I am amazed at the amount of married men online seeking physical intimacy disguised as ‘friendship’ with women outside of the marriage. Not that married men are not allowed to have female acquaintances, but there is a difference between the female friends the wife knows about, may have even met and approves of, and the ‘secret friends’ the wife can never know about. I am obviously referrring to the latter category in this post.
In my quest for new companionship, I have been propositioned by two married men so far. The thing that struck me as funny was that they were rather taken aback by my very quick and blatant refusal to let the ‘friendship’ blossom into anything further than a long introduction. This tells me that there are a LOT of women out there that would not mind this type of arrangement in the least. Since when has being desperate, brainless, and lacking in self-respect become the representation of today’s dating woman online? That is some scary stuff for the rest of us women who do have working brain cells, tons of self-respect, and instead are lacking in desperation. Let me break it down to you like this; when men who are used to dealing with nothing but the above cited type of woman, who seem to be in very much abundance these days, do approach the independent and more emotionally mature woman, they don’t know what to do with themselves. They try the same tired lines and the same ‘ole recycled game that apparently works for these women, but to a more seasoned BS detector, just comes off as transparent and sad…nice try, but it ain’t gonna work, dude!
It is just so frustrating for the rest of us ladies. What’s even sadder is in my research, I have read many posts from women my age citing that they are settling for less when it comes to relationships and just men in general as they age. Why has this trend even caught on? Why are these women being made to believe that there are not enough men out there that are sane and mature, or that men in general are not to be made to live upto any sort of standards from women, or that older women should not even expect to have their needs fulfilled at all? To me, that’s just tragic. Women who have or are willing to settle need to re-evaluate and not lose sight of the fact that they do deserve better…way better!!!
Monday, August 24, 2009
Friday, August 21, 2009
An Ode to My Love, Cardio Kickboxing
Anyone who has previously read my blog, will know that I like to workout and I regularly go to the gym. Knowing that, this post goes back to the time I had first signed up at my local gym in March of 2009. Let me also state that I had been exercising at home for several months prior to that. I would not certify that I was in top physical shape then, but I could go for a 1 hr step class session without faltering prettty comfortably. Then, upon buying into the membership at my local gym, I discovered they had a cadio kickboxing class. I managed to work up the courage to show up for class about 2 weeks after my introductory fitness assessment. There I was thinking, how hard could this be?
This class demonstrated here is not exactly the same, but it's the closest representation to what we do in class on a weekly basis.
Man, was I wrong. It was hard…very very difficult. I turned beet red, had difficulty keeping up, my breathing was hard and shallow, and I suddenly realized how weak my hip and butt muscles truly were. I was panting and had to run for my water bottle to then not be able to drink fast enough in between gasping desperately for air. When I walked out of the classes studio, I felt I must have broken something deep inside my legs, some obscure muscle I didn’t even know existed until that day. The first thing I did when I got home that night was limp to the couch and straighten and raise my knee since it was killing me. I even had a hard time climbing up the steps to get through my door. Over the years, I have consistently and increasingly suffered from a very weak right knee. That night, the damned thing felt as if it was on fire and it kept pulsating to rub in the fact that I had overdone it and that knee was NOT happy.
I must be a glutton for punishment because although this workout almost literally kicked my butt, I found it to be great fun, dynamic, thrilling, and it tapped into my well-hidden aggressions and managed to release them in a controlled and positive way. In time, my knee became stronger and tolerated the movements more readily, even my hips loosened up, and I gained much greater overall flexibility. No longer did I feel that something broke during the class. Now, there are many articles on the net listing all the benefits of cardio kickboxing, but I found one in particular from the AFPA that particularly stood out for me. It encompasses all the praises I can possibly sing about this type of exercise.
Since that first class, I have been training one-on-one once a week with a personal trainer and lucky for me, it happens to be the same instructor that teaches the class. During the week, I practice my jabs, kicks, and stances at home paying more close attention to my form and gradually pushing myself further each time. I have incorporated this regular practice into my own routine which focuses a bit more on the boxing aspect of the workout as well. Then, when I do have my training session with her, I can bring what I have learned through repetition and my muscles can take over rather than me having to constantly think about how I am placing my feet, where to aim, and paying attention to not overextending any movements. Having a moving human target, who is adding resistance as well pawing and deflecting my punches, adds a whole other dimension to the movements, which is something I would not be able to duplicate in my solitary practice or while in class.
As a result, not only has my confidence sky-rocketed, but I have lost over 23 pounds and have gone down several pant sizes. Right now, none of my old clothes fit and I am now waiting until the Fall to buy a whole new wardrobe that actually fits me. I feel stronger, more limber, just overall great and very much full of energy. I love the muscle definition in my arms and legs and know that I will definitely keep going back to my beloved class for as long as I possibly can. I don’t think I want to go back to life without it…hehehe. I would definitely recommend that if you are looking to get great results from a fun and energetic workout, you definitely check out a cardio kickboxing class, pronto!
This class demonstrated here is not exactly the same, but it's the closest representation to what we do in class on a weekly basis.
Man, was I wrong. It was hard…very very difficult. I turned beet red, had difficulty keeping up, my breathing was hard and shallow, and I suddenly realized how weak my hip and butt muscles truly were. I was panting and had to run for my water bottle to then not be able to drink fast enough in between gasping desperately for air. When I walked out of the classes studio, I felt I must have broken something deep inside my legs, some obscure muscle I didn’t even know existed until that day. The first thing I did when I got home that night was limp to the couch and straighten and raise my knee since it was killing me. I even had a hard time climbing up the steps to get through my door. Over the years, I have consistently and increasingly suffered from a very weak right knee. That night, the damned thing felt as if it was on fire and it kept pulsating to rub in the fact that I had overdone it and that knee was NOT happy.
I must be a glutton for punishment because although this workout almost literally kicked my butt, I found it to be great fun, dynamic, thrilling, and it tapped into my well-hidden aggressions and managed to release them in a controlled and positive way. In time, my knee became stronger and tolerated the movements more readily, even my hips loosened up, and I gained much greater overall flexibility. No longer did I feel that something broke during the class. Now, there are many articles on the net listing all the benefits of cardio kickboxing, but I found one in particular from the AFPA that particularly stood out for me. It encompasses all the praises I can possibly sing about this type of exercise.
Since that first class, I have been training one-on-one once a week with a personal trainer and lucky for me, it happens to be the same instructor that teaches the class. During the week, I practice my jabs, kicks, and stances at home paying more close attention to my form and gradually pushing myself further each time. I have incorporated this regular practice into my own routine which focuses a bit more on the boxing aspect of the workout as well. Then, when I do have my training session with her, I can bring what I have learned through repetition and my muscles can take over rather than me having to constantly think about how I am placing my feet, where to aim, and paying attention to not overextending any movements. Having a moving human target, who is adding resistance as well pawing and deflecting my punches, adds a whole other dimension to the movements, which is something I would not be able to duplicate in my solitary practice or while in class.
As a result, not only has my confidence sky-rocketed, but I have lost over 23 pounds and have gone down several pant sizes. Right now, none of my old clothes fit and I am now waiting until the Fall to buy a whole new wardrobe that actually fits me. I feel stronger, more limber, just overall great and very much full of energy. I love the muscle definition in my arms and legs and know that I will definitely keep going back to my beloved class for as long as I possibly can. I don’t think I want to go back to life without it…hehehe. I would definitely recommend that if you are looking to get great results from a fun and energetic workout, you definitely check out a cardio kickboxing class, pronto!
Thursday, August 20, 2009
New Found Comfort in My Own Skin
I am not quite certain when it happened, but as I have become older, although I do worry somewhat about my appearance, I am much more comfortable in my own skin. This is a feeling that has alluded for most of my life, but for me, has come at a very unexpected time…better late than never, right? Not only have I gone through a very traumatic marital separation, but right now, I am in the process of losing some very unwanted fat. I packed these pounds on not only when I had my youngest daughter (5 years ago), but I managed to keep gaining by eating like a pig to mask the feelings of resentment and disappointment I struggled with due to my ongoing and very unhappy marriage. Yes, I can admit now that I used food as comfort and it was not a good habit whatsoever!
My now estranged husband made a comment a few weeks ago about how much weight I was losing and how he might regret the fact that he left me. I found this to be the most idiotic and shallow statement he has ever made. I am not certain if it was meant to be a compliment, somehow I think it was, but it simply screamed out “the reason I left you was because you did not turn me on then. I looked at you and saw a fat cow.” Wow, talk about a devastating blow straight to the ovaries…ouch.
The funny thing is that although I am still not exactly where I’d like to end up, I have made my way here slowly, but in great condition and health. I went down to a size 10 from a size 16 in about 5 months time. To be honest, I initially wanted to get down to a size 12. Back in February, I honestly thought that would be my perfect size, but I blew passed that a bit ago and now enjoy working out and eating a healthy diet so much that I don’t want to stop here. I am not too far off my goal, I suppose. However, I can’t lie and say that I am not curious as to how I will look by going back to a size 6 jeans as I was in my mid 20’s. That was the time I was at my fittest and the time in life I thought I looked best.
I know today the pressure is on women to be a size 0 as the article written by Rita Wilson from Harper’s Bazaar magazine entitled Size 8 in a 0 World illustrates . Why is this the current trend? Besides the fact that the fashion industry has dictated it, I am not exactly certain. I do not want to be that skinny. I don’t want to lose my curves; my hips, my breasts, my butt, and my thighs. I always want to look voluptous, not waif-ish. I want to look like a woman, not a prepubescent boy. And most of all, I want to look as if I have inherited those famous diva-esque Latin goddess genes instead of trying to fight them in order to fit a size 0 mold. Nope, not me. I want some junk in my trunk!!!
I work in an environment dominated by 20-somethings who devoutly starve themselves in order to make themselves acceptable by today’s size 0 standard. I have witnessed FOUR grown women share ONE grapefruit and TWO sushi rolls for lunch. Think about it; that’s ¼ of a grapefruit and two pieces of sushi for each. I have witnessed women feverishly go twice a day to the gym to workout and drop about 15 lbs in weight in a month and still not be satisfied. I have heard women purging in the restroom. I have opened a door for women who do not have the energy to hold the door for themselves because they are weak from starvation. I have seen the changes in these young women over time; one day they are rosy cheecked, and then a few weeks down the line, they have dark circles under their eyes and become sickly looking and pale. This is NOT in the direction I want to head. I will confess, at times, I do feel large in comparison to these minute females, but then I take a good look around me at their habits, their energy level, their distorted body images, and their shared pyschosis to lose weight, and I snap right back to reality, quick.
PS: And for those of you who are still wondering, the estranged husband's opinion doesn't count anymore...so eat your heart out, sucka!!!
My now estranged husband made a comment a few weeks ago about how much weight I was losing and how he might regret the fact that he left me. I found this to be the most idiotic and shallow statement he has ever made. I am not certain if it was meant to be a compliment, somehow I think it was, but it simply screamed out “the reason I left you was because you did not turn me on then. I looked at you and saw a fat cow.” Wow, talk about a devastating blow straight to the ovaries…ouch.
The funny thing is that although I am still not exactly where I’d like to end up, I have made my way here slowly, but in great condition and health. I went down to a size 10 from a size 16 in about 5 months time. To be honest, I initially wanted to get down to a size 12. Back in February, I honestly thought that would be my perfect size, but I blew passed that a bit ago and now enjoy working out and eating a healthy diet so much that I don’t want to stop here. I am not too far off my goal, I suppose. However, I can’t lie and say that I am not curious as to how I will look by going back to a size 6 jeans as I was in my mid 20’s. That was the time I was at my fittest and the time in life I thought I looked best.
I know today the pressure is on women to be a size 0 as the article written by Rita Wilson from Harper’s Bazaar magazine entitled Size 8 in a 0 World illustrates . Why is this the current trend? Besides the fact that the fashion industry has dictated it, I am not exactly certain. I do not want to be that skinny. I don’t want to lose my curves; my hips, my breasts, my butt, and my thighs. I always want to look voluptous, not waif-ish. I want to look like a woman, not a prepubescent boy. And most of all, I want to look as if I have inherited those famous diva-esque Latin goddess genes instead of trying to fight them in order to fit a size 0 mold. Nope, not me. I want some junk in my trunk!!!
I work in an environment dominated by 20-somethings who devoutly starve themselves in order to make themselves acceptable by today’s size 0 standard. I have witnessed FOUR grown women share ONE grapefruit and TWO sushi rolls for lunch. Think about it; that’s ¼ of a grapefruit and two pieces of sushi for each. I have witnessed women feverishly go twice a day to the gym to workout and drop about 15 lbs in weight in a month and still not be satisfied. I have heard women purging in the restroom. I have opened a door for women who do not have the energy to hold the door for themselves because they are weak from starvation. I have seen the changes in these young women over time; one day they are rosy cheecked, and then a few weeks down the line, they have dark circles under their eyes and become sickly looking and pale. This is NOT in the direction I want to head. I will confess, at times, I do feel large in comparison to these minute females, but then I take a good look around me at their habits, their energy level, their distorted body images, and their shared pyschosis to lose weight, and I snap right back to reality, quick.
PS: And for those of you who are still wondering, the estranged husband's opinion doesn't count anymore...so eat your heart out, sucka!!!
Monday, August 17, 2009
Steve Harvey's Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man
I began reading this book after purchasing over the weekend at my local Barnes and Noble. Funny part was that I rummaged all over the bookstore looking for Steve Harvey's picture on the cover and did not manage to find the tome, until one of the Customer Services Reps informed me they now kept this particular title behind the cash registers. I didn't realize that this book had a particular knack of walking away without being paid for.
In any event, I was happy to have purchased my very own copy. I had been wanting to read it for a while and as I mentioned before, I only got to cover the first few chapters, but what I have read so far has given me a new perspective on the male view. What I found even most valuable of all was that it validated some of my own rules when engaging with the opposite sex. What really struck me was that Steve Harvey was putting into words many of the behaviors I had advised other women to integrate into their own arsenal, but when I said it, it was dismissed for one reason or another. More often than not because the combination of being conditioned to cater to men and a low self-esteem has us women compromising ourselves and our bodies for the sake of being accepted and/or showered with male attention. Not me, I don't think a man has a lot to offer me, but that I have a lot to offer any man. If he's too stupid, impatient, or immature to see that, then there will be another one coming along any minute.
It's funny, I was even called a gold-digger by one friend when I revealed that if a man invites me on a date, he's definitely paying...there's no compromise on that. I was told I was naive and asking for trouble when I stated that when I go out with someone, I don't obssess about their expectations of what should happen on the current date or if there should be a second date. I don't feel pressured or obligated to 'put out' because he expects or wants me to. It's not my fault if he has let his own imagination run away with him. Had he asked me if I was going to have sex with him on the first date, then he would have known right away that it was NOT going to happen!
At Bookstove.com, Ms. Claudette Jones seems to think alike. I am glad I am not the only one standing up for presenting men with a set of standards they should follow instead of us women tripping all over ourselves to prove to men we are worthy of their attention over the other prospects out there. Recently, I discussed buying the book with a close friend and her uninhibited disdainfully-ridden facial expression was priceless. She then began listing all the reasons why she was NOT looking for a man and would NOT buy a book, which would surely focus on how to snarl one in. I am not exactly sure that I want to hook, trap, snarl, grab, reel, or lure one in. If I have missed any other expletive, please excuse me, but you do get the jist of where I am going with this. I don't ever want to get to the stage that I feel I NEED to have a man in my life, but I also don't wish to condemn myself to miserable solitude because I can't believe that there are still good men out in the world. Personally, I purchased the book because I have been out of the dating game for a long time and wanted to find out if the same rules from when I was a younger woman still applied. Lucky for me, these things never really change :)
I look forward to reading the rest of Harvey's book. I approach it with an open mind and imagine that the author will bring across points I don't necessarily agree with. I didn't buy it because I expected for Steve to give me the answers to all my problems with men. I thought it most likely would be very funny and hopefully would shed some light on the male psyche. So far, it's delivered on both counts. Yes, I know he's not an expert, but that's not why I bought the book. I do believe that regular people can be wise and through life experience can attain wisdom. In fact, I would rather someone learn a lesson by actual practical experience rather than reading a case study from a book, but then again...that just may be me again!
In any event, I was happy to have purchased my very own copy. I had been wanting to read it for a while and as I mentioned before, I only got to cover the first few chapters, but what I have read so far has given me a new perspective on the male view. What I found even most valuable of all was that it validated some of my own rules when engaging with the opposite sex. What really struck me was that Steve Harvey was putting into words many of the behaviors I had advised other women to integrate into their own arsenal, but when I said it, it was dismissed for one reason or another. More often than not because the combination of being conditioned to cater to men and a low self-esteem has us women compromising ourselves and our bodies for the sake of being accepted and/or showered with male attention. Not me, I don't think a man has a lot to offer me, but that I have a lot to offer any man. If he's too stupid, impatient, or immature to see that, then there will be another one coming along any minute.
It's funny, I was even called a gold-digger by one friend when I revealed that if a man invites me on a date, he's definitely paying...there's no compromise on that. I was told I was naive and asking for trouble when I stated that when I go out with someone, I don't obssess about their expectations of what should happen on the current date or if there should be a second date. I don't feel pressured or obligated to 'put out' because he expects or wants me to. It's not my fault if he has let his own imagination run away with him. Had he asked me if I was going to have sex with him on the first date, then he would have known right away that it was NOT going to happen!
At Bookstove.com, Ms. Claudette Jones seems to think alike. I am glad I am not the only one standing up for presenting men with a set of standards they should follow instead of us women tripping all over ourselves to prove to men we are worthy of their attention over the other prospects out there. Recently, I discussed buying the book with a close friend and her uninhibited disdainfully-ridden facial expression was priceless. She then began listing all the reasons why she was NOT looking for a man and would NOT buy a book, which would surely focus on how to snarl one in. I am not exactly sure that I want to hook, trap, snarl, grab, reel, or lure one in. If I have missed any other expletive, please excuse me, but you do get the jist of where I am going with this. I don't ever want to get to the stage that I feel I NEED to have a man in my life, but I also don't wish to condemn myself to miserable solitude because I can't believe that there are still good men out in the world. Personally, I purchased the book because I have been out of the dating game for a long time and wanted to find out if the same rules from when I was a younger woman still applied. Lucky for me, these things never really change :)
I look forward to reading the rest of Harvey's book. I approach it with an open mind and imagine that the author will bring across points I don't necessarily agree with. I didn't buy it because I expected for Steve to give me the answers to all my problems with men. I thought it most likely would be very funny and hopefully would shed some light on the male psyche. So far, it's delivered on both counts. Yes, I know he's not an expert, but that's not why I bought the book. I do believe that regular people can be wise and through life experience can attain wisdom. In fact, I would rather someone learn a lesson by actual practical experience rather than reading a case study from a book, but then again...that just may be me again!
Friday, August 14, 2009
Madea tells it like it is...
Love these words of wisdom:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z9VexCHWYqI
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z9VexCHWYqI
Amen, Sistah Girl!!!!
I need to get ME a pair of balls the size of hers ;)
My Sincerest Apology to a Person I Hurt in the Past
In keeping with the spirit of self-exploration and learning from previous mistakes…that and infidelity seem to be the flavors of this month :), I was thinking about someone I wronged in the past and wanted to let him know what I learned from the experience. Yeah, maybe it was totally selfish to make myself feel better, but I just felt that in life we don’t always see the mysterious ways in which Karma works. We have to be content with the fact that things may work out in the end, and that the people who have wronged us somehow will be enlightened and we will be proven right, that some kind of cosmic justice will prevail, whatever. This was my true motivation. I felt this guy deserved for me to let him know that he was totally right in dumping me then. What I did to him was wrong and I was too much of an a$$ then to even see that it was wrong. I just kept making excuses and dancing around the subject. I acted as if HE was overreacting and should have gotten over it instead of hassling me about it (holding me accountable for it). So now and today in 2009, how many years later? At least, 12, I wanted to afford him the opportunity to see how HIS influence impacted the big picture since this is something we usually never get to see in the works.
So, this morning when I got to work, I began looking him up on Google. Sheesh, it IS amazing how easily you can find people on the net, almost a bit scary. I called his last listed job to verify the information since all the posted information dated back to 2004, and very much pre-recession. This person is in IT so you never know *shrugz*, but he picked up the phone. I wasn’t ready for that and just told him I dialed the wrong number and hung up, but at least I know it was him and that the email I had acquired was still valid.
My email went like this:
Hi,
Long time no contact :)
You probably don’t even remember me, it’s been so long. You and I dated for a little bit in the mid 90’s. We met on IRC and I used to go by the monicker of dweamgoil. This should ring some bells by now. In any case, I wanted to reach out to you because some funny (ironic) things have happened as of late that made me think of the way things ended between us. It really is funny how life comes full circle sometimes. I know it really doesn’t matter anymore, I mean this was so long ago, but I feel that I want to make amends with you and apologize from the bottom of my heart for the way I treated you towards the end of our relationship. I have no reason to lie now and I know you didn’t believe me then, but I told you the truth when I stated that nothing had happened between ____ (the guy I had gone to see) and I that one time I did visit him. However, I do feel you were absolutely right in breaking up with me at that point. It was very wrong of me to even go see him in the first place and it was even worse to be so callous about it afterwards. I am so sorry for how selfish I was then and whatever hurt I may have caused you as a result of that.
I hope you and your family are doing well. I know it’s not only unexpected that I should write you to bring this up, but I have learned a lot over the past several months about fidelity, the lasting power of marriage, and a bunch of other things, which I was hoping would never come to pass. This chain of events sparked my desire to let you know that you did teach me something in life. We don’t often get to discover the value of our impact on people’s lives and we don’t realize how we truly touch people or not. I just wanted to bring this to your attention and hope it somehow brings a smile to your face. Yeah, yeah…you were right. I know women don’t often admit this.
Anyways, take care of you and your loved ones. I wish you guys the best!
DweamGoiL
I felt such a weight lifted off of my shoulders when I hit that send button and an even larger one when the mail wasn’t bounced back because the account had been deactivated. I realize he will never know, but it was very difficult for me to write that. I experienced such an overflow of emotion, maybe it was some kind of weird transferrence thing because deep down I wish my own idiot spouse would afford me the same courtesy, but of course, he will not, but at the very least I am happy I was able to get that out. I just hope it’s taken constructively and not like some weird stalking thing or the final affirmation that I am totally off of my rocker or something…who knows *shrugz*.
So, this morning when I got to work, I began looking him up on Google. Sheesh, it IS amazing how easily you can find people on the net, almost a bit scary. I called his last listed job to verify the information since all the posted information dated back to 2004, and very much pre-recession. This person is in IT so you never know *shrugz*, but he picked up the phone. I wasn’t ready for that and just told him I dialed the wrong number and hung up, but at least I know it was him and that the email I had acquired was still valid.
My email went like this:
Hi,
Long time no contact :)
You probably don’t even remember me, it’s been so long. You and I dated for a little bit in the mid 90’s. We met on IRC and I used to go by the monicker of dweamgoil. This should ring some bells by now. In any case, I wanted to reach out to you because some funny (ironic) things have happened as of late that made me think of the way things ended between us. It really is funny how life comes full circle sometimes. I know it really doesn’t matter anymore, I mean this was so long ago, but I feel that I want to make amends with you and apologize from the bottom of my heart for the way I treated you towards the end of our relationship. I have no reason to lie now and I know you didn’t believe me then, but I told you the truth when I stated that nothing had happened between ____ (the guy I had gone to see) and I that one time I did visit him. However, I do feel you were absolutely right in breaking up with me at that point. It was very wrong of me to even go see him in the first place and it was even worse to be so callous about it afterwards. I am so sorry for how selfish I was then and whatever hurt I may have caused you as a result of that.
I hope you and your family are doing well. I know it’s not only unexpected that I should write you to bring this up, but I have learned a lot over the past several months about fidelity, the lasting power of marriage, and a bunch of other things, which I was hoping would never come to pass. This chain of events sparked my desire to let you know that you did teach me something in life. We don’t often get to discover the value of our impact on people’s lives and we don’t realize how we truly touch people or not. I just wanted to bring this to your attention and hope it somehow brings a smile to your face. Yeah, yeah…you were right. I know women don’t often admit this.
Anyways, take care of you and your loved ones. I wish you guys the best!
DweamGoiL
I felt such a weight lifted off of my shoulders when I hit that send button and an even larger one when the mail wasn’t bounced back because the account had been deactivated. I realize he will never know, but it was very difficult for me to write that. I experienced such an overflow of emotion, maybe it was some kind of weird transferrence thing because deep down I wish my own idiot spouse would afford me the same courtesy, but of course, he will not, but at the very least I am happy I was able to get that out. I just hope it’s taken constructively and not like some weird stalking thing or the final affirmation that I am totally off of my rocker or something…who knows *shrugz*.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Thoughts on Letting Go of a Toxic Friendship
Over the years, I have had many friends come and go. A lot of friendships seem to have a set expiration date due to one circumstance or another; it’s just difficult sometimes to tell exactly when that final day has arrived. For me, if the friendship does not continue to be an enjoyable experience; that is a clear sign that this person is not an adequate friend for me. In following this criteria, I was forced to part ways with one of my oldest friends. At the time, I still cherished our friendship and made several attempts to keep in contact with her, but in her eyes, somehow I was using her and should be dismissed. I wanted to respect her wishes although it really did pain me to do so.
Today, I don’t keep many friends very close to me. Somewhere along the line, my life took a turn where work, family, keeping and maintaining a household became the utmost priorities instead of what outfit will I wear tomorrow and when can we get together to shopping for the outfit I will be wearing the next day? Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying I do not value friends or that going out shopping is any less meaningful than preparing dinner for my family, I simply do not have an overabundance of time, and because of this, and the fact that being popular simply does not matter anymore, I have learned to manage and prioritize my time much more carefully and effectively. I need to take care of my responsibilities first, and any social interaction comes second to that.
I have old friends from my youth, I still keep in contact with. We exchange thoughts by either email, text, or telephone every now and again, and interchangeably we do display a genuine interest in keeping the connection going for an undetermined amount of time. I love that they understand, respect, and find themselves in the stage of life where you are very busy and have demanding responsibilities, which makes each of these interactions we do share eagerly anticipated and that much sweeter when we finally get the opportunity to catch up. These are the friends I have chosen for myself because they do not tax my emotions, time, wallet, or seek to blurry the unspoken boundaries of the level of commitment I am willing to invest in order to maintain the friendship.
A couple of months ago, an online friendship abruptly ended. I guess you could say I was broken up with :), but in turn, I would relate the experience to a bad one night stand that lasted way too long. The odd part was that when she dumped me, I felt such a sense of relief instead of resentment or disappointment. Truthfully, I was hoping she was referring to me when she confessed she had someone she wanted to eliminate from her life. For some reason which I still cannot explain, I allowed this person to guilt me into continuing a very demanding online friendship. I felt annoyed and resentful when I would step away from my work computer and she would freak out because I didn’t IM her a reply fast enough or if I was out from work, she wanted me to let her know ahead of time. She began to take an emotional toll on me and left me hollow each time I would chat with her. She always had some problem and as a general rule was a pessimist and suffered bouts of depression. It was as if she wanted a counselor, not a friend, and her constant demands for guidance and overall life support, began to weigh on me, particularly when my advice was dismissed repeatedly. It was as if she just kept repeating the same mistakes over and over, noticed that she was stuck in this vicious cycle, but still did nothing more than to complain about it. I do not think I am perfect by any realm of the imagination, but I cannot relate to people who cannot take responsibility for their own actions. My take is if you see something wrong, do something about it, if not, you have no right to complain. This combination of apathy and oblivious denial frustrated me to a level that the friendship become quite unbearable.
At first, the ‘online’ thing was somewhat manageable. She lived in Florida and I lived way up North. I knew that once the computer was off, the ‘sessions’ ended. But then, I made the mistake of giving her my home phone number. Now, all of a sudden, the friendship had taken a whole new dimension, and she was calling me regularly to talk about nothing in particular. This would have been fine, and frankly, was nice at first, but the fact remained that 3 hours prior, we had chatted online for most of the day. I was beginning to feel rather overwhelmed, but did not want to hurt her feelings. Then the straw that broke the camel’s back happened, when I had her over as a houseguest during one of her quarterly NY visits. I found her quite intolerable on many fronts during her stay and noticed she was just overstepping many boundaries I had asked her not to. Every rule I asked her not to break, she did in one form or another and would label me as being 'compulsive'. My resentment was beginning to boil over.
So…we parted ways then, but that time, it was me who backed off. After some time, I received a mysterious package in the mail. I didn’t realize it at the time, but it was from her. It was a story I had begun writing, which I had shared with her when times were better. I was trying to figure out who could have sent it, but when I examined the packaging more closely, I was able to discern who the sender was. I really did not think anything of it at the time, since we had ceased all contact. But then, I began receiving emails from her seeking to rekindle the friendship. Since a considerable stretch of time off had transpired, I believed she might have grown as a person and that whatever emotional issues she had in the past, could have been worked on by now and could remain in the past. I was also not aware she had moved to NJ so that if her issues were still present, she was much closer geographically now.
In a few weeks, I found myself in exactly the same spot as before with her, but this time, she was within 'hanging out distance'. She was like an emotional vampire sucking all the life out of me. This time, I tried to give her an opportunity to work things out within herself, but that just never happened. This disturbed me to no end, particularly since we had chatted at length about why the friendship had fizzled the first time around. Next thing I know she is calling me on the weekends inviting herself to hang out with me and my kids. I allowed this to happen one time, and to be perfectly honest, it was not a lot of fun for me or my kids. She had gone into the City and invited herself to meet us in Queens, where I was taking my girls for a day out. It quickly became painfully obvious that we really did not have much in common. I am very active, and enjoy eating healthy foods and regular physical activity; she was the exact opposite. I was married; she was single. We were at different stages emotionally, financially, career-wise, etc. We had variying political and moral views. The list goes on.
When she left me the IM announcing ‘that she felt our friendship had run its course’, I did not harbor any ill-will, but wanted to ensure that this would be the last time I would hear from her. I did not blame her for not having the courage to just call me and tell me over the phone, or for taking the cowardly way out and waiting for the opportunity until I left my desk and leaving the IM and then closing the window so I could not reply. I understand and accept that she has never been very adept at handling any type of perceived confrontation. But, in the interest of dissolving the friendship, I took her off my IM list and blocked her emails (in case she would be tempted to send any in the future to my job or personal accounts). I also felt that she should respect this mutually agreed separation and not post anything to my blog or even feel compelled to read it with any regularity, or at all for that matter. I believe my opinions should be quite irrelevant to her now that we are no longer friends. But, this constant need to check in and to let me know how she feels about what I have written while lurking behind the scenes, borders on the cusp of cyber-stalking and trolling, both of which are just not good!
Today, I don’t keep many friends very close to me. Somewhere along the line, my life took a turn where work, family, keeping and maintaining a household became the utmost priorities instead of what outfit will I wear tomorrow and when can we get together to shopping for the outfit I will be wearing the next day? Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying I do not value friends or that going out shopping is any less meaningful than preparing dinner for my family, I simply do not have an overabundance of time, and because of this, and the fact that being popular simply does not matter anymore, I have learned to manage and prioritize my time much more carefully and effectively. I need to take care of my responsibilities first, and any social interaction comes second to that.
I have old friends from my youth, I still keep in contact with. We exchange thoughts by either email, text, or telephone every now and again, and interchangeably we do display a genuine interest in keeping the connection going for an undetermined amount of time. I love that they understand, respect, and find themselves in the stage of life where you are very busy and have demanding responsibilities, which makes each of these interactions we do share eagerly anticipated and that much sweeter when we finally get the opportunity to catch up. These are the friends I have chosen for myself because they do not tax my emotions, time, wallet, or seek to blurry the unspoken boundaries of the level of commitment I am willing to invest in order to maintain the friendship.
A couple of months ago, an online friendship abruptly ended. I guess you could say I was broken up with :), but in turn, I would relate the experience to a bad one night stand that lasted way too long. The odd part was that when she dumped me, I felt such a sense of relief instead of resentment or disappointment. Truthfully, I was hoping she was referring to me when she confessed she had someone she wanted to eliminate from her life. For some reason which I still cannot explain, I allowed this person to guilt me into continuing a very demanding online friendship. I felt annoyed and resentful when I would step away from my work computer and she would freak out because I didn’t IM her a reply fast enough or if I was out from work, she wanted me to let her know ahead of time. She began to take an emotional toll on me and left me hollow each time I would chat with her. She always had some problem and as a general rule was a pessimist and suffered bouts of depression. It was as if she wanted a counselor, not a friend, and her constant demands for guidance and overall life support, began to weigh on me, particularly when my advice was dismissed repeatedly. It was as if she just kept repeating the same mistakes over and over, noticed that she was stuck in this vicious cycle, but still did nothing more than to complain about it. I do not think I am perfect by any realm of the imagination, but I cannot relate to people who cannot take responsibility for their own actions. My take is if you see something wrong, do something about it, if not, you have no right to complain. This combination of apathy and oblivious denial frustrated me to a level that the friendship become quite unbearable.
At first, the ‘online’ thing was somewhat manageable. She lived in Florida and I lived way up North. I knew that once the computer was off, the ‘sessions’ ended. But then, I made the mistake of giving her my home phone number. Now, all of a sudden, the friendship had taken a whole new dimension, and she was calling me regularly to talk about nothing in particular. This would have been fine, and frankly, was nice at first, but the fact remained that 3 hours prior, we had chatted online for most of the day. I was beginning to feel rather overwhelmed, but did not want to hurt her feelings. Then the straw that broke the camel’s back happened, when I had her over as a houseguest during one of her quarterly NY visits. I found her quite intolerable on many fronts during her stay and noticed she was just overstepping many boundaries I had asked her not to. Every rule I asked her not to break, she did in one form or another and would label me as being 'compulsive'. My resentment was beginning to boil over.
So…we parted ways then, but that time, it was me who backed off. After some time, I received a mysterious package in the mail. I didn’t realize it at the time, but it was from her. It was a story I had begun writing, which I had shared with her when times were better. I was trying to figure out who could have sent it, but when I examined the packaging more closely, I was able to discern who the sender was. I really did not think anything of it at the time, since we had ceased all contact. But then, I began receiving emails from her seeking to rekindle the friendship. Since a considerable stretch of time off had transpired, I believed she might have grown as a person and that whatever emotional issues she had in the past, could have been worked on by now and could remain in the past. I was also not aware she had moved to NJ so that if her issues were still present, she was much closer geographically now.
In a few weeks, I found myself in exactly the same spot as before with her, but this time, she was within 'hanging out distance'. She was like an emotional vampire sucking all the life out of me. This time, I tried to give her an opportunity to work things out within herself, but that just never happened. This disturbed me to no end, particularly since we had chatted at length about why the friendship had fizzled the first time around. Next thing I know she is calling me on the weekends inviting herself to hang out with me and my kids. I allowed this to happen one time, and to be perfectly honest, it was not a lot of fun for me or my kids. She had gone into the City and invited herself to meet us in Queens, where I was taking my girls for a day out. It quickly became painfully obvious that we really did not have much in common. I am very active, and enjoy eating healthy foods and regular physical activity; she was the exact opposite. I was married; she was single. We were at different stages emotionally, financially, career-wise, etc. We had variying political and moral views. The list goes on.
When she left me the IM announcing ‘that she felt our friendship had run its course’, I did not harbor any ill-will, but wanted to ensure that this would be the last time I would hear from her. I did not blame her for not having the courage to just call me and tell me over the phone, or for taking the cowardly way out and waiting for the opportunity until I left my desk and leaving the IM and then closing the window so I could not reply. I understand and accept that she has never been very adept at handling any type of perceived confrontation. But, in the interest of dissolving the friendship, I took her off my IM list and blocked her emails (in case she would be tempted to send any in the future to my job or personal accounts). I also felt that she should respect this mutually agreed separation and not post anything to my blog or even feel compelled to read it with any regularity, or at all for that matter. I believe my opinions should be quite irrelevant to her now that we are no longer friends. But, this constant need to check in and to let me know how she feels about what I have written while lurking behind the scenes, borders on the cusp of cyber-stalking and trolling, both of which are just not good!
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Exploitation of Mentally Disabled at Texas State Funded School
Seven employees working at a Corpus Christi school for the mentally disabled have been put on paid emergency leave pending an investigation into an ongoing ‘fight club’ amongh the school’s residents organized, promoted, and nurtured by the employees. What makes this case that much more deplorable is not only that there were mentally disabled persons involved, but that they were negligently pitted against each other as if they were sub-human and very naive pawns readily and solely available for the entertainment of some idiots who more than likely had no more education than a mere HS diploma. If you are going to get your frustrations regarding your shitty life out, then be a man about it and fight amongst yourselves, but to get people with an identified below average IQ who cannot fully comprehend not only what is at stake, but that they can possibly hurt each other and in doing so can serve real time, is just plain wrong and is worthy of some good ‘ole fashioned Texas justice.
The case becomes a bit tricky for prosecutors since the workers themselves were not actively involved in the fights; they acted behind the scenes, and the level of involvement of each is difficult to gauge. However, because of the developmental challenges of the residents, they should be considered ‘not competent’ as a matter of law, and treated as if the same acts were being purported towards children. Obviously these residents could not discern this was wrong because if they had would they have been such ‘willing participants’ as the defense will surely claim. The fact that the workers employed in the capacity of caretakers and/or authority figures orchestrated the fights, places the whole mess in the same category as if a daycare worker would do the same with young children. There is simply no excuse for this type of abuse…period. I just find it disturbing that more people are not appaled as a result of this case.
Would more people object if kids were put to fight with each other in this manner? Of course, they would! So why not have the same objections when dealing with people of a consenting biological age, but with the mental maturity of a child?
The case becomes a bit tricky for prosecutors since the workers themselves were not actively involved in the fights; they acted behind the scenes, and the level of involvement of each is difficult to gauge. However, because of the developmental challenges of the residents, they should be considered ‘not competent’ as a matter of law, and treated as if the same acts were being purported towards children. Obviously these residents could not discern this was wrong because if they had would they have been such ‘willing participants’ as the defense will surely claim. The fact that the workers employed in the capacity of caretakers and/or authority figures orchestrated the fights, places the whole mess in the same category as if a daycare worker would do the same with young children. There is simply no excuse for this type of abuse…period. I just find it disturbing that more people are not appaled as a result of this case.
Would more people object if kids were put to fight with each other in this manner? Of course, they would! So why not have the same objections when dealing with people of a consenting biological age, but with the mental maturity of a child?
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Dan Savage - On a "Netship"
I read the article labeled Skin to Skin Contact posted on August 6, 2009 by Dan Savage, which makes me think about several ponderings regarding online networking/dating and the state of mind of women guilty of the infraction he refers to. Yes, posting misleading pictures (of yourself more than 5 years ago, more than 20 lbs ago, or for the fellas, the need to pose wearing a baseball cap because there's nothing up top) is not a good idea...period. The inevitable disappointment will not be worth the slight chance that the person will feel sorry enough for you because you feel the need to resort to such deceptive measures to hook someone, and for this person to then entertain the notion of being guilted into having either pity sex or an awkward "netship" with you because they are too chicken to break it off. Who would want that? Who would want to publicly advertise that their self-esteem is so entirely shot that it's better to settle for any emotional or physical crumbs an unsuspecting male victim might throw her way?
Instead, it might be time to begin evaluating yourself in a different manner. Why do I feel the need to do this? Am I really satisfied with the way I look? (If not, do something about it, it's just that simple!). Do I think deep down that I am NOT worthy of being loved and respected? (If you don't, do you honestly think he will?) Do I whole-heartedly believe that I have a lot to offer? (If you don't think so, then he won't either). Do I need to learn how to love myself a bit more before I can expect someone else to love me? (YES!!!!!!)
Any woman should NOT NEED a man in her life! A woman should WANT a man because of the companionship, physical closeness, emotional support, and or help with things in general. Yes, having a cooperative partner is a hell of a lot better than having to do everything yourself. But, let's get one thing very clear here; attracting or keeping a man is not an accomplishment. Most of the time it's a lot of work because we cannot entirely understand them and they cannot entirely understand us. Now, don't get me wrong, having a man around is fun and can be rewarding in a myriad of ways, but I am really tired of women letting themselves believe that their self-worth should be equated to the fact that they can attract and keep a man in their lives. The truth is that as long as you have the physical components that all women are naturally born with, you're pretty much able to attract one. There's no big secret there. Now, keeping a sane, supportive, honest, emotionally well-balanced, appropriately age mature, and a giving one to boot involves that you also posses the same qualities and are able to set boundaries within the relationship that you both can live with.
Most women that ooze desperation then end up with men that are not deserving of having a caring woman in their lives in the first place; these are the male bottom feeders that target the desperate and lonely because that is exactly what you have lead him to believe that you are. But, in some strange way, I suppose it all balances out. You are advertising for him to "Please take advantage of me because I AM THAT desperate and I AM THAT lonely!" and he WILL BE taking advantage...so in retrospect, it should work out just fine, seems like the perfect arrangement, doesn't it?
Instead, it might be time to begin evaluating yourself in a different manner. Why do I feel the need to do this? Am I really satisfied with the way I look? (If not, do something about it, it's just that simple!). Do I think deep down that I am NOT worthy of being loved and respected? (If you don't, do you honestly think he will?) Do I whole-heartedly believe that I have a lot to offer? (If you don't think so, then he won't either). Do I need to learn how to love myself a bit more before I can expect someone else to love me? (YES!!!!!!)
Any woman should NOT NEED a man in her life! A woman should WANT a man because of the companionship, physical closeness, emotional support, and or help with things in general. Yes, having a cooperative partner is a hell of a lot better than having to do everything yourself. But, let's get one thing very clear here; attracting or keeping a man is not an accomplishment. Most of the time it's a lot of work because we cannot entirely understand them and they cannot entirely understand us. Now, don't get me wrong, having a man around is fun and can be rewarding in a myriad of ways, but I am really tired of women letting themselves believe that their self-worth should be equated to the fact that they can attract and keep a man in their lives. The truth is that as long as you have the physical components that all women are naturally born with, you're pretty much able to attract one. There's no big secret there. Now, keeping a sane, supportive, honest, emotionally well-balanced, appropriately age mature, and a giving one to boot involves that you also posses the same qualities and are able to set boundaries within the relationship that you both can live with.
Most women that ooze desperation then end up with men that are not deserving of having a caring woman in their lives in the first place; these are the male bottom feeders that target the desperate and lonely because that is exactly what you have lead him to believe that you are. But, in some strange way, I suppose it all balances out. You are advertising for him to "Please take advantage of me because I AM THAT desperate and I AM THAT lonely!" and he WILL BE taking advantage...so in retrospect, it should work out just fine, seems like the perfect arrangement, doesn't it?
Monday, August 10, 2009
10 Rules for an Unhappy Marriage
After reading the 10 Rules for an Unhappy Marriage, I realize I could not have avoided the final outcome of the marital separation I am currently experiencing as a direct result from the crumbling of my marriage. It didn't matter if I tried or not, it would have ended up exactly the same way. I'll tell you impending divorce is an interesting experience. From the 'official' move out of the spouse leaving the marital home when you don't realize how insignificant items you never cared about before now become the point of fierce contention, to the emotional turmoil, the rummaging through what seems like a lifetime of items you collected together because at the time they meant something and having to pack them away and forget them to keep what's left of your own sanity, and finally the knowing you were right, but it doesn't count for s#@t! Why must there be mind games afterwards like the stupid comments on if things would have been different (which of course translates into if you would have agreed to my cheating...)? Why do we go through the blame game? Why is it that even the simple act of wishing the other well is received with utter defensiveness and the return of vile and spew?
I know I need to move on from this and I am doing so in my own way and at my own pace. I try very hard to not let his impetuous nature influence my decisions or my actions. Yes, it becomes challenging, but I have been fortunate to find support in places I never knew existed. If anyone else is going through a similar experience, allow me to stress that it is of utmost important that you find a support system made up of people that can truly accept your decisions regarding the broken marriage and seek to nurture you, and not turn the tables on you with the potential of unkowingly leading you back into a situation that is not healthy for you.
As a result of all this, I have explored the world of online dating sites to see what and who is out there. I just have one point to make here and it is that; In the past, I always used to harshly judge older women (ages 40 +) who became sexually involved with younger guys (in their 20's). I am now eating my words. Although I haven't done it yet, I am tempted to. It is a convenient way to keep things on a less than serious level, particularly for a very busy woman like myself who was no real time to nurture a flourishing relationship, as well as to have someone around who absolutely adores, admires, and is oh so deliciously fixated in pleasing you. For all the wrong reasons, yes, but if you're looking for a quick ego boosting fix and keep in perspective that this 'friendship with benefits' has no future whatsoever, somehow it doesn't seem so bad. And the best part of it is that at that age, most men ARE still single and very free to mingle ;) It's irresistibly guilt-free on that front as well. No real worries of the troublesome screening for 'married or committed liars' seeking nothing but an empty set of secret rendezvous' so they can escape and victimize their unknowing spouse with you as a conveniently complacent accomplice. So for all you Cougars out there, I sincerely apologize, ladies...I was SO DEAD WRONG!
I know I need to move on from this and I am doing so in my own way and at my own pace. I try very hard to not let his impetuous nature influence my decisions or my actions. Yes, it becomes challenging, but I have been fortunate to find support in places I never knew existed. If anyone else is going through a similar experience, allow me to stress that it is of utmost important that you find a support system made up of people that can truly accept your decisions regarding the broken marriage and seek to nurture you, and not turn the tables on you with the potential of unkowingly leading you back into a situation that is not healthy for you.
As a result of all this, I have explored the world of online dating sites to see what and who is out there. I just have one point to make here and it is that; In the past, I always used to harshly judge older women (ages 40 +) who became sexually involved with younger guys (in their 20's). I am now eating my words. Although I haven't done it yet, I am tempted to. It is a convenient way to keep things on a less than serious level, particularly for a very busy woman like myself who was no real time to nurture a flourishing relationship, as well as to have someone around who absolutely adores, admires, and is oh so deliciously fixated in pleasing you. For all the wrong reasons, yes, but if you're looking for a quick ego boosting fix and keep in perspective that this 'friendship with benefits' has no future whatsoever, somehow it doesn't seem so bad. And the best part of it is that at that age, most men ARE still single and very free to mingle ;) It's irresistibly guilt-free on that front as well. No real worries of the troublesome screening for 'married or committed liars' seeking nothing but an empty set of secret rendezvous' so they can escape and victimize their unknowing spouse with you as a conveniently complacent accomplice. So for all you Cougars out there, I sincerely apologize, ladies...I was SO DEAD WRONG!
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