New Found Comfort in My Own Skin

I am not quite certain when it happened, but as I have become older, although I do worry somewhat about my appearance, I am much more comfortable in my own skin. This is a feeling that has alluded for most of my life, but for me, has come at a very unexpected time…better late than never, right? Not only have I gone through a very traumatic marital separation, but right now, I am in the process of losing some very unwanted fat. I packed these pounds on not only when I had my youngest daughter (5 years ago), but I managed to keep gaining by eating like a pig to mask the feelings of resentment and disappointment I struggled with due to my ongoing and very unhappy marriage. Yes, I can admit now that I used food as comfort and it was not a good habit whatsoever!

My now estranged husband made a comment a few weeks ago about how much weight I was losing and how he might regret the fact that he left me. I found this to be the most idiotic and shallow statement he has ever made. I am not certain if it was meant to be a compliment, somehow I think it was, but it simply screamed out “the reason I left you was because you did not turn me on then. I looked at you and saw a fat cow.” Wow, talk about a devastating blow straight to the ovaries…ouch.

The funny thing is that although I am still not exactly where I’d like to end up, I have made my way here slowly, but in great condition and health. I went down to a size 10 from a size 16 in about 5 months time. To be honest, I initially wanted to get down to a size 12. Back in February, I honestly thought that would be my perfect size, but I blew passed that a bit ago and now enjoy working out and eating a healthy diet so much that I don’t want to stop here. I am not too far off my goal, I suppose. However, I can’t lie and say that I am not curious as to how I will look by going back to a size 6 jeans as I was in my mid 20’s. That was the time I was at my fittest and the time in life I thought I looked best.

I know today the pressure is on women to be a size 0 as the article written by Rita Wilson from Harper’s Bazaar magazine entitled Size 8 in a 0 World illustrates . Why is this the current trend? Besides the fact that the fashion industry has dictated it, I am not exactly certain. I do not want to be that skinny. I don’t want to lose my curves; my hips, my breasts, my butt, and my thighs. I always want to look voluptous, not waif-ish. I want to look like a woman, not a prepubescent boy. And most of all, I want to look as if I have inherited those famous diva-esque Latin goddess genes instead of trying to fight them in order to fit a size 0 mold. Nope, not me. I want some junk in my trunk!!!

I work in an environment dominated by 20-somethings who devoutly starve themselves in order to make themselves acceptable by today’s size 0 standard. I have witnessed FOUR grown women share ONE grapefruit and TWO sushi rolls for lunch. Think about it; that’s ¼ of a grapefruit and two pieces of sushi for each. I have witnessed women feverishly go twice a day to the gym to workout and drop about 15 lbs in weight in a month and still not be satisfied. I have heard women purging in the restroom. I have opened a door for women who do not have the energy to hold the door for themselves because they are weak from starvation. I have seen the changes in these young women over time; one day they are rosy cheecked, and then a few weeks down the line, they have dark circles under their eyes and become sickly looking and pale. This is NOT in the direction I want to head. I will confess, at times, I do feel large in comparison to these minute females, but then I take a good look around me at their habits, their energy level, their distorted body images, and their shared pyschosis to lose weight, and I snap right back to reality, quick.

PS: And for those of you who are still wondering, the estranged husband's opinion doesn't count anymore...so eat your heart out, sucka!!!