My Sincerest Apology to a Person I Hurt in the Past

In keeping with the spirit of self-exploration and learning from previous mistakes…that and infidelity seem to be the flavors of this month :), I was thinking about someone I wronged in the past and wanted to let him know what I learned from the experience. Yeah, maybe it was totally selfish to make myself feel better, but I just felt that in life we don’t always see the mysterious ways in which Karma works. We have to be content with the fact that things may work out in the end, and that the people who have wronged us somehow will be enlightened and we will be proven right, that some kind of cosmic justice will prevail, whatever. This was my true motivation. I felt this guy deserved for me to let him know that he was totally right in dumping me then. What I did to him was wrong and I was too much of an a$$ then to even see that it was wrong. I just kept making excuses and dancing around the subject. I acted as if HE was overreacting and should have gotten over it instead of hassling me about it (holding me accountable for it). So now and today in 2009, how many years later? At least, 12, I wanted to afford him the opportunity to see how HIS influence impacted the big picture since this is something we usually never get to see in the works.

So, this morning when I got to work, I began looking him up on Google. Sheesh, it IS amazing how easily you can find people on the net, almost a bit scary. I called his last listed job to verify the information since all the posted information dated back to 2004, and very much pre-recession. This person is in IT so you never know *shrugz*, but he picked up the phone. I wasn’t ready for that and just told him I dialed the wrong number and hung up, but at least I know it was him and that the email I had acquired was still valid.

My email went like this:

Hi,

Long time no contact :)

You probably don’t even remember me, it’s been so long. You and I dated for a little bit in the mid 90’s. We met on IRC and I used to go by the monicker of dweamgoil. This should ring some bells by now. In any case, I wanted to reach out to you because some funny (ironic) things have happened as of late that made me think of the way things ended between us. It really is funny how life comes full circle sometimes. I know it really doesn’t matter anymore, I mean this was so long ago, but I feel that I want to make amends with you and apologize from the bottom of my heart for the way I treated you towards the end of our relationship. I have no reason to lie now and I know you didn’t believe me then, but I told you the truth when I stated that nothing had happened between ____ (the guy I had gone to see) and I that one time I did visit him. However, I do feel you were absolutely right in breaking up with me at that point. It was very wrong of me to even go see him in the first place and it was even worse to be so callous about it afterwards. I am so sorry for how selfish I was then and whatever hurt I may have caused you as a result of that.

I hope you and your family are doing well. I know it’s not only unexpected that I should write you to bring this up, but I have learned a lot over the past several months about fidelity, the lasting power of marriage, and a bunch of other things, which I was hoping would never come to pass. This chain of events sparked my desire to let you know that you did teach me something in life. We don’t often get to discover the value of our impact on people’s lives and we don’t realize how we truly touch people or not. I just wanted to bring this to your attention and hope it somehow brings a smile to your face. Yeah, yeah…you were right. I know women don’t often admit this.

Anyways, take care of you and your loved ones. I wish you guys the best!

DweamGoiL

 I felt such a weight lifted off of my shoulders when I hit that send button and an even larger one when the mail wasn’t bounced back because the account had been deactivated. I realize he will never know, but it was very difficult for me to write that. I experienced such an overflow of emotion, maybe it was some kind of weird transferrence thing because deep down I wish my own idiot spouse would afford me the same courtesy, but of course, he will not, but at the very least I am happy I was able to get that out. I just hope it’s taken constructively and not like some weird stalking thing or the final affirmation that I am totally off of my rocker or something…who knows *shrugz*.