This weekend I learned a very valuable lesson about relationship closure. As life, the ultimate prankster would have it, it wasn’t me that needed the closure. In fact, it was the partner or my very first husband. He was someone I married 21 years ago, and neither one of us, was ready for marriage at all. Since my mother had basically pressured me into the marriage due to her old fashioned values and my inability to support myself at the time, and he was 2 years younger than I was, the marriage was destined for disaster. And yes, that was exactly the road it took. Our living together as a married couple lasted for 1.5 years, but we were married on paper for about 12 years. After we separated, I lost touch with him. I can’t say it wasn’t voluntarily on my part; he had gotten himself into trouble with the law, and I did not want to get caught up in that type of lifestyle.
While we were still together, he had managed to drop out of school, and get fired from all sorts of odd jobs he only managed to hold for a week or two. I ended up working full-time, attending college part-time, and supporting my daughter, him and myself, as well as paying part of my mother's rent so she would allow us to live with her. This would not have been as bad if he wasn't drinking and hanging out with his hoodlum friends until all hours of the morning, and then coming home, and trying do go the domestic violence route when I would call him on it. All this, was way too much for me to bear. Around the same time, I had become pregnant, and we decided to terminate the pregnancy due to our current situation, which took a great toll on both of us emotionally. As soon as I was able to, I chose to disassociate myself from him, and he was left to fend for himself. After that, I couldn't locate him for many years in order to file for a divorce.
Through the years, I always wondered if he had survived it all. Was he even still alive? You hear so many horror stories about young Latin men and how they end up. I sincerely hoped he had not ended up as yet another of the many statistics. That is where Facebook came into the rescue. Recently, I found him on the popular networking site and we began corresponding. Yes, he did turn his life around, and he seems very happy with the place in life he’s at now. He shared he had a son he loved immensely. We exchanged a few emails back and forth to catch up, and that is as far as it went. He is still a very sweet guy, and I was so happy things had turned out well for him. That was around the beginning of this year.
This weekend, I got a message by way of Facebook on my cell. It was some belligerent woman, whose name I did not recognize, complaining how I had been contacting her husband, and demanding I stop immediately. Her approach was so abrassive, it automatically put me on the defensive, and the desire to defy her was almost uncontrollable. After a few exchanges back and forth, I was able to piece the entire story. She was angry at me from when they first met 18 years ago. He was still not over our marriage then, and she felt he was rebounding. Today, he still has not married her. All these years, she has blamed me for him not walking down the aisle with her; so having me turn up again all of a sudden, made her feel threatened and insecure. I did reassure her. She had nothing to worry about from me. And, I took the time to answer some of her questions regarding our past marriage, why we split up, etc.
I must confess it was a bit weird, but I sensed she needed to know. Why hadn’t he told her all these things himself? I don’t know…maybe it’s just as basic as a difference in perspective. I can’t say for sure, but I believe a lot of pieces fell into place for her as a result of our exchange. I simply wished them the best, and left that one alone. Before her and I really got into it, I had emailed him when she first contacted me. I can't deny I was annoyed at the whole situation at first. I advised him that he needed to perhaps spend more time with her or whatever it took to reassure her because she seemed very insecure and this should have nothing to do with me.
The ironic part was that she did not know how much I really could sympathize with her plight; I didn’t want to get into it with her about my recent divorce proceedings, and how that related, etc. I was concerned this would only exacerbate her fears, and make matters worse. But, essentially, it was another opportunity life presented me with to make myself accountable for my past actions. It was another chance for me to do what I had vowed to; clarify and alleviate, and in turn, diffuse a similar situation to what I had been in a couple of years ago, when I was deceived and lied to repeatedly by a man I dearly loved and his parade of washed up bimbos. I didn’t choose to run away from it or lie my way past it or even ignore her. I wanted ‘them’ to be at peace with this. There is no reason for anyone to be stuck in the past, and particularly about this. What we had was so volatile and short-lived. He only took it so hard because I was one of his very first real relationships. It wasn’t me that was so special; it was being so in love so young. I found an excellent article online discussing how to get relationship closure as long as the other party is willing to meet.
This, along with a couple of other old boyfriend’s I have been able to have limited contact with in the fairly recent past, has taught me a great deal about how to treat people. You just never know the extent of the impact you may have had on someone without realizing it. It is very irresponsible of us to not take other people’s feelings into consideration, but sometimes, we are so inexperienced in life, dealing with our own emotions or life baggage, we are unable to see past our own selves. This is exactly what transpired with this first husband. I was so immature and into myself back then. Then, again, I was no different than any other 21 year old. I felt he should have been a man for me, and not a needy, clingy boy, who was looking for a mother replacement. I already had a toddler and I was looking for a partner in life, not another child to take care of. I needed him to be an adult, and could not understand that he was not there yet. Funny part is I hear so many women, who are my current age, have this same complaint of much older men, but that’s another topic entirely.
I am grateful I have been able to help someone else close off a chapter. Before she emailed me, I was oblivious that the fallout of that past relationship still needed to be mended in some way. Now, I am glad she took the initiative to email me, and I can only hope things will be better for them in some fashion.
While we were still together, he had managed to drop out of school, and get fired from all sorts of odd jobs he only managed to hold for a week or two. I ended up working full-time, attending college part-time, and supporting my daughter, him and myself, as well as paying part of my mother's rent so she would allow us to live with her. This would not have been as bad if he wasn't drinking and hanging out with his hoodlum friends until all hours of the morning, and then coming home, and trying do go the domestic violence route when I would call him on it. All this, was way too much for me to bear. Around the same time, I had become pregnant, and we decided to terminate the pregnancy due to our current situation, which took a great toll on both of us emotionally. As soon as I was able to, I chose to disassociate myself from him, and he was left to fend for himself. After that, I couldn't locate him for many years in order to file for a divorce.
Through the years, I always wondered if he had survived it all. Was he even still alive? You hear so many horror stories about young Latin men and how they end up. I sincerely hoped he had not ended up as yet another of the many statistics. That is where Facebook came into the rescue. Recently, I found him on the popular networking site and we began corresponding. Yes, he did turn his life around, and he seems very happy with the place in life he’s at now. He shared he had a son he loved immensely. We exchanged a few emails back and forth to catch up, and that is as far as it went. He is still a very sweet guy, and I was so happy things had turned out well for him. That was around the beginning of this year.
This weekend, I got a message by way of Facebook on my cell. It was some belligerent woman, whose name I did not recognize, complaining how I had been contacting her husband, and demanding I stop immediately. Her approach was so abrassive, it automatically put me on the defensive, and the desire to defy her was almost uncontrollable. After a few exchanges back and forth, I was able to piece the entire story. She was angry at me from when they first met 18 years ago. He was still not over our marriage then, and she felt he was rebounding. Today, he still has not married her. All these years, she has blamed me for him not walking down the aisle with her; so having me turn up again all of a sudden, made her feel threatened and insecure. I did reassure her. She had nothing to worry about from me. And, I took the time to answer some of her questions regarding our past marriage, why we split up, etc.
I must confess it was a bit weird, but I sensed she needed to know. Why hadn’t he told her all these things himself? I don’t know…maybe it’s just as basic as a difference in perspective. I can’t say for sure, but I believe a lot of pieces fell into place for her as a result of our exchange. I simply wished them the best, and left that one alone. Before her and I really got into it, I had emailed him when she first contacted me. I can't deny I was annoyed at the whole situation at first. I advised him that he needed to perhaps spend more time with her or whatever it took to reassure her because she seemed very insecure and this should have nothing to do with me.
The ironic part was that she did not know how much I really could sympathize with her plight; I didn’t want to get into it with her about my recent divorce proceedings, and how that related, etc. I was concerned this would only exacerbate her fears, and make matters worse. But, essentially, it was another opportunity life presented me with to make myself accountable for my past actions. It was another chance for me to do what I had vowed to; clarify and alleviate, and in turn, diffuse a similar situation to what I had been in a couple of years ago, when I was deceived and lied to repeatedly by a man I dearly loved and his parade of washed up bimbos. I didn’t choose to run away from it or lie my way past it or even ignore her. I wanted ‘them’ to be at peace with this. There is no reason for anyone to be stuck in the past, and particularly about this. What we had was so volatile and short-lived. He only took it so hard because I was one of his very first real relationships. It wasn’t me that was so special; it was being so in love so young. I found an excellent article online discussing how to get relationship closure as long as the other party is willing to meet.
This, along with a couple of other old boyfriend’s I have been able to have limited contact with in the fairly recent past, has taught me a great deal about how to treat people. You just never know the extent of the impact you may have had on someone without realizing it. It is very irresponsible of us to not take other people’s feelings into consideration, but sometimes, we are so inexperienced in life, dealing with our own emotions or life baggage, we are unable to see past our own selves. This is exactly what transpired with this first husband. I was so immature and into myself back then. Then, again, I was no different than any other 21 year old. I felt he should have been a man for me, and not a needy, clingy boy, who was looking for a mother replacement. I already had a toddler and I was looking for a partner in life, not another child to take care of. I needed him to be an adult, and could not understand that he was not there yet. Funny part is I hear so many women, who are my current age, have this same complaint of much older men, but that’s another topic entirely.
I am grateful I have been able to help someone else close off a chapter. Before she emailed me, I was oblivious that the fallout of that past relationship still needed to be mended in some way. Now, I am glad she took the initiative to email me, and I can only hope things will be better for them in some fashion.
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