2010 - A Year of Reflection & Discovery

If I had to sum up 2010 into one sentence, I would say that 2010 was the year of reflection and discovery for me. It was the first time I realized and accepted that mostly everything in my life, as well as the lives of others close to me, turned out the way it was supposed to.

This year, I had the chance to contact a couple of old flames from when I was a young girl; one guy, I would have married eventually if it hadn’t been for what I considered for many years to be my pride. I always wondered about him, and how things played out in his own life. He and I had a very nice romance when I was a teen. He was in his early 20’s at the time, and had a son with a woman he had married on impulse in FL. He was desperately trying to escape that life and had come to NY to stay with his mother as he tried to get his life back together. Although our relationship lasted over 2 years and seemed great in every which way, I could not be the woman he wanted me to be. I was simply a silly girl with silly dreams, and no sense of responsibility or having to make any personal sacrifices on behalf of another. However, deep down, I knew I could never take him seriously because of his past entanglements. I never wanted to be someone who wrecked anyone’s home.

I remember our last conversation. I called him to talk about whatever trivialities took place during my day, and his mother handed his wife the phone. She asked me who I was, and I simply asked her to put him on the phone. She did and I assured him it was over for good before he even had a chance to say anything at all. I felt he should’ve at least warned me she was coming back. To be honest, I am not sure if he even knew before she actually showed up, but I knew he was between a rock and a hard place and could not answer me, which served my purpose just fine. He tried calling me many times after that, wrote me letters for years when he reenlisted back in the army, and even had friends checking up on me now and again. But, that was the last time I ever spoke with him directly and that was over 25 years ago.

Actually, no. I almost forgot, there was one other time. He called me 2 days after I had my first daughter, back in 1988 to congratulate me on her birth. I was shocked he even knew what had happened, but the conversation was very short since I did not want to upset the father of my child.

Then, last Spring, we were able to reconnect and talk over the phone briefly to catch up. He wanted to come visit me later on during the Summer, but I stated that unless it was OK with his wife, I did not think it was a good idea. I never heard from him since. I knew how that conversation would go so that is why I threw it out there. I am just glad he was honest enough to not have lied in order to make things easy on himself, but instead chose to do the right thing. As nice as what we had was, it belongs in the distant past as a memory we both share.

In speaking to him, I was surprised by the fondness of the memories he still so vividly recalls. He actually said I was the best girlfriend ever, which was very flattering. I filled him in on how my life was going. Honestly, it was kind of sucking by the time we spoke, but I could not go down the other woman route…not after what I had gone through, and frankly, never again!

Turns out, he currently lives in FL, has 2 sons and has been with the same woman he was involved with at the time. They celebrated their 27th Anniversary this year. The oldest son was disabled in a car accident, and the other takes after his father entirely. I told this ex that I felt everything did indeed turn out the way it was supposed to. I mean, had he ended up with me, his first son, who was a baby back then, would not have had a father when he needed one the most. He was meant to be there for him and his family. I don’t think he ever thought about it that way, but I hope that statement brought him some inner peace because it did for me. It was wonderful knowing I had made the right decision in letting him go so many years ago, and that he blossomed into such a wonderful family man . I am actually very proud of him. I sincerely hope he knows that.

There was another ex boyfriend with a similar outcome…not the accident or the special needs child, but the fact that our future together was not the one that was supposed to go forward. He seems somewhat dissatisfied with his life, but I think all married people or those in long term relationships go through this at one time or another. It does not mean the grass is greener on the other side or that you should jump ship on the spot. It just means you’re bored with life being so mundane and predictable, and it’s about time to spice things up again so you can rediscover why you fell in love with your partner in the first place. What a beautiful journey to have the person you love most by your side when you discover that they are truly the one that brings you happiness, security, comfort, love, and overall contentment. You are validated for taking that leap of faith in choosing this person, who walks this path with you as well. I sometimes wish that I had had the chance to take that journey in my own life, but for me, the path was different. Who knows? Maybe, down the road.

I have also realized that it IS a good thing that my husband is no longer with me. I don’t hate him so much anymore, yet I don’t quite forgive him. I am civil when I see him and simply don’t engage in any personal conversations, and definitely no trips down memory lane for us. He comes to see his daughter, and I treat him as I would any other guest, who steps through my threshold. I still don’t trust him to take her anywhere on his own or to make spontaneous judgments based on her actual welfare rather than his own, so I accompany them wherever they want to go without a fuss.

This is actually very big for me in moving forward. I used to be very combative and resentful, and we would bicker constantly. It would not go well almost every time we would get passed the word hello. I just truly realized that everything did turn out the way it was supposed to, and instead of fighting it, I should just embrace it, and be thankful that it is all over. Recently, I have thought about the compilation of infidelity that was going on under my nose (even with a neighbor from across the street), his mood swings, his numerous tantrums, his financial recklessness, his addictive personality, his inability to stay focused on one goal, his inability to take any personal responsibility for anything he did, his lacking of any moral or ethical barometer, the myriad of lies, his ongoing verbal and psychological abuse, his insecurities, and all the other stuff that came along with it. All I can say now is my girls and I are finally at peace and it feels really good!

Funny thing is whenever he dregs up old hurts or memories, I simply reiterate my handy new mantra. He seems to hate this. He still seeks to upset me. I choose not to worry about him or those things anymore, and simply live my life as best as I can.