The thing is that up to now, my life has been very stress-less, something I am very proud of. There are no more piles of dirty laundry in the walkways of the livingroom or piles of random crap in the kitchen. There is no more clutter around our home and the house actually smells and looks nice. As far as life, the only time I now experience any form of stress is on Sundays when the ex comes to visit with the children. This is mostly because I do not speak to him directly anymore. I communicate with him strictly by text messages, some random and scarce emails, and the voicemails he insists on leaving me on my cell or work phone. I do not engage in any type of conversations with him. I do not give him the opportunity to berate, insult, charm, or fool me anymore. I simply have tuned him out of and dismissed him from my everyday life. I suppose it was only suitable that I returned the favor…don’t you think?
He finally agreed to signing an agreement that binds him to a set amount of child support and visitation times. And, if you know anything about a Narcissist, you would know that they do not like to be held accountable for anything; leaving a paper trail is a big no no! So as you can imagine, getting him to desist and put his signature on any paper outlining rules and boundaries is no small feat. Yes, I had to force his hand by playing dirty at times, but the ends justified the means in this instance. Now, my children know when to expect him and I know how much I can expect from him. There is no reason for us to tear each other apart fighting for one moot point after another. Everything is now settled and written in obligatory black and white.
Yet, this particular weekend, he arrived in the car he swore had been repossesed due to his filing for bankruptcy. I take it that the courts were not as full of pity as he had conjectured if he even went at all. He is proud of his well developed and constantly nurtured ability to deceive. I am certain that me pointing out the legal implication of him strapping both girls to the front seat of his work van did not fare well in his book, either. But I digress, my outrage this weekend escalated when he shows up at my door on Sunday morning at 10:00 am without calling or letting any of us know the time he’d be arriving. Of course, the children were not ready. We were in the middle of making chocolate pancakes for breakfast. A morning treat the kids were very excited about. He then offered to buy us breakfast as if I were to be overjoyed to simply drop everything and run out the door with him to chow down on this complimentary fare he had promised. So instead, he had to wait for 2 hours until the kids finished eating and dressing…oh well!
But, before he left to wait for the girls since I do not allow him to enter my home anymore, he began telling me how he NEEDED to talk to me and how much he missed my council. He went on to emphasize how I was the ONLY person who could ever understand what HE was going through. I wasn’t exactly sure when or even why all of a sudden, I had become his own personal consigliere. Sure, I more than likely know him better than anyone else, but even I feel I never really knew him at all. If I had, I would’ve run for the hills years ago instead of letting myself be deceived and betrayed in every possible form that a husband can betray and disrespect a wife. And if you know anything about a person with NPD, then you know why I chose the word consigliere instead of close friend, confidante, or even life coach.
His cockyness knows no bounds. After he tossed his plight into the open air as if it were some majestically lovely, vulnerable, and noble, yet peaceful bird, he held the door open for me and waited for me to step out onto the porch in my robe with my hair in an utter first thing in the morning mess as if his invitation could only be totally irresistible to someone like me. I don’t think it ever crossed his mind that I would be outraged and repulsed, as I was, by this request. It was as if you could almost see the barrage of Narcisstic Injury literally being hurled at him as each word hit its target and wounded him more deeply than its predecessor. And finally, his inability to defend himself, much like an Opposum plays dead when it is cornered.
He was visibly shaken by my words of rejection, which only served to painfully and coldly point out how HE had created the situation we were currently in, and that having no direct personal contact between us was indeed for the best for everyone. Instead of raging, he chose denial, and refused to accept the word no for a final answer, he ended the brief interaction by stating we could always talk when he returned the girls later on in the evening, and how I should think about it. This was followed of course, by the guilt entrapment line of “if it were you that was in need, I would be there for you!” which is a total fabrication. Let’s backtrack a bit: where was he the evening of our 10th Anniversary as I countlessly called him on the cell and he simply ignored my calls? Where was he on my 40th birthday and whatever happened to that birthday present that NEVER materialized? Where was he every night before that when he wasn’t sleeping peacefully right next to me in our bed? Oh yes, I remember now - screwing some old gullible fart in Poughkeepsie!!!!
To some degree I suppose I may be bitter, but I am fully entitled to be…thank you. I am not angry or despondent to anyone else but him. Yes, I am sure one day I will forgive him. It is only logical that I have to let go of past hurts to repress to some degree what has been done to me from my every day life. I cannot forget because I will need this experience repeatedly to fend off anyone else cloaked in this abrassively damaged and very fantastic fallacy of an armor from my soft inner core. One day all of this will not matter, but for now, the wounds are still fresh. I still cannot stand the sight of him. After spending a decade with someone whom you loved unconditionally, but did not love you back, you can’t be expected to just get over it in a quarter of a year. I see this now and I am content with this. I will heal when I heal. I am not on his timeline anymore. I am on mine and when I feel ready, I will move on!
In closing, I will state I found a blog which describes having a friendship with a Narcissist. It is written in laymen’s terms and is very easy to understand and read. It definitely is worth checking out.
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