bookstore looking for Steve Harvey's picture on the cover and did not manage to find the tome, until one of the Customer Services Reps informed me they now kept this particular title behind the cash registers. I didn't realize that this book had a particular knack of walking away without being paid for.

In any event, I was happy to have purchased my very own copy. I had been wanting to read it for a while and as I mentioned before, I only got to cover the first few chapters, but what I have read so far has given me a new perspective on the male view. What I found even most valuable of all was that it validated some of my own rules when engaging with the opposite sex. What really struck me was that Steve Harvey was putting into words many of the behaviors I had advised other women to integrate into their own arsenal, but when I said it, it was dismissed for one reason or another. More often than not because the combination of being conditioned to cater to men and a low self-esteem has us women compromising ourselves and our bodies for the sake of being accepted and/or showered with male attention. Not me, I don't think a man has a lot to offer me, but that I have a lot to offer any man. If he's too stupid, impatient, or immature to see that, then there will be another one coming along any minute.

It's funny, I was even called a gold-digger by one friend when I revealed that if a man invites me on a date, he's definitely paying...there's no compromise on that. I was told I was naive and asking for trouble when I stated that when I go out with someone, I don't obssess about their expectations of what should happen on the current date or if there should be a second date. I don't feel pressured or obligated to 'put out' because he expects or wants me to. It's not my fault if he has let his own imagination run away with him. Had he asked me if I was going to have sex with him on the first date, then he would have known right away that it was NOT going to happen!

At Bookstove.com, Ms. Claudette Jones seems to think alike. I am glad I am not the only one standing up for presenting men with a set of standards they should follow instead of us women tripping all over ourselves to prove to men we are worthy of their attention over the other prospects out there. Recently, I discussed buying the book with a close friend and her uninhibited disdainfully-ridden facial expression was priceless. She then began listing all the reasons why she was NOT looking for a man and would NOT buy a book, which would surely focus on how to snarl one in. I am not exactly sure that I want to hook, trap, snarl, grab, reel, or lure one in. If I have missed any other expletive, please excuse me, but you do get the jist of where I am going with this. I don't ever want to get to the stage that I feel I NEED to have a man in my life, but I also don't wish to condemn myself to miserable solitude because I can't believe that there are still good men out in the world. Personally, I purchased the book because I have been out of the dating game for a long time and wanted to find out if the same rules from when I was a younger woman still applied. Lucky for me, these things never really change :)

I look forward to reading the rest of Harvey's book. I approach it with an open mind and imagine that the author will bring across points I don't necessarily agree with. I didn't buy it because I expected for Steve to give me the answers to all my problems with men. I thought it most likely would be very funny and hopefully would shed some light on the male psyche. So far, it's delivered on both counts. Yes, I know he's not an expert, but that's not why I bought the book. I do believe that regular people can be wise and through life experience can attain wisdom. In fact, I would rather someone learn a lesson by actual practical experience rather than reading a case study from a book, but then again...that just may be me again!

I'd Like to Dedicate this One to my Ex

2009-08-14T20:50:00.002-04:00

Baby, this one's for you:

Madea tells it like it is...

2009-08-14T14:53:00.007-04:00

Love these words of wisdom:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z9VexCHWYqI

Amen, Sistah Girl!!!!

I need to get ME a pair of balls the size of hers ;)

My Sincerest Apology to a Person I Hurt in the Past

2009-08-14T11:07:00.007-04:00

In keeping with the spirit of self-exploration and learning from previous mistakes…that and infidelity seem to be the flavors of this month :), I was thinking about someone I wronged in the past and wanted to let him know what I learned from the experience. Yeah, maybe it was totally selfish to make myself feel better, but I just felt that in life we don’t always see the mysterious ways in which Karma works. We have to be content with the fact that things may work out in the end, and that the people who have wronged us somehow will be enlightened and we will be proven right, that some kind of cosmic justice will prevail, whatever. This was my true motivation. I felt this guy deserved for me to let him know that he was totally right in dumping me then. What I did to him was wrong and I was too much of an a$$ then to even see that it was wrong. I just kept making excuses and dancing around the subject. I acted as if HE was overreacting and should have gotten over it instead of hassling me about it (holding me accountable for it). So now and today in 2009, how many years later? At least, 12, I wanted to afford him the opportunity to see how HIS influence impacted the big picture since this is something we usually never get to see in the works.

So, this morning when I got to work, I began looking him up on Google. Sheesh, it IS amazing how easily you can find people on the net, almost a bit scary. I called his last listed job to verify the information since all the posted information dated back to 2004, and very much pre-recession. This person is in IT so you never know *shrugz*, but he picked up the phone. I wasn’t ready for that and just told him I dialed the wrong number and hung up, but at least I know it was him and that the email I had acquired was still valid.

My email went like this:

Hi,

Long time no contact :)

You probably don’t even remember me, it’s been so long. You and I dated for a little bit in the mid 90’s. We met on IRC and I used to go by the monicker of dweamgoil. This should ring some bells by now. In any case, I wanted to reach out to you because some funny (ironic) things have happened as of late that made me think of the way things ended between us. It really is funny how life comes full circle sometimes. I know it really doesn’t matter anymore, I mean this was so long ago, but I feel that I want to make amends with you and apologize from the bottom of my heart for the way I treated you towards the end of our relationship. I have no reason to lie now and I know you didn’t believe me then, but I told you the truth when I stated that nothing had happened between ____ (the guy I had gone to see) and I that one time I did visit him. However, I do feel you were absolutely right in breaking up with me at that point. It was very wrong of me to even go see him in the first place and it was even worse to be so callous about it afterwards. I am so sorry for how selfish I was then and whatever hurt I may have caused you as a result of that.

I hope you and your family are doing well. I know it’s not only unexpected that I should write you to bring this up, but I have learned a lot over the past several months about fidelity, the lasting power of marriage, and a bunch of other things, which I was hoping would never come to pass. This chain of events sparked my desire to let you know that you did teach me something in life. We don’t often get to discover the value of our impact on people’s lives and we don’t realize how we truly touch people or not. I just wanted to bring this to your attention and hope it somehow brings a smile to your face. Yeah, yeah…you were right. I know women don’t often admit this.

Anyways, take care of you and your loved ones. I wish you guys the best!

DweamGoiL

I felt such a weight lifted off of my shoulders when I hit that send button and an even larger one when the mail wasn’t bounced back because the account had been deactivated. I realize he will never know, but it was very difficult for me to write that. I experienced such an overflow of emotion, maybe it was some kind of weird transferrence thing because deep down I wish my own idiot spouse would afford me the same courtesy, but of course, he will not, but at the very least I am happy I was able to get that out. I just hope it’s taken constructively and not like some weird stalking thing or the final affirmation that I am totally off of my rocker or something…who knows *shrugz*.

Thoughts on Letting Go of a Toxic Friendship

2009-08-13T14:47:00.007-04:00

Over the years, I have had many friends come and go. A lot of friendships seem to have a set expiration date due to one circumstance or another; it’s just difficult sometimes to tell exactly when that final day has arrived. For me, if the friendship does not continue to be an enjoyable experience; that is a clear sign that this person is not an adequate friend for me. In following this criteria, I was forced to part ways with one of my oldest friends. At the time, I still cherished our friendship and made several attempts to keep in contact with her, but in her eyes, somehow I was using her and should be dismissed. I wanted to respect her wishes although it really did pain me to do so.

Today, I don’t keep many friends very close to me. Somewhere along the line, my life took a turn where work, family, keeping and maintaining a household became the utmost priorities instead of what outfit will I wear tomorrow and when can we get together to shopping for the outfit I will be wearing the next day? Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying I do not value friends or that going out shopping is any less meaningful than preparing dinner for my family, I simply do not have an overabundance of time, and because of this, and the fact that being popular simply does not matter anymore, I have learned to manage and prioritize my time much more carefully and effectively. I need to take care of my responsibilities first, and any social interaction comes second to that.

I have old friends from my youth, I still keep in contact with. We exchange thoughts by either email, text, or telephone every now and again, and interchangeably we do display a genuine interest in keeping the connection going for an undetermined amount of time. I love that they understand, respect, and find themselves in the stage of life where you are very busy and have demanding responsibilities, which makes each of these interactions we do share eagerly anticipated and that much sweeter when we finally get the opportunity to catch up. These are the friends I have chosen for myself because they do not tax my emotions, time, wallet, or seek to blurry the unspoken boundaries of the level of commitment I am willing to invest in order to maintain the friendship.

A couple of months ago, an online friendship abruptly ended. I guess you could say I was broken up with :), but in turn, I would relate the experience to a bad one night stand that lasted way too long. The odd part was that when she dumped me, I felt such a sense of relief instead of resentment or disappointment. Truthfully, I was hoping she was referring to me when she confessed she had someone she wanted to eliminate from her life. For some reason which I still cannot explain, I allowed this person to guilt me into continuing a very demanding online friendship. I felt annoyed and resentful when I would step away from my work computer and she would freak out because I didn’t IM her a reply fast enough or if I was out from work, she wanted me to let her know ahead of time. She began to take an emotional toll on me and left me hollow each time I would chat with her. She always had some problem and as a general rule was a pessimist and suffered bouts of depression. It was as if she wanted a counselor, not a friend, and her constant demands for guidance and overall life support, began to weigh on me, particularly when my advice was dismissed repeatedly. It was as if she just kept repeating the same mistakes over and over, noticed that she was stuck in this vicious cycle, but still did nothing more than to complain about it. I do not think I am perfect by any realm of the imagination, but I cannot relate to people who cannot take responsibility for their own actions. My take is if you see something wrong, do something about it, if not, you have no right to complain. This combination of apathy and oblivious denial frustrated me to a level that the friendship become quite unbearable.

At first, the ‘online’ thing was somewhat manageable. She lived in Florida and I lived way up North. I knew that once the computer was off, the ‘sessions’ ended. But then, I made the mistake of giving her my home phone number. Now, all of a sudden, the friendship had taken a whole new dimension, and she was calling me regularly to talk about nothing in particular. This would have been fine, and frankly, was nice at first, but the fact remained that 3 hours prior, we had chatted online for most of the day. I was beginning to feel rather overwhelmed, but did not want to hurt her feelings. Then the straw that broke the camel’s back happened, when I had her over as a houseguest during one of her quarterly NY visits. I found her quite intolerable on many fronts during her stay and noticed she was just overstepping many boundaries I had asked her not to. Every rule I asked her not to break, she did in one form or another and would label me as being 'compulsive'. My resentment was beginning to boil over.

So…we parted ways then, but that time, it was me who backed off. After some time, I received a mysterious package in the mail. I didn’t realize it at the time, but it was from her. It was a story I had begun writing, which I had shared with her when times were better. I was trying to figure out who could have sent it, but when I examined the packaging more closely, I was able to discern who the sender was. I really did not think anything of it at the time, since we had ceased all contact. But then, I began receiving emails from her seeking to rekindle the friendship. Since a considerable stretch of time off had transpired, I believed she might have grown as a person and that whatever emotional issues she had in the past, could have been worked on by now and could remain in the past. I was also not aware she had moved to NJ so that if her issues were still present, she was much closer geographically now.

In a few weeks, I found myself in exactly the same spot as before with her, but this time, she was within 'hanging out distance'. She was like an emotional vampire sucking all the life out of me. This time, I tried to give her an opportunity to work things out within herself, but that just never happened. This disturbed me to no end, particularly since we had chatted at length about why the friendship had fizzled the first time around. Next thing I know she is calling me on the weekends inviting herself to hang out with me and my kids. I allowed this to happen one time, and to be perfectly honest, it was not a lot of fun for me or my kids. She had gone into the City and invited herself to meet us in Queens, where I was taking my girls for a day out. It quickly became painfully obvious that we really did not have much in common. I am very active, and enjoy eating healthy foods and regular physical activity; she was the exact opposite. I was married; she was single. We were at different stages emotionally, financially, career-wise, etc. We had variying political and moral views. The list goes on.

When she left me the IM announcing ‘that she felt our friendship had run its course’, I did not harbor any ill-will, but wanted to ensure that this would be the last time I would hear from her. I did not blame her for not having the courage to just call me and tell me over the phone, or for taking the cowardly way out and waiting for the opportunity until I left my desk and leaving the IM and then closing the window so I could not reply. I understand and accept that she has never been very adept at handling any type of perceived confrontation. But, in the interest of dissolving the friendship, I took her off my IM list and blocked her emails (in case she would be tempted to send any in the future to my job or personal accounts). I also felt that she should respect this mutually agreed separation and not post anything to my blog or even feel compelled to read it with any regularity, or at all for that matter. I believe my opinions should be quite irrelevant to her now that we are no longer friends. But, this constant need to check in and to let me know how she feels about what I have written while lurking behind the scenes, borders on the cusp of cyber-stalking and trolling, both of which are just not good!

Exploitation of Mentally Disabled at Texas State Funded School

2009-08-12T15:54:00.006-04:00

Seven employees working at a Corpus Christi school for the mentally disabled have been put on paid emergency leave pending an investigation into an ongoing ‘fight club’ amongh the school’s residents organized, promoted, and nurtured by the employees. What makes this case that much more deplorable is not only that there were mentally disabled persons involved, but that they were negligently pitted against each other as if they were sub-human and very naive pawns readily and solely available for the entertainment of some idiots who more than likely had no more education than a mere HS diploma. If you are going to get your frustrations regarding your shitty life out, then be a man about it and fight amongst yourselves, but to get people with an identified below average IQ who cannot fully comprehend not only what is at stake, but that they can possibly hurt each other and in doing so can serve real time, is just plain wrong and is worthy of some good ‘ole fashioned Texas justice.

The case becomes a bit tricky for prosecutors since the workers themselves were not actively involved in the fights; they acted behind the scenes, and the level of involvement of each is difficult to gauge. However, because of the developmental challenges of the residents, they should be considered ‘not competent’ as a matter of law, and treated as if the same acts were being purported towards children. Obviously these residents could not discern this was wrong because if they had would they have been such ‘willing participants’ as the defense will surely claim. The fact that the workers employed in the capacity of caretakers and/or authority figures orchestrated the fights, places the whole mess in the same category as if a daycare worker would do the same with young children. There is simply no excuse for this type of abuse…period. I just find it disturbing that more people are not appaled as a result of this case.

Would more people object if kids were put to fight with each other in this manner? Of course, they would! So why not have the same objections when dealing with people of a consenting biological age, but with the mental maturity of a child?

Dan Savage - On a "Netship"

2009-08-11T15:29:00.011-04:00

I read the article labeled Skin to Skin Contact posted on August 6, 2009 by Dan Savage, which makes me think about several ponderings regarding online networking/dating and the state of mind of women guilty of the infraction he refers to. Yes, posting misleading pictures (of yourself more than 5 years ago, more than 20 lbs ago, or for the fellas, the need to pose wearing a baseball cap because there's nothing up top) is not a good idea...period. The inevitable disappointment will not be worth the slight chance that the person will feel sorry enough for you because you feel the need to resort to such deceptive measures to hook someone, and for this person to then entertain the notion of being guilted into having either pity sex or an awkward "netship" with you because they are too chicken to break it off. Who would want that? Who would want to publicly advertise that their self-esteem is so entirely shot that it's better to settle for any emotional or physical crumbs an unsuspecting male victim might throw her way?

Instead, it might be time to begin evaluating yourself in a different manner. Why do I feel the need to do this? Am I really satisfied with the way I look? (If not, do something about it, it's just that simple!). Do I think deep down that I am NOT worthy of being loved and respected? (If you don't, do you honestly think he will?) Do I whole-heartedly believe that I have a lot to offer? (If you don't think so, then he won't either). Do I need to learn how to love myself a bit more before I can expect someone else to love me? (YES!!!!!!)

Any woman should NOT NEED a man in her life! A woman should WANT a man because of the companionship, physical closeness, emotional support, and or help with things in general. Yes, having a cooperative partner is a hell of a lot better than having to do everything yourself. But, let's get one thing very clear here; attracting or keeping a man is not an accomplishment. Most of the time it's a lot of work because we cannot entirely understand them and they cannot entirely understand us. Now, don't get me wrong, having a man around is fun and can be rewarding in a myriad of ways, but I am really tired of women letting themselves believe that their self-worth should be equated to the fact that they can attract and keep a man in their lives. The truth is that as long as you have the physical components that all women are naturally born with, you're pretty much able to attract one. There's no big secret there. Now, keeping a sane, supportive, honest, emotionally well-balanced, appropriately age mature, and a giving one to boot involves that you also posses the same qualities and are able to set boundaries within the relationship that you both can live with.

Most women that ooze desperation then end up with men that are not deserving of having a caring woman in their lives in the first place; these are the male bottom feeders that target the desperate and lonely because that is exactly what you have lead him to believe that you are. But, in some strange way, I suppose it all balances out. You are advertising for him to "Please take advantage of me because I AM THAT desperate and I AM THAT lonely!" and he WILL BE taking advantage...so in retrospect, it should work out just fine, seems like the perfect arrangement, doesn't it?

10 Rules for an Unhappy Marriage

2009-08-10T11:22:00.010-04:00

After reading the 10 Rules for an Unhappy Marriage, I realize I could not have avoided the final outcome of the marital separation I am currently experiencing as a direct result from the crumbling of my marriage. It didn't matter if I tried or not, it would have ended up exactly the same way. I'll tell you impending divorce is an interesting experience. From the 'official' move out of the spouse leaving the marital home when you don't realize how insignificant items you never cared about before now become the point of fierce contention, to the emotional turmoil, the rummaging through what seems like a lifetime of items you collected together because at the time they meant something and having to pack them away and forget them to keep what's left of your own sanity, and finally the knowing you were right, but it doesn't count for s#@t! Why must there be mind games afterwards like the stupid comments on if things would have been different (which of course translates into if you would have agreed to my cheating...)? Why do we go through the blame game? Why is it that even the simple act of wishing the other well is received with utter defensiveness and the return of vile and spew?

I know I need to move on from this and I am doing so in my own way and at my own pace. I try very hard to not let his impetuous nature influence my decisions or my actions. Yes, it becomes challenging, but I have been fortunate to find support in places I never knew existed. If anyone else is going through a similar experience, allow me to stress that it is of utmost important that you find a support system made up of people that can truly accept your decisions regarding the broken marriage and seek to nurture you, and not turn the tables on you with the potential of unkowingly leading you back into a situation that is not healthy for you.

As a result of all this, I have explored the world of online dating sites to see what and who is out there. I just have one point to make here and it is that; In the past, I always used to harshly judge older women (ages 40 +) who became sexually involved with younger guys (in their 20's). I am now eating my words. Although I haven't done it yet, I am tempted to. It is a convenient way to keep things on a less than serious level, particularly for a very busy woman like myself who was no real time to nurture a flourishing relationship, as well as to have someone around who absolutely adores, admires, and is oh so deliciously fixated in pleasing you. For all the wrong reasons, yes, but if you're looking for a quick ego boosting fix and keep in perspective that this 'friendship with benefits' has no future whatsoever, somehow it doesn't seem so bad. And the best part of it is that at that age, most men ARE still single and very free to mingle ;) It's irresistibly guilt-free on that front as well. No real worries of the troublesome screening for 'married or committed liars' seeking nothing but an empty set of secret rendezvous' so they can escape and victimize their unknowing spouse with you as a conveniently complacent accomplice. So for all you Cougars out there, I sincerely apologize, ladies...I was SO DEAD WRONG!

Update - My Life with a Serial Cheater

2009-07-29T11:42:00.019-04:00

It’s been a few weeks since everything went down. Now, instead of constantly falling apart, I feel stronger and more at peace. Other than the times he chooses to contact me, my life is pretty hectic, but on my own terms. It feels good.

I have had his cell phone number activated on a phone I have been carrying with me for a bit over a week now. I have received several calls from ‘the others’. I wonder why he did not bother to call these women and let them know he no longer had the phone or that it was out of service? He’s good at making stuff up; I am certain he could have easily conjured up some believable fantasy for them to buy into.

But alas, last Friday, July 24, 2009, I received a voicemail from Joy May of Poughkeepsie (from her home number) asking him to get his things out of her place and leave the key behind. She affirmed her conviction by stating that she needed him to take care of this asap. You can’t imagine how much 'joy' (full pun intended) this message brought to me. I wondered what he had done this time to warrant this atypical outburst from her usual doormat personality since she's been happily and blindly holding onto him since April of 2008. At first, I was tempted to call her back and gloat so she would finally see we were no different. We were still nothing but pawns in his self-involved love games, but I decided to let him walk into that one, instead. The end result would still be the same and it was that much more delicious to let it unfold on its own!

And lo’ and behold…on Sunday, he visited the children with all his possession in the back of his work van. He then wanted to talk. I wanted to divert, but he made it sound like it was of utmost importance and I relented. I suppose in the very back of my mind, I wanted for him to beg me to come back and to express how sorry he was. But in reality, he attempted to make me feel sorry for him by reciting some incomprehensible and distorted jargon from some self-help book for men. Apparently, he had missed the point entirely. All he did was to upset me even more. He tried to justify his cheating to me by stating that it was an outlet for a much needed separation from the marriage. I am not certain how he saw that one played out before he actually said it, but in real life, it wasn’t good. All he did that day, was to create more resentment and to reconfirm the notion that he was a pathetic and unfeeling parasite. It's hard for me to believe that there is such an overwhelming abundance of such desperate grown women out there completely lacking in any minuscule amount of self-respect and that they passively allow him (or any other man) to easily prey upon them in exchange for some minimal attention and the transparent facade of flattery. On one hand, I was glad Joy May of Poughkeepsie had thrown him out, but I knew it wouldn’t be long before there was another one to blindly do his bidding or she would cave through utter desperation and take him back.

And there was. Eli, who had just sent him a picture of herself by text message on Saturday, July 25, 2009.

I keyed in a response to call back. The next morning, she called my new line thinking it was him, of course. Since he didn’t pick up the first time, she left a message. She was just calling to say hi. I called this one back and asked her civilly for information. She stated that they had met a long time ago. I told her I had seen pictures of them so her claim that they were ‘just friends’ was not as innocent as she would have it seem. Additionally, I asked her how long had it been since she had seen him? Predictably, she lied and said that it was also a LONG time ago. It’s funny how 20 days before is such a LONG time in her book and it's even funnier how IF the friendship was so innocent as she claimed, then WHY had I never met her in person EVER? If there was nothing to hide, then hubby, her and I could have gone for a beer at any time and shoot the breeze, right? I am really hoping she doesn't think I bought her sorry ass story for one minute!

Her text message on July 9, 2009, was actually the one that had precipitated this whole thing in the first place. She was the crazysexycool person at aol that was thanking him for last night. How do I know this? Because I remember the old daily emails she kept sending him, and when I found out he had gone out on a date with this woman and brought my youngest child along with him (because nothing impresses the ho's more than a young child without a mom). Then, there was the picture he had on his phone that she had taken of them kissing. It’s funny how no matter how long it’s been, you just never forget these things.

I ended the conversation with a brief good bye and a warning to watch out for him because he was a liar. She insincerely thanked me for the advice. I then texted her Joy’s home phone number as his last known place of residence, in case she wanted to contact him in the future, but she stated she did not want to cause any problems. That was pretty funny coming from her! I have a suspicion that if enough time passes, she will call that number. After all, she’s been clinging to a married man for almost 2 years…you do the math on that one.

This was when I decided that I would never accept being anyone’s ‘secret female friend’ and had to immediately nip a loose end in the bud. Eli’s lying, hypocrisy, and transparent attempt to insult my intelligence had helped me make the right decision in reference to someone whom I met for the first time that past Friday. Don’t get me wrong, he did not ask outright for me to be his ‘friend on the side’, but I got the jist very quickly of what he was looking for. Oh, he gave the whole story that he was also separated and such, but it just did not jive. Been there, done that, and I can’t spot the BS a mile away. I called him on Monday night and ended that before it even began. I felt much better for doing so and I know I did the right thing!

I am now finding great rewards in the little things in life. Keeping myself going strong and in good health is my number one priority. My second priority is my devotion to my children and from there, everything is pretty much secondary. Of course, some material things are more important than others, but at the end of the day, family and health are the number one necessities in life. I can appreciate them both fully now, and that is owed partly to my cheating husband. I like to give credit where credit is due. I think for a very long time I had lost sight of that, and I am glad I can see things a bit more clearly now. As Eli would say in her high pitched nasally voice: Thanks, Tommy!

Malignant Self Love - The Author

2009-07-16T17:20:00.003-04:00

THE AUTHOR

Shmuel (Sam) Vaknin

Curriculum Vitae

Born in 1961 in Qiryat-Yam, Israel.

Served in the Israeli Defence Force (1979-1982) in training and education units.

Education
Graduated a few semesters in the Technion – Israel Institute of Technology, Haifa.

Ph.D. in Philosophy (major: Philosophy of Physics) – Pacific Western University, California, USA.

Graduate of numerous courses in Finance Theory and International Trading.

Certified E-Commerce Concepts Analyst by Brainbench.

Certified in Psychological Counselling Techniques by Brainbench.

Certified Financial Analyst by Brainbench.

Full proficiency in Hebrew and in English.

Business Experience

1980 to 1983
Founder and co-owner of a chain of computerised information kiosks in Tel-Aviv, Israel.

1982 to 1985
Senior positions with the Nessim D. Gaon Group of Companies in Geneva, Paris and New-York (NOGA and APROFIM SA):

– Chief Analyst of Edible Commodities in the Group's Headquarters in Switzerland

– Manager of the Research and Analysis Division

– Manager of the Data Processing Division

– Project Manager of the Nigerian Computerised Census

– Vice President in charge of RND and Advanced Technologies

– Vice President in charge of Sovereign Debt Financing

1985 to 1986
Represented Canadian Venture Capital Funds in Israel.

1986 to 1987
General Manager of IPE Ltd. in London. The firm financed international multi-lateral countertrade and leasing transactions.

1988 to 1990
Co-founder and Director of "Mikbats-Tesuah", a portfolio management firm based in Tel-Aviv.
Activities included large-scale portfolio management, underwriting, forex trading and general financial advisory services.

1990 to Present
Freelance consultant to many of Israel's Blue-Chip firms, mainly on issues related to the capital markets in Israel, Canada, the UK and the USA.

Consultant to foreign RND ventures and to governments on macro-economic matters.
President of the Israel chapter of the Professors World Peace Academy (PWPA) and (briefly) Israel representative of the "Washington Times".

1993 to 1994
Co-owner and Director of many business enterprises:

– The Omega and Energy Air-Conditioning Concern

– AVP Financial Consultants

– Handiman Legal Services – Total annual turnover of the group: 10 million USD. Co-owner, Director and Finance Manager of COSTI Ltd. – Israel's largest computerised information vendor and developer. Raised funds through a series of private placements locally in the USA, Canada and London.

1993 to 1996
Publisher and Editor of a Capital Markets Newsletter distributed by subscription only to dozens of subscribers countrywide.

In a legal precedent in 1995 – studied in business schools and law faculties across Israel – was tried for his role in an attempted takeover of Israel's Agriculture Bank.

Was interned in the State School of Prison Wardens.

Managed the Central School Library, wrote, published and lectured on various occasions.
Managed the Internet and International News Department of an Israeli mass media group, "Ha-Tikshoret and Namer".

Assistant in the Law Faculty in Tel-Aviv University (to Prof. S.G. Shoham).

1996 to 1999
Financial consultant to leading businesses in Macedonia, Russia and the Czech Republic. Collaborated with the Agency of Transformation of Business with Social Capital.

Economic commentator in "Nova Makedonija", "Dnevnik", "Makedonija Denes", "Izvestia", "Argumenti i Fakti", "The Middle East Times", "The New Presence", "Central Europe Review", and other periodicals, and in the economic programs on various channels of Macedonian Television.

Chief Lecturer in courses organised by the Agency of Transformation, by the Macedonian Stock Exchange, and by the Ministry of Trade.

1999 to 2002
Economic Advisor to the Government of the Republic of Macedonia and to the Ministry of Finance.

2001 to 2003
Senior Business Correspondent for United Press International (UPI).
Web and Journalistic Activities
Author of extensive Web sites in:

– Psychology ("Malignant Self Love") – An Open Directory Cool Site,

– Philosophy ("Philosophical Musings"),

– Economics and Geopolitics ("World in Conflict and Transition").

Owner of the Narcissistic Abuse Study List and the Abusive Relationships Newsletter (more than 6000 members).

Owner of the Economies in Conflict and Transition Study List, the Toxic Relationships Study List, and the Link and Factoid Study List.

Editor of mental health disorders and Central and Eastern Europe categories in various Web directories (Open Directory, Search Europe, Mentalhelp.net).

Editor of the Narcissistic Personality Disorder, the Verbal and Emotional Abuse, and the Spousal (Domestic) Abuse and Violence topics on Suite 101 and Bellaonline.

Columnist and commentator in "The New Presence", United Press International (UPI), InternetContent, eBookWeb, PopMatters, "Global Politician", eBookNet, and "Central Europe Review".

Publications and Awards
"Managing Investment Portfolios in States of Uncertainty", Limon Publishers, Tel-Aviv, 1988

"The Gambling Industry", Limon Publishers, Tel-Aviv, 1990

"Requesting My Loved One – Short Stories", Yedioth Aharonot, Tel-Aviv, 1997

"The Suffering of Being Kafka" (electronic book of Hebrew and English Short Fiction), Prague and Skopje, 1998-2004

"The Macedonian Economy at a Crossroads – On the Way to a Healthier Economy" (dialogues with Nikola Gruevski), Skopje, 1998

"The Exporters' Pocketbook", Ministry of Trade, Republic of Macedonia, Skopje, 1999

"Malignant Self Love – Narcissism Revisited", Narcissus Publications, Prague and Skopje, 1999-2006

The Narcissism Series (e-books regarding relationships with abusive narcissists), Skopje, 1999-2006

"After the Rain – How the West Lost the East", Narcissus Publications in association with Central Europe Review/CEENMI, Prague and Skopje, 2000

Winner of numerous awards, among them Israel's Council of Culture and Art Prize for Maiden Prose (1997), The Rotary Club Award for Social Studies (1976), and the Bilateral Relations

Studies Award of the American Embassy in Israel (1978).

Hundreds of professional articles in all fields of finances and the economy, and numerous articles dealing with geopolitical and political economic issues published in both print and Web periodicals in many countries.

Many appearances in the electronic media on subjects in philosophy and the sciences, and concerning economic matters.

Write to Me:
palma@unet.com.mk
narcissisticabuse-owner@yahoogroups.com

My Web Sites:
Economy/Politics:
http://ceeandbalkan.tripod.com/

Psychology:
http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/

Philosophy:
http://philosophos.tripod.com/

Poetry:
http://samvak.tripod.com/contents.html

Fiction:
http://samvak.tripod.com/sipurim.html